just talking

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by elisabeth160, Nov 19, 2007.

  1. elisabeth160

    elisabeth160 New Member

    I guess I just need to let some thoughts out and get a little feedback. Its prob gonna be long so I apologize ahead of time =/

    My mama passed away in late september. To suicide I believe. I say believe because there's a part of me that doesn't know if it was totally intentional. Because she has tried it before in the past for attention from her husband because she called him before, another time she attempted it and said 'come home because I'm about to take pills.'

    My mom was disabled due to a work accident and surgery after effects for the past 5 yrs of her life. She was only 41. She was married to a drug addict man, whom she helped to get clean and stable. who I also believe used her for her money and stability. She was a registered nurse. After her disability she wasn't able to do anything for herself and became drpressed. And her husband would often leave her for a few weeks at a time over a fight they had, knowing how it affected her. She would become severly depressed.

    Well 2 weeks before she did it, he had left her again. She seemed ok with it this time because she said she was over the drama he brought her. I had visited her for something, (I moved out that previous jan. I'm 23) and we talked and I told her I loved her and kissed her. Later that week I had been thinking about her a lot but was too lazy to go over and see her. How I regret that now. So I texted her I <3 u mama. And she texted me back she loved me too.I keep it on my phone because its all I have of her last message to me. I again thought of her the next week. But again didn't. Me and my mom have a strained relationship due to mostly her current husband and weren't getting along untill I moved out, but even then it wasn't what it used to be or could have been.

    Then I got a phone call from my sisters dad. I even thought that he better not be calling me to tell me she did something. I didnt answer. He called again and I still didn't answer. I still don't know why I didn't pick up. It was my sister in a crying panic saying that moms done something. I knew. At that moment I knew. My sister is 17 and lived with my mom still. I had my friend drive me cuz I was crying on the phone with my exstep-dad and he was saying sorry and that she's gone. I got there and they wouldn't let me see her but I had to. I couldn't believe it unless I saw her. I dropped on the floor and wanted to die. I use to cry when I was younger at just the thought of my mama dieing. She was all I had, the only stableness I had. My only parent. My best friend, my diary, my councelar. My Everything.

    Life is so weird now. Her a**hole husband stayed where he was when he had left her. He wasn't even there that night. I tried calling and calling. He came the next day and only for 2 more days. He took her cars her rv her big tv, all possessions. Nothing of her. He just wanted stuff.
    She left a note persay. A txt that she had saved to her phone. Saying how much she needed him but since she couldn't she didn't want to be here. That she was also in pain and couldn't deal anymore, think of me Ect more stuff.

    It makes me soo angry that she would have that p.o.s as her last thoughts. He wasn't good to her. I hate him now.

    And I feel so guilty. If I'm having fun with somthing I feel bad. How can I be smiling when my mother was in so much pain she thought death would be better. And I feel for her. I've been at points where I wanted death so badly. So I can understand that part. But to leave a 17yr old daughter?! To leave at all!?!? I miss her. I cry for her. I just want to feel her, smell her. Talk to her one last time.

    I wish I could go back and go see her like I thought. Maybe it would have showed her that he wasn't her whole life. That she didn't need him to b happy. I would have done EVERYTHING different if I could have seen the future. She was on a lot of medication, oxcycontin for pain and we believe that's what she took.

    I just wish I could know her last thoughts. Did she think we didn't love her? That she was a burden? I drives me nuts because I want to know so badly. To feel what she felt.

    I have good and bad days. Mostly when I'm thinking by myself I cry inside. But rarely to people.
    I've never said these words outside my own head. I appreciate those who've stayed with and finished my ramblings. Sorry if it doesn't make that much sense, I was just letting it flow from my brain to my keyboard.

  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    First let me tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your mother. That is never easy no matter what age you are. I cannot even begin to tell you what was on your mothers mind when she decided she had no options left. As a mother I can tell you that she knew you loved her and she loved you as well. In looking back, we can all see things we would have done differently had we known, but we don't have the opportunity to go back and do things over. There is no guarantee that even if we had, things would have taken a different path. I know your mother would not have wanted to see you follow the path she chose at the end of her life. She would wish for you to live life to its fullest and cherish the time you have. Allow yourself to grieve your loss. It hasn't been long since you lost her. The grieving process has many stages. One you may experience is anger. Don't be surprised if it hits. Celebrate the good times you had with your mom. Write down memories. Maybe start a tradition as a way of honoring her memory. It may be someting small such as telling her goodnight each night before you go to bed, or lighting a candle for her on special occasions. If you need someone to share with, feel free to PM me. Please take care. :hug:
  3. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    i'm sorry for your loss hun :hug: