just some thoughts i've been having

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by purpleAPY, Sep 2, 2011.

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  1. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    last week I seriously considered two things- committing suicide, and checking myself into a psych ward.

    I know that right now I'm not happy with how my life is. It's not because of anything in particular, I just feel like my life is going nowhere and I don't enjoy anything I do anymore. It's like, I guess I feel like there isn't anything I can see worth living for at the moment.

    I'm in school right now, in my 3rd year, and I just declared a psychology major. I've only taken one psych class so far and I'm taking 2 more this semester. I don't even know if I'll enjoy these classes or have any interest in psychology, and if I don't do well that means I'll just be throwing away more money and wasting more time in school.

    Not doing well in school isn't out of laziness, it's mostly the fact that I just don't care. I have no motivation to do anything. But if I don't go to school, I have no motivation to do anything else. I've reached a point in my life where I have no desire to continue on.
    I think I would be much happier if I could skip all this bullshit right now and be like 50 and retired.

    There are things in life that make me happy, but I don't feel like those things alone are reason to live. I don't care about life anymore.

    I'm in a relationship, and I like the guy, but I feel like if I really loved him I wouldn't feel like this. I would rather be with him then be single, but I guess I don't feel as strong of an attachment as I should. Like it's forced or something. I actually got the balls to tell him I loved him last night, after talking to one of my roommates about it and realizing that I did love him and that I was just afraid to get to that point. And he didn't say it back, and that really crushed me. Especially because right now I'm feeling so lost and vulnerable, and that was like the one thing I actually felt sure about.

    I don't feel comfortable anywhere. I feel like I haven't had a real home. Ever. Living with my parents was alright when I was a kid but there was shit going on there that would stress me out, and all summer I've been waiting to get out of my parents house. and now that I'm out I feel worse then I did when I was there.

    It's not superficial things either. In my bedroom right now I have a bunch of junk all over the place because I have nowhere to put it, I don't have any furniture besides my bed. My ceiling has a hole in it from water damage from the hurricane and water leaked all over my blanket and the one chair in my room and ruined it. But that's not why I hate my room. It's not just my room. It's my whole house. I feel like everyone in my house loves each other and I'm just some other person staying here for a few months. If I wasn't here it would make no difference.

    The worst part is that this stupid living condition is costing me $500 a month, and with that and utilities I have hardly any money to feed myself. Sure, that's what being a college student is, and I don't mind having no money. But when I'm throwing away $500 a month to live in a house that makes me constantly feel uncomfortable, then that sucks.

    I have places to go, but theres a difference between having a house to go to in order to get away from something at your own house, but I seriously hate coming home. If I go out all day or stay out a few nights in a row, the last thing I want to do is go home. But the worst part is, I still want that "home" feeling. You know how when you go on an awesome vacation for like 3 weeks, but by the end of the last week you really just want to go home and sit in your bed and go on your computer and chill out in your own house? That's what I want. and I can't get it anywhere.

    I'm constantly anxious. I've been having multiple panic attacks a day. I hate it here, I want out. I want to move away somewhere far enough where no one will find me, and start over. Or kill myself. Or live in a psych ward. Which sounds really depressing but honestly to be away from everything right now would be more of a relief.

    *I wrote the above part 2 nights ago, and this last part yesterday*:
    Today I rode my bike to school and then i was about to go to class when I had a panic attack... i didnt want to go to class because i was having a panic attack, i didnt feel comfortable going home, i just felt totally lost. i ended up going to the counseling center for a walk-in appointment and they didnt help me that much.. like i told them pretty much everything i wrote here and all they had to say was that i should go to class and try to sit out panic and anxiety because im going to have to live with it, like it wasnt the worst advice ever but im like, im still fucking stuck, i still have no will to be anywhere, in school, at home, anywhere.
    then i left and didnt go back to class and literally just walked aimlessly around campus all day. It sucks because these are all classes I enjoy, I have no problem with the work or the teachers or the class itself. The class I had before I had a panic attack was my favorite class of the day. The fact that I couldn't even make it to that class made me think whether it was worth being in school at all… My life is just so incredibly pointless right now.

    I don't care about school
    I don't have a job or any money, or any desire to get a job really
    I'm living with people who don't seem to care whether I'm here or not
    The one thing I am sure about is that I love my boyfriend, and he doesn't feel the same way which makes that pointless and kinda destroys the one thing I actually care about.
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you have a lot going on right now,remember that your housing situation is only a temporary thing.could you look for somewhere else to rent? Might find a better bunch of housemates. I think your apprehension regarding your psychology degree is something many students will feel,did I make the right choice? Do I really wanna do this? It's not the end of the world if you find it's not what you really want to do. Regarding your boyfriend it's allways a tricky moment the first time it gets said in a relationship and it doesn't mean he doesn't because he didn't say it right back. It can catch you off guard,he might be awkward saying it or yes maybe he doesn't yet or maybe never will. Just try not to jump to the most negative answer for it. Can you talk to him about how unhappy you are?
  3. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    The problem with panic attacks and avoiding the situation you get the attacks in is that it just makes it worse. Actual panic attacks last 20 minutes at the most although anxiety can last any amount of time. If you are having these problems you need to see a pdoc for medication so that going to school is tolerable. If you do that, and go to class, it will get better. I know I am not giving you the answer you want but that's the way it is.

    As for your living situation, can you find somewhere else to live?
  4. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    the living situation thing- i signed a one year lease, so im pretty much stuck here unless i find someone to sublet my room and find somewhere else to live, which wouldnt be happening any time soon.
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