Real intimate relationships. I'm beginning to realize how much they are needed so you dont have to deal with shit alone. I'm afraid i wont have someone to talk to or cry with when my parents die, or that ill live alone my entire life consumed by material items to keep me occupied and distracted from reality. But i dont want to know many people because theres always an end to relationships and i dont want to experience that. I dont want to kill myself anymore becasue i dont want to hurt anyone around me but im also terrified of not existing anymore. I cant wrap my head around any of it. But i dont want to continue because its just too hard and painful. How do people do this? How do you get through 30 years, 40...50? It just seems everything ebbs and flows in life and it gets rather redundant and boring, and when it isnt it either doesnt last long enough or it hurts too much. Like falling from a ledge at an awkward angle. All you can do is brace for impact. Or you're constantly grasping for something thats just out of reach like the carrot in front of the horse, and when you finally do actually get your hands on it you let go of something else. Always in pursuit of something and never content. I miss being a kid when everything seemed like a new beginning. Any unknown was something fun and imaginative and happy.