This seems like the place for me tonight. I want to scream. I need to let it out. I am just so sick of this year. The worst depression I've ever had. Then my uncle died. Then a friend and co-worker died and I see her empty desk everyday. A close friend had a miscarriage (IVF pregnancy) 3 days after I tried to kill myself. Now I have a broken hand and my father has apparently developed heart disease. My mood went up for a few days, and now it's dropping and I don't want to tell anyone, disappoint them, worry them. It feels like one step up and two steps down. One step up and two steps down. I am alone tonight and I thought about it, got out the means held it in my hand (did more than that, but don't want to discuss the method). I stopped myself, but oh this is just so bloody hard and I hate it. This year has sucked. I am so ready for it to be over, because surely next year will be better. I just want the thoughts to stop. I want to stop the visions, the visions of me killing myself, the visions of me dead. I want those visions not to appeal so much. This is such a private battle, fought in the dark, fought inside my head. This battle must stay private. I am so ashamed, so I tell no one. Shame keeps it private, prevents me from letting anyone else in. Shame can kill. I keep telling everyone how well I’m doing, that I am so much better. But I did something that no sane person would do, took a risk that could kill. I am doing worse, but I can’t tell them. Shame keeps me quiet. I do not want to disappoint. I want the medication to work, so I pretend that it is. I am not just lying to everyone else, I am lying to myself. On my mood chart I rate my depression as mild. I do not want to show it dropping, do not want that line to plummet again, so I lie to myself and pretend I am doing alright. Please tell me next year will be better. Please tell me the medication will start working soon. I really need to stop wanting to die, I want to want to live. I don't know if I have the strength to keep stopping myself from going one step too far. Something has to change soon, it has to. I need the dreams in which I'm dying not to be the best I've ever had.