Just suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Funnylikeafool, Apr 18, 2010.

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  1. Since this is my first post, it's a bit long-winded. Three sections: My history, my issue, and my question(the reason I'm posting). Any ideas/stories/comments are much appreciated.

    Treatment History
    So I've been diagnosed with various mental illnesses for 3/4 of my life this year. I've been bounced around between various mental illnesses because apparently if I had depression the anti-depressants would have worked and if I had manic depressive illness the bipolar approved medication would have worked, if I had psychotic depression(you get the idea). Long story short I've been through, I believe it was 16 different drugs the last time I checked and various combinations thereof and psychotherapy and many other therapies.

    The Issue
    Obviously nothing has worked seeing as I am here and looking for comparable experiences. So after being ill for so long, I believe you move past the 'dramatic stage' I'll call it, which more closely resembles borderline personality disorder than any other mental illness. I rarely have breakdowns anymore, only about one or two a year that require social cleaning up afterwards, I simply have a distaste for life. I see the good things in life, I know I could have them all but being in a perfectly neutral state I'd rather die than put any effort into building something meaningful. My illness has crushed every attempt I've made towards school, relationships, and academia.

    Now, please do not take this as an emotionally driven post. I am not depressed, I simply do not care for life. I've had one failed attempt which landed me in a coma for a week and even at that time I made sure not to drink for the month prior to and gave myself that month to see if it was simply an emotional state.

    The Question
    So my question is does anyone else feel this way? You've stopped getting emotionally depressed almost completely and you see all of the good things in life that are around you and that you can reach but... You just don't care for any of them anymore. You start justifying socially consequential actions with the cliche "Live like there's no tomorrow." because frankly, I feel like I'm just waiting to have the money for my method of preference.

    How are you supposed to recover from an illness with no real symptoms other than suicidal intentions? Any answers/stories are appreciated as I am at a loss right now as to if I actually have an issue, I am just fine with leaving life and moving onto what's next if there is anything else to existence.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i don't know but some have recovered from it i am where you are just living day by day in hope something snaps me out of it. right now i am in i don't care anymore mood i really don't care. yet others havve said hang on and they have gotten better so who knows
  3. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I have that feeling. It can either be defense or your mind is just too tired to keep fighting.

    Its apathy that gets the best of us. I know what its like, I have BPD.
    If you need anything...My arms are open. I know everyone says 'it'll all be okay' but I am offering a friendship. It might help in the future.
  4. Well I am glad to know others have the same feeling and yes, apathy is fairly accurate. Oh well, day by day it is and more "Why can't you just shake it off, let's get out of this room"s and all those lovelies.
  5. Another question: I always feel more dangerous when I'm not dramatic(perhaps neurotic is a loose fit) and not drinking and all that good stuff. I have touched alcohol in almost a month now and the only accomplishment that came from that is being reminded of all the reasons I drank. I set a rule for myself though, no alcohol for at least a month if it starts looking bleak, keeps me from making rash decisions.

    Anyways all the pseudo-rants aside, at least when I am drinking I can blame it on the drinking. I can tell myself "Yes, you do not enjoy life anymore but it's probably just the alcohol and if you make it to tomorrow you can have more."

    I'll call it "Calm-before-the-storm Syndrome". Anyone else get an inner peace when you've made up your mind and are simply waiting for the time? Loved ones are all so proud that you've put the drinking aside and stop smoking cigarettes and talk about the future. Perhaps it's a subconscious method of hiding it.
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