I don't even really care if people respond to this. I just feel like I need to write this down somewhere. I feel stuck. I have mixed feelings of wanting to live, wanting to die. I have so much stress from doing what I know is right and doing what I want to do. There are so many people that want me to do this or that, and I can't live up to all their expectations. I feel so abnormal. Honestly, I don't have that big of an attachment to my father and my sister, even though they love me so much. I don't really think I'd be all that sad if they died. The only person I can really say I love is my mom, but it'd break her heart if I didn't do the right thing. It feels so much easier to not have to make decisions. Sometimes I'm scared I won't ever love anyone else in my life. Not feeling attracted to anyone makes me feel abnormal too. I imagine myself being in love sometimes, but it's all just a fantasy. I barely even talk to any guys in real life. It's a strange feeling, being afraid of pain but not of death. Sometimes I think to myself, "I'm only 15, I could do so much more, I would hurt other people if I died", but I don't have a strong desire to live. The problem is, I've always been afraid of pain. I tried cutting myself once and I barely bled but I couldn't go on any further. I tried not breathing, but that brings on a feeling of... uncomfortableness? Maybe that's a form of pain too. Now I feel so empty and stuck. I'm happy at times when I'm preoccupied but when I have nothing to do, I feel like my life is so worthless.