I wish I could just just shut off the sadness... I don't think anyone around/close to me believes or wants to believe my level of misery ... Or that I am trying to crawl out of this wretched place but keep failing... I don't want to be this soul sucking person anymore... I don't even want to be around myself how could I possibly expect anyone to want to be around me? I don't know how to grow from here, I know there is a profound lesson to be learned from all this loss and pain that would make me a much more calm and grounded person but I can't seem to grasp it... I feel vulnerable and ashamed, I feel depressed and alone but at the same time I won't allow anyone in and I can't seem to get myself out... Does that make sense? I use to be the one everyone came for answers and now I push everyone away even though I desperately need them because I'm so afraid if they knew the truth that I no longer know anything that I'm just as confused and lost as the next person, they'll push me away and reject me... So I simply push then away first... I know what caused this dramatic change in my personality, this total loss of self worth, abandonment of hope and twisted attachment to fear... But that awareness doesn't change anything... It doesn't give me any reprieve or lead to salvation... I'm still filled with sorrow, still can't find a way out...