I feel it in everything now. When i laugh, cry, with company, family, my special someone, friends, or solitude. Every single day.. I want to exit. The reasons for wanting to suddenly go are getting smaller everyday. It seems painful bursts of memory are becoming common. It's just something i feel i consistently have to look forward to. My situation is on a very short path to hell. I can't loose my last person that hasn't turned on me.. Yet i can't stay near them. I have so much to do.. Too much to do. I want to be dead.. Beyond a simple disdain for "how my life is" I have tried hard to be happy. Vitamins/ meditation/ meds/ therapy. Even feeling "happy" can't rid this feeling. I have resigned my self to this. No point in sharing what I've done to get here. I can't forgive my self, or face the things i've seen/done. I guess for now, I put it off. Find little reasons to convince my self i'm not ready -yet- Keep pretending i'm doing better. Keep making everyone think i'm trying to fix my situation. I honestly did try. I put so much into trying to be happy. Trying to find a reason to want to live. Like everything else, i failed. Truth is, i've been thinking about this since i was 11.. What makes a kid start thinking about/ Wanting death? Too much to write. So ultimately, I just hope to opt out soon. Not that most people will even know.. I guess it's better they cut me out. Or it will be someday..