Just started.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Pills, Sep 10, 2006.

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  1. Pills

    Pills Well-Known Member

    I've always been afraid of cuts. Paper cuts make me sick....and knives just flat out freak me out. So why did I pick up that knife and cut myself four weeks ago? Hell if I know. I read the sticky on the self-harm page about cutting - the one about how it will spread all over my body and I won't be able to stop it, how it will take over my life and everything will go down hill. I thought, "Yeah, right, that won't happen to me." Tough luck, I guess. Cause it has already started to happen.

    My cuts started out as four or five parallel lines....barely even scratches...I've been going deeper and deeper now...the cuts just go every which way. I never go that deep...I haven't gotten a flow of blood yet, but my arm is just riddled with cuts and I can't seem to stop it. Every time I'm done, I stare at the wounds and wonder what possessed me to do it. I have no idea. Some say it is to show that we can control our physical pain, due to the fact that we can't control out mental pain. I don't think this is the case with me. I think I cut to try and control my mental pain. Its almost as if I enjoy having a shittier life...For some reason I am drawn to the pain. I don't want the good things to take over, because they have seemed so rare, that I don't want them to dissappear. I guess I don't want to use up all my good memories, so I have to create bad ones.

    I just don't want this to get out of hand, but I don't see it stopping anywhere in the near future. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for your time.
  2. rachypooh

    rachypooh Well-Known Member

    OK...... First of all your not alone in this. I am right there with you.
    I unfortunately have lost control over my cutting, and it is getting progressively messier. I started out with just scratches for the pain and no blood, to deep cuts needing stiches. I started reading and researching about easier ways to cut and make it worse blah.... blah... blah... Sorry kinda going off the point here. I dont have suggestions really as I am struggling alot with this issue myself. BUT I wanted you to know I am here if you need to talk about it. PM me if you want or need to

  3. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Pills.. you've probably heard this wayy too many times already, but please please please please please please please please stop now. Its a lot easier to stop now than it is once you get to the point where you need stitches, or are really worrying coz you cant stop the blood. You dont want to go down that road, believe me when I say its absolute hell. If I could I would have never started at all. And then once you do stop, you have to think about the scars. I havent seen your cuts obviously, but I do know that they're gonna scar - or at least the deeper ones will. Please stop now, while you've only started. Its a lot easier... please?

  4. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    Distraction is the absolute best thing. Conversation in person or on the phone is best-rather than typing. You don't have to talk about what's going on, just some general conversation. Doing something that makes it impossible to cut. Driving is one. As long as you don't have something with you you can use. Sometimes distrataction still leaves you thinking about it and i go into panic mode sometimes because I still want to, so you do something physical to get the energy (ants in your pants) out. Excercise bike (do it as hard as you can) Running (running as fast and hard as you can ) a punching bag, jumping jacks, something strenuous and tiring.
    -Sometimes- these things help me.
    I hope you try them and find something that works or helps.
    It is hard to stop. Every reason why we cut just gets more intense the more we do it.
    One personal issue for me is that someone knows I do this. I hate to think they think I am horrid or disgusting for doing it and sometimes it makes me stop. I don't like to think of what it is they think of me. Im afraid when they look at me, it's not favorable. It doesnt always help me when I'm alone and everything is pent up. If Im not alone, of course I don't do it. But it doesn't always stop me from getting alone and doing it anyway.
    These things help or put it off really but I do go entire days without cutting.
    I really hope you find something that helps.
  5. Pills

    Pills Well-Known Member

    Well, yeah. Thanks to everyone who posted in response. Even if two of you didn't have any real suggestions....it still means a lot that you took the time to read.

    Thanks Weeping for the suggestions, yesterday I ran when I felt like I was about to cut and it worked....tonight however, has been much worse. I had a horrible fight with my rents, and started. I told myself only once....but I kept going and going. About 15 times. And I'm pretty sure they will all scar. I just don't know what to do. I fucking hate it. Its fucking stupid as hell and I have no idea why I like it. I'm gonna keep trying the running thing...and I've been talking to friends when I feel down.

    Just believe me when I say I am trying. Thanks.
  6. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    you are trying. thats why you went running. i am the same way. i feel like it so i manage to distract myself but then when an intense situation comes up i am unable to deal and i cut. i havent quite found a way out of that except to make it impossible-like driving or being around people-you wont cut in front of them. my problem is, i want to be alone all the time, if people are around, i want them to leave or i want to leave.
    I'm proud of ya. You're making the effort. We all slip but we can still try and we do succeed. lots of hugs go out to you and i hope you're doing better right now.
  7. I really admire what you're doing by trying to stop cutting before it gets really out of hand. Just keep trying sweetie :hug:

    I find the running thing really helpful, as well as surrounding myself with people.
    I also try and think about the clothes I could wear if I wasn't having to cover up my cuts all the time.
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