Just so tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MdngtRain, Sep 6, 2013.

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  1. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    I'm so tired of fighting. I'm tired of having no purpose. I'm tired of struggling. I see my therapist today after my volunteer job, and I don't think I can tell her that all I really want to do is exit stage left. I'm struggling with the thought of writing this all down because I don't want to hear that I should change my mind. It never ends. It never gets better... I'm tired. I'm cooked. I'm really hoping a gator picks me off tomorrow while I go herping. I'd prefer something faster, but I can't be too picky when begging the universe for an end... I really don't want to volunteer today. I wouldn't mind hiding in my therapist's office for a while, but I don't want to spill my secret. I know I should probably tell her, but I don't want to end up in the country facility. I'm just so tired... and nothing helps. Nothing brings relief.
     
  2. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    What's 'herping'?
     
  3. please forgive me

    please forgive me Account Closed

    i believe it means searching for Reptiles or Amphibians, i understand the feeling MdngtRain i am tired of this world myself, just know your not alone,
     
  4. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    Field herping is going out into nature to see/find reptiles and amphibians in their habitats. Tomorrow night I go for the first time with people that know what they are doing (I've gone casually before, but never had too much luck). I'm taking my camera and hope it will take ok pictures in the middle of the night... cross your fingers I don't kill my camera in the swamp!
    I'm also hoping it will either make feel better one way or another.
     
  5. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    That's great that you are going out to do something that you are interested in, I'm sure that it will take your mind off things. Plus you have a volunteer job so I have a lot of respect for that. I've completely disconected myslf from life and I don't know how to get back. I hope that you and your camera make it back safely!
     
  6. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    I wasn't able to tell her how I feel today... I just couldn't find the words to say it. I froze, and the hour went by. We talked about other stuff. I see her again in Tuesday, but I'm not sure I'll be able to say anything then either.
    She said she was glad I was still doing things despite the depression. I tried to tell her I function really well up until the moment I can no longer function, but that didn't come out right either. She assumed I meant that I was still ok, when I was trying to tell her the crash is happening now, and I want to stop it before I splat into the pavement. I so suck at communicating...
    I don't even want to go tomorrow. I want to re-home my herps so things would be easier for my wife. I want insurance in case I screw this up again. But really I just want to go away. It just doesn't get any better.
     
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