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Just starting here

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Well-Known Member
Hi, I'm Anneinside. I have that name because Anne is my middle name, hence inside and with this name I expose the inside me. I found this community a few days ago when googling for suicide. When I am that way I can't seem to start searching for "the answer", whatever that is. I have since had another ECT treatment so the ideas and intentions have subsided. The maintenance ECT wasn't holding the week so I'll have another ECT treatment tomorrow meaning I will only have a four day lag between that one and the next one.

When I get depressed I tend to tumble right down into suicidalness. (not a word but it says it all) I have a hard time talking about it because people I have talked about it to have over-reacted. I am glad to find a place where my thoughts and impulses can be understood.

More about me. I m 56 and alive alone. My geographically closest relative I can go to lives 3.5 hours away. My closest support, my sister Lori, lives half the continent away but is as close as my phone. I had to give up my house when I went on disability from being a professor at a state university. I used my savings to buy a used double-wide trailer so I don't have a mortgage. I volunteer twice a week fixing donated computers to be given out to people with low incomes. We also repair them if needed for a low fee.

I also have company at home, two dogs. Gypsy, a papillon, is eleven years old and has an enlarged heart but acts like a puppy so I have to have her around for a long time anyway. Abra, a yorkie, is nine years old. She has allergies and is very independent. Every morning we line up. First I take my meds, then I stuff Abra's pills down her throat and finally hide Gypsy's pills in a slice of hotdog. (I can't catch her or get her mouth open, hence the hotdog) We are quite the trio.

Recently I have had several med changes to change antidepressants, deal with depression and have ECT:

dropped Cymbalta 90mg
dropped Trazodone 100mg
dropped Methylphenidate 20mg
decreased Lamictal 300 to 200mg
increased Abilify from 7.5 to 10mg
added Emsam 6mg (an MAOI patch for depression)
had 8 treatments of ECT and am on maintenance now (6 of the treatments were when I was inpatient for 18 days. I have been out for 12 days and counting)

The last thing I would like to share with you is about my daughter, Serena. When she was 16 she was in a car accident (her father was driving) and was killed. This happened in 1992. Now she would be 35 years old. She is my only child. My husband had left me 3 months before she died and these events were what triggered a return of bipolar after minimal symptoms throughout the majority of my adulthood. Her birthday is June 30th and this contributed to the need for me to be hospitalized.

Anyway, I hope sharing this with you lets you inside Anne LOL


Owner Emeritus
Just wanted to say hi and welcome to SF! :) I'm impressed with your volunteer work, I love working with computers so may look for something like that in my area.

I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. :hug: I hope this site gives you a place to share your feelings, and brings you some support and comfort.


Staff Alumni
I'll just express what's on my mind after reading your post in numerical but no particular order.

1) Welcome to this site! You seem to have a world of experience (good and bad, painful and happy)

2) I too offer my sincere condolences in regards to your daughter's passing.

3) I hope ECT is helping you or looks promising. How is it going? Be sure to keep us in the loop about how your meds and ECT are going, since it looks like you've really been adjusting those meds lately ;) Hope you feel better soon! :hugtackles: edit: I just read now in another thread that ECT seems to be helping you out a bit. Good to hear!

4) There can never be more volunteers. What you're doing for low-income families is commendable.

5) Lots of people here can relate to you about how it feels to sink into "suicidalness" like you say (haha I use that word too sometimes, so maybe it'll become an official word someday!).

6) Thanks for sharing and giving us a sneak peek about what's going on in your life today, and again welcome to the forums Anneinside!! :stars: Seeya around. ;)

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi hun i too just want to say how sorry i am for your loss You are to be commended on how you help so many even under all the sadness you are carrying Here anytime you just need to vent or have someone to listen okay hugs
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