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Just stop, please just stop

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This seems like the place for me tonight.

I want to scream. I need to let it out. I am just so sick of this year. The worst depression I've ever had. Then my uncle died. Then a friend and co-worker died and I see her empty desk everyday. A close friend had a miscarriage (IVF pregnancy) 3 days after I tried to kill myself. Now I have a broken hand and my father has apparently developed heart disease. My mood went up for a few days, and now it's dropping and I don't want to tell anyone, disappoint them, worry them. It feels like one step up and two steps down. One step up and two steps down. I am alone tonight and I thought about it, got out the means held it in my hand (did more than that, but don't want to discuss the method). I stopped myself, but oh this is just so bloody hard and I hate it. This year has sucked. I am so ready for it to be over, because surely next year will be better.

I just want the thoughts to stop. I want to stop the visions, the visions of me killing myself, the visions of me dead. I want those visions not to appeal so much. This is such a private battle, fought in the dark, fought inside my head. This battle must stay private. I am so ashamed, so I tell no one. Shame keeps it private, prevents me from letting anyone else in. Shame can kill.

I keep telling everyone how well I’m doing, that I am so much better. But I did something that no sane person would do, took a risk that could kill. I am doing worse, but I can’t tell them. Shame keeps me quiet. I do not want to disappoint. I want the medication to work, so I pretend that it is. I am not just lying to everyone else, I am lying to myself. On my mood chart I rate my depression as mild. I do not want to show it dropping, do not want that line to plummet again, so I lie to myself and pretend I am doing alright.

Please tell me next year will be better. Please tell me the medication will start working soon. I really need to stop wanting to die, I want to want to live. I don't know if I have the strength to keep stopping myself from going one step too far. Something has to change soon, it has to. I need the dreams in which I'm dying not to be the best I've ever had.


Staff Alumni
There is no shame in depression hun. Why do we treat it as different than any other problems? I dont know, but its a major obstacle in asking for the help we need. Honestly, it rarely gets better until we reach that point when the fears of sharing is overcome by the necessity to ask for support. Then things really begin to change for the better.
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