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Just Stuck.

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I don't even really care if people respond to this. I just feel like I need to write this down somewhere.

I feel stuck. I have mixed feelings of wanting to live, wanting to die. I have so much stress from doing what I know is right and doing what I want to do. There are so many people that want me to do this or that, and I can't live up to all their expectations.

I feel so abnormal. Honestly, I don't have that big of an attachment to my father and my sister, even though they love me so much. I don't really think I'd be all that sad if they died. The only person I can really say I love is my mom, but it'd break her heart if I didn't do the right thing. It feels so much easier to not have to make decisions.

Sometimes I'm scared I won't ever love anyone else in my life. Not feeling attracted to anyone makes me feel abnormal too. I imagine myself being in love sometimes, but it's all just a fantasy. I barely even talk to any guys in real life.

It's a strange feeling, being afraid of pain but not of death. Sometimes I think to myself, "I'm only 15, I could do so much more, I would hurt other people if I died", but I don't have a strong desire to live. The problem is, I've always been afraid of pain. I tried cutting myself once and I barely bled but I couldn't go on any further. I tried not breathing, but that brings on a feeling of... uncomfortableness? Maybe that's a form of pain too.

Now I feel so empty and stuck. I'm happy at times when I'm preoccupied but when I have nothing to do, I feel like my life is so worthless.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
You have to find what bring you joy MUSIC i see art maybe find that one thing and use it to move you forward in life. I hope you can talk to your mother about how you feel or a counselor at school talking about things help as well. It is nice to have you reaching out here for support hugs to you
hello and welcome to sf!

can you explain what you mean by doing what is right vs doing what you want to do?

I guess that my idea of doing what is right is some combination of what is good for me and what is good for others. If my needs are particularly strong, then doing what is best for me is sometimes the right thing to do.

it seems to me that if you are feeling suicidal that the right thing to do is the thing that will help you make your life happier
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