Just started...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by skysunsand, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. skysunsand

    skysunsand Well-Known Member

    So I just started cutting, I only did it on Wednesday night and then I promised myself I'd never do it again...but I'm itching to do it again tonight.
    My sister used to cut. She was on Vyvanse for ADD and it depressed her so she started cutting... she's one year clean though, now.
    I, however, just started because my boyfriend/best friend of six years broke up with me and it sent me absolutely spiraling into the worst depression I've ever experienced. I would often skip class to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling or sleep all day long. When I did go to class, there was zero focus. I'd usually end up leaving after about 20 minutes in. The thing is, he and I broke up out of practicality- emotionally, we're still completely only for each other, but we had to both focus on school. It was mutual, but then we were supposed to still be there for each other, all supportive and still being with each other in everything but the official title.
    Went and saw a pdoc for the focus problems, turns out I have ADD and depression, though I didn't tell him about the depression because I just... I don't know, I don't trust people to be able to talk to them about that kind of thing. Even my boyfriend didn't know about the scope and the depth of my depression. And I don't want the depression meds, I don't want to feel falsely happy. I just don't feel...real on them.
    Well, now I came home for break (which is where he lives, in my hometown), and he told me now that we are only to be just friends and that we couldn't see each other all the time because he didn't want to get so comfortable and happy with seeing me, only to have me leave to go back to college, where we knew we couldn't be together. Which was the catalyst for all this- since the second week of December, I have come home every day and wept my heart out. Wednesday, I got tired of the constant ache in my chest and tried to release some of that pain by cutting my upper thigh.
    I don't even like blood, but it felt good, like I could take control of my situation and make everything okay even when it wasn't. I never understood why people self harm, but after that first slice, I understood why people do it. And I'm itching to do it again.

    I told him about the fact that I tried cutting. He was fairly shocked. But for some reason, his reaction didn't make me want to stop, nor did it make me want to do it more. I just stayed strangely stable with "yup. I still want to do it."

    Oh, and no relationship advice, please. He and I are ridiculously complex.
  2. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    I'm going to tell you this right now, since you said no relationship advice.


    It's the best advice I can give you, you need to stop before it gets too bad and you can't stop. It's hardly a mark right now, I'll tell you. No matter how many you did, there not going to be even comparable to the ones you'll do in a half years time to escape. Stop. Don't think about it. Just. Stop. If this is how you deal with this pain, what do you think your going to do when your in the pit again? The same thing. It'll be worse, it'll feel good, but it will not, in any way, be beneficial.
  3. skysunsand

    skysunsand Well-Known Member

    I know I should... I know it's not any good for me and I'm trying not to think about it, I'm trying to just let it go and leave it alone, but my mind just keeps drifting back to it constantly...
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