Just stuff...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Feb 25, 2012.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Eh.. Feel like shit.. Been so busy again today.. Saw the case manager at the group I go to.. Ended up talking a lot about my past.. etc.. I just feel alone..

    Everyone seems to be dealing with their own stuff right now too.. And tonight everyone I usually talk to is offline.. Just hope they are all ok..

    I feel mentally drained.. Dont want to move.. and a little sick.. I am wanting someone to just hug.. or.. idk.. sit with.. talk to..

    oh well.. heh.. Idk anymore.. what else to say..
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member


    I need a freaking break.. Just.. tired.. and fuck.. and Im sorry for cussing but I cant very well change my thread title to triggering.. Just ugh.. Been so up and down.. craving self destruction.. Remembering only part of shit in my past that randomly apears from no where, all a sudden and plays thru my head like a movie with cut clips and some multiple clips but just different views.. and Im just fucking feeling sick of shit.. My stomach feels sick.. I don't know what I blame myself for.. Why do I hate myself? Why do I cause myself harm?

    ugh.. I hate my head.. It wont shut up.. and fucking need it to.. Been sleeping enough just kinda broken sleep.. And my mind is going all over the place.. Tyring to focus it but internally its so hard.. I got all this I gota do and havent had much break.. Like.. even when on here my mind is just racing.. I need a physical and mental break from it.. But I don't think that will happen for a while.. My head just hurts..

    Last year was the first year my childhood memories began to surface.. and it hit pretty hard.. And this year its really onfusing me again.. and the main points are there but the details differ so widely in view.. and some things are missing.. And my brain wants to figure out what the hell is missing.. Like.. What made me become completly numb at such a young age? Was it simply small things? Or did other things happen?.. ugh.. I feel so crazy... insane..

    One side wants to blame my parents for things.. and the other feels maybe it was just because we were different kind of family.. and another says.. certain things were deserved.. and then I also get messed up with the freakin details.. And My head spins.. As a child I blocked out things.. I was disociated.. Numb to emotion.. all the time.. arround age 6.. till later when I was about 14-16ish.. And then I I get confused again.. How did I break? Yeah.. My brother died.. I lost purpose.. but for the 2 years after his death before my actual suicide attempts and self harm.. I cant really remember what happened.. Its almost all blank.. Was I just in denial?

    What the hell is wrong with me??? ='(