Just talking..

justMe7 · Jul 4, 2011

Im alone, so I guess I have a choice as to how I should feel. I should feel hopeful, and happy with what I have. And I can tell myself this, and I feel.. fine. But the truth is i am not happy. I dont know what that words mean to feel anymore.
Im not trying to waste time i just want to talk to someone tonight. I actually wanted to talk to someone so i could make myself do it, but I know I won't because I have this false hope of life infront of me. It's kept alive by the fact that I don't look at my own life in a realistic fashion anymore.
Im 25, i have no education, I can't recall a thing from highschool, I have learnt no skills since graduating highschool{Which i dont know how I did, I skipped over 200 classes in grade 12}. Ever since leaving things have gotten worse. I dream more than I live. I can't connect with people, I can only connect with their dreams, and it's.. horrible. It's horrible to be the one who fails at bringing those dreams to light when theyare so possible. Just feel like shit .. I dont talk about anything I just feel so.. I dont know anymore. Ive struggled to let how I feel out, because I was burying it beneath a life thats not my own. Nothing felt right it just kept going and going. Im not a passanger, but im not a driver either. Hell I cant even drive now. Ive not basic skills anymore. My social skills are gone. If you dont have some substance for me to latch onto straight away I dont know what to say. im socially lost. And that comes with it's own subsequent issues. My memories gone, I dont remember or know how to energise it. Or have the want anymore to try. My homes not my home, work? works been bottom feeding for the last four years. Im back at bottom feeding and its so incredibly draining its unreal. I feel slightly better saying that, its like it's an excuse for how I feel, and things will get better. But it's not that, this just amplifies my distaste for my life. I torment myself with hopes and dreams I can never have, and I know if I ever touched with them, who I am would ruin them in no time flat. There's no long a time when I feel comfortable around people for more than a few moments. I instantly think to family gatherings and things like that.. oh id give anything to be happy with who i am so i could be hapy around other people . but i dont change. and its getting so bad. It's swinging between total head pressure, like a numbing fire, to i feel sad to this is never going to change is it. It's been leading to this for over adecade, slowly, but surely. I needed hope i needed real substance and i never ..

oh dear.
nothing makes this easier, and the only thing that keeps me going is my bouncy mentality to the next step, to the next progressive place.
but im really tired. at the sametime. and it's two parts now and im having difficulty seeing tomorrow. I can see tomorrow, then i feel trapped by the failings that encompass who I am. They destroy tomorrow and leave me with today, and everything that happens today happens tomorrow but worse and worse. I have to lie about how I feel, i have to not share how i feel, i cannot share because ..
idk.
apparently im an emotional abuser aswell. Maybe.. i think i drain life from people to be honest. i dont know who I am, and the things that have been said when im low have, .. idk. they make me pause. I mean I dont react, ive trained myself not too because im hyper sensitive to everything, but that's because i dont let myself be me. I keep getting hurt mentally and emtionally when im me, that ive retreated into a shell that allowed me to function. Funny enough, people like my shell more than me. Infact, people love me like that, and that hurts. Im tired of being an idiot.. I had such a great perception on life, and things, I could see distance and i was working .. beginning to atleast work on doing things in the moment and just being me.
but now i want to prepare. I want to plan because im tired of trying and getting no where and enduring this and that, and having to beg for help and having the grace of even more humilation of falling to the floor and being looked after and pittied. I dont fall to anyone, im tired of opening up to people and having it used against me. Ive had my entire life ripped and distorted mentally by the people i care about. Yes, Im the fucker who provoked it, so that justifies it in myeyes. But I cant escape the feelings i feel in responce. and getting so tired of it. I dont want to work tomorrow, infact i almost dont think i can. I dont want to go to sleep, i want to go to the waterfall. but i dont know. it's not just killing me thats te problem, it's accepting nothing. because i know that feeling leading to death. everything fades, every part of me disappears into nothing. the most important parts stand up for a moment to scream im here. but my conviction now is going the wrong way because what possible reasons do i have that i can actually share and love and experience? It's not changing its getting worse and i only lie to myself to keep trying and postpone everyting to keep going and hoping to end up failing and ..

oh dear..

my life like this is usually a fleeting burst and a moment. A way for me to, scream im here, i need a soul, i need a reason a truth, an unwavering connection.. but to not get caught up in it. now i cant escape it. ive done it so many times that its here so deeply, with so much mass. . it holds more importance and meaning, and ultimatly truth and reason then anything ive tried for in my life. I cant keep trying to live and care and be with people. I've proven that i hurt and drain the life out of those around me. And living for me is and has never worked. I mean i live for me and i would for those i love but its.. nothing right not a thing. it hasnt been. i dont know

my indecisivness keeps me away from this, but .. i kept coming back. But now.. when i pause and shift, I still feel it. I dont get a break. Some people make me feel so special and alive that i can literally breath. but thats going to lead to me using them and hurting them and i cant do that. plus i mean i dont do fuck all and icant commit to even the simpliest of things. everythings so ..gone except for a little bit of hope in me but that's.. right now im wanting forget this.. because i cant keep living a failing, and dreaming a dream. It really hurts so much that the contrast is driving me insane. I havet o keep dreaming otherwise I lose who i am. Who i am has been trampled on so much by me, and recently ..
everything screams help but whats that going to do. the only one who can get me out of this is me, i know that. i just.. im really giving into a numbness.. im tired of lies.. i live a life with lies and deciet. It hurts my heart and soul and those are all i have left to touch life and people with.

idk

LoveBeing · Jul 4, 2011

Hi SBlake,

I’ve read some of your posts. The truth is that in essence we are all the same. Our conditioned mind tricks most of us believe that we are what we do or have, or how we behave, etc, but they are just ideas/images of who we are projected by the mind. If we can go beyond these ideas/images and not let them make us feel down on ourselves, we can be free in a way by seeing/being with the truth of life…

It seems like you have a strong opinion about your job. Other people can delude themselves by believing that they are more than who you are, but you can see that’s not the reality or truth of life. Maybe you need the job for your daily needs or something. If you have no other choice, at least you can choose to do the job with acceptance. Otherwise, keeping the job seems to generate more negative energy than the daily needs it may provide. Of course, only you know better about what choices you have and what choice(s) you can make…

Others may not understand you and put you down with or without intentions as our human minds are unfortunately conditioned with so many illusions, but you yourself can choose not to put yourself down regardless of the life situation. The truth is that nobody is higher or lower than anyone else in reality. Only the conditioned human mind makes up delusional thoughts and tricks ourselves into believing them…

As you know, there are people with free spirits who may not have much or do anything significant but are in peace with themselves. There is a guy I see quite often when I walk with my dog along the seashore. I don't know if he has a job, but I remember he said: "I'm not attached to things and things are not attached to me." I can see that he is in deep peace with himself. I also feel your free spirit and loving heart. If you can unconditionally accept and love yourself and know that you are worthy just like anyone else, you can feel connected with life itself no matter what is happening in your life situation. Here is something I feel helpful for me to feel the connectedness with life itself:

I encourage you to go to the nature and feel the oneness with life…nourish your soul…

justMe7 · Jul 4, 2011

]Hi SBlake,

I’ve read some of your posts. The truth is that in essence we are all the same. Our conditioned mind tricks most of us believe that we are what we do or have, or how we behave, etc, but they are just ideas/images of who we are projected by the mind. If we can go beyond these ideas/images and not let them make us feel down on ourselves, we can be free in a way by seeing/being with the truth of life…

Well of course... if you dont want to fit in and just be who you are and free flow regardless of the reality our race creates for itself. You're talking about the `whole` perceieved truth, which is relative, but at times completely useless to reality. It's a perception and awareness, not a fundmamental truth. Using those `perceptions and awarnesses` to dilute the feelings and sesnations im feeling only suits to disperse who i am further by not giving who i am and how i feel the appriopriate friction.

It seems like you have a strong opinion about your job. Other people can delude themselves by believing that they are more than who you are, but you can see that’s not the reality or truth of life. Maybe you need the job for your daily needs or something. If you have no other choice, at least you can choose to do the job with acceptance. Otherwise, keeping the job seems to generate more negative energy than the daily needs it may provide. Of course, only you know better about what choices you have and what choice(s) you can make…

Youre missing the point, I am bottom feeding for work. I have no energy to draw from so finding anything is a miracle, getting up to go is a miracle, and enduring the emotional and mental torture i go through at these jobs is .. what it is. Finding a job to suit me? requires skills, ive mentioned the flawed abilities i possess that hinder the development of skills at the moment which negatises my ability to find a job that suits me, if i even knew of any job that could exist. I know what youre saying. It would be lovely to have one in sync with who I am so i could release and express on a progressive level.

BUT THIS IS PROJECTIONAL PLANNING THOUGHT and nullifies me completely because it's Hope. Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

Others may not understand you and put you down with or without intentions as our human minds are unfortunately conditioned with so many illusions, but you yourself can choose not to put yourself down regardless of the life situation. The truth is that nobody is higher or lower than anyone else in reality. Only the conditioned human mind makes up delusional thoughts and tricks ourselves into believing them…

Yes I know... equality, you can only make urself less. I've done enough mental and emotinal exploration to understand conditioned illusions brought about by birth and environment and manifesting into core tools that produce their own variations of perceptions to life and `how` itshould be lived in society vs existence. I don't trick myself, i express and attempt various alternatives without rerunning the same beaten path too much and ive whittled it down to the bare minimum of thoughts and aspects that i can maintain to keep my hope and drive alive aswell as still connecting myself to my feelings and who i am. I can barely do this anymore

As you know, there are people with free spirits who may not have much or do anything significant but are in peace with themselves. There is a guy I see quite often when I walk with my dog along the seashore. I don't know if he has a job, but I remember he said: "I'm not attached to things and things are not attached to me." I can see that he is in deep peace with himself. I also feel your free spirit and loving heart. If you can unconditionally accept and love yourself and know that you are worthy just like anyone else, you can feel connected with life itself no matter what is happening in your life situation. Here is something I feel helpful for me to feel the connectedness with life itself:

Good for him. Im not a free spirit, im a fucked up individual who has no ability to function in life. Im sorry i know what youre trying to show me but your version is venturing into the chill and relax and dont give a crap percieve and connect on a completely different tune to what the aspect of life is all about in this moment and time. Those sorts of connective feelings are completely different when you disconnect from the whole of our race and im tired of being a loner it's all i ever am, i even fail when im just on my own.

I encourage you to go to the nature and feel the oneness with life…nourish your soul…

what exactly is nature going to give me? Do you consider the answers to life to be found in nature alone? Great i can do that shit fine. It's people and society I cannot deal with, and the fact im a freaken morong and incapable of progressive anything. Im coming from another place to where your suggesting.

Idk.. they're really good suggestions.. its difficult because your suggestions are methods ive been through on some level and the isolation and dilution of who i am is so rampent when i expand that way.. i just loathe it.. idk.. im losing the plot. i cant handle reality. your suggestions are for something that happens outside of reality. A perception doesnt pay bills, a perception doesnt harness an ability or skill direction usually, and i tmost defiantly doesnt heal and warm my heart and make me feel like i exist to someone else and be able to reciprocate that,

I cant even make my point of why im such an emotional wreck. I feel like im loseing who i am. I dont want to fill me with something else... i cant. i have barely enough of me left and if im going to be like this forever i dont want it.. i cant take it i really really want to be free of this

LoveBeing · Jul 4, 2011

SBlake said:

Whether it’s completely useless to reality depends on whether we truly know it rather than whether we think we know…

You said “It's a perception and awareness, not a fundmamental truth”. Well, I’m not here to argue, but I’d mention that the truth may be the opposite…

So you have no choice but to do the job with acceptance. It’s not what we do, but how we do it - with prejudicial thoughts against the job or with acceptance. With acceptance and no prejudicial thoughts, you would not suffer - maybe there is a point?

You may feel that you hate this moment. The fact is that this moment is not the problem, but what the mind thinks that makes you feel in this moment is the problem. There are so many judgements against yourself in your thoughts. Imagine how you would feel without those judgements/thoughts at this moment…

When we feel down in situations like this, the mind is tricking us…while we are not always aware of its trickiness - that’s how it can trick us… The thoughts of “shoulds” are tricky as they are usually the opposite of reality. If the mind is not tricky, it would simply accept or face the reality itself instead of thinking what should or should not be a certain way…

I’m not suggesting disconnecting from the whole of our race; rather, connect with life as a whole from a different perspective, more real than the mind made world. I felt a deep and real connection with that man in his free spirit…

No, the answers to life may not be found in nature alone, but the nature can nurture us and help us find balance in life…

Anyway, the truth is that you do have what it takes to live a life you really want…it’s how and what you do with what you have in you that makes the difference…and it’s never too late…

justMe7 · Jul 5, 2011

LoveBeing said:

I don't particularly have the energy to go through your points individually.. but i appriacte them. I know where you're going, to find a reason and purpose in existence that liberates my own perceptions and feelings from the limited scope that they are dwelling in. Atleast that's how im seeing what youre saying.

You maybe right. I lost who I am in that though last time. Now ive found myself to a minor degree.

But I cant handle this, the reality of my life is shit, i just didnt go to work today. Which as a result destroys that reference and access through those contacts. I just feel totally overwhelmed by the reality of my life. It's difficult knowing im a bottom feeder, whose bound to be kicked out of the country in a couple years. To be socially messed up(these are realistic aspects, not mental perceptions), to be unable to focus or learn anything new. I owe money on this house, im threatened with being evicted, I have a dog, a great dane at that, my gf is in a worse situation .. and that's just a can of failure in itself. I have some hope outside of this with other people but i refuse to put all my hope onto something that is going to hurt them and ultimatly destroy me in that way. I dont think they know how messed up I am. It's easy to make myself semi normal online or in short bursts, but I crumble. I cant flow with people for long, I lose energy and then just ride off of whatever theyre talking about or doing because i cant add or think quick enough due to reasons. I do not want to be alone, I have felt alone for so long and it's horrible. Ive kept people away hoping that id find someone whom i could trust and being to open up in a safe and loving environment, whom ultimatly understands who ia m, and can help me find the ways to see them, and other life. But that didnt work. I found love but riddled with shit here and there. Restrictions and my failings made things worse, more and more.

Nothing changes for me. Im not being a twat about it, it's always the same. I am so aware of what i am going through and feeling but i dont have the energy to do anything about it. I say i struggle to get out of bed.. i suppose that's partly why you keep suggesting a grander perceptional shift to release the `pressure` of this life by letting me feel it's not as important as im making it out ot be.

I want this shit to be important. It is important... it's more important and i cant handle it. I know why i try, there are so many reasons. And i have too. Otherwise what is the point. Ill be a useless person, homeless, ineffective in life, alone, and deteroriate inside. Well im on that edge. I have been for a couple years, and ive ok at keeping myself on the more positive edge. I found a reason recently, but i went about it all wrong and destroyed everything.

So I wake up every morning to hopes that are instantly attacked by reality and negative possibilities. Yes, talking about it helps, but i cant talk about it to anyone. So I endure them and deal with them on my own. Ive lost the ability to rationally and emoitnally deal with them, so i just force myself to move. But i KNOW that by forcing myself, im leaving that negativity inside, and i can feel its weight growing. How can I possibly get close to someone else and let that near them? I know if I had a reason, a real reason and hope i could remind myself and hold onto it, and work through anything. Ive done it before. But my reasons keep getting attacked and zagged by whats around me.

The problem with me is, Ill talk about it, and that opens the flood gates. Itll make me feel better for a day but then by tomorrow ill feel so insecure and like shit again that.. i need to talk about it. But it's like ill talk about the samethings again, and even be feeling it worse, becasue im opening up to how i feel. It's like I need someone to reassure me, which .. idk.. just sucks. I think that in itself is a drain, a method if had that is sort of an addiction? The only thing i can do to become better is to do it on my own and its not working. Nothings changing, and there are serious moments where i cant see past the street in my mind, and i get lost in this shit life. I get so much hope from one person.. and i feel terrified that im going to hurt that gentle hope. So.. idk..

Somehow I have to make myself feel worth it, but that completely is ravaged by whats around me. im not actually too sure what im worth tbh. It's a confusing contrast from equality {which is what keeps me leveled but numb} to personal worth.

justMe7 · Jul 5, 2011

no one gets it... i try so hard to open it up and explain it but id get more responses if i just clump it up.

I want to die. Life gets worse, i get older, i just hurt people, dreams are false for me. I keep looking up methods. I cant handle being like this anymore

LoveBeing · Jul 5, 2011

You are overwhelmed…depressed…you need to get yourself some help…you can get through this…

You said “Nothing changes for me.” That’s not really true. You also said “I have some hope outside of this with other people…” You can give yourself more opportunities and do whatever you can and need to do at each of this moment… We learn from our mistakes. You have had lots of experiences. Now you are in a better position to succeed in doing what you have been trying to do. Did you watch the video clip at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuK...eature=related He asked “what do you do after falling many times?” You try to get back up again and you may just get back up next time…

Please talk to someone…get the help you need…how you think and feel will change!!

justMe7 · Jul 5, 2011

idk.. it's not like i have any real pressure. I mean common my lifes a piece of cake..

I dont know. I don't have anyone to talk to. Well I do, but I dont. How do I keep talking to people about how I feel and apply that to my own shifting procrastination and inabilities.

I dont particularly know what anyone can do to be honest. Anyone who tries just gets burnt anyhow.. I fall down all the time lovebeing. Getting back up has become a normal routine. Im just so tired. I dont get anything from anywhere. Id kill for a hug from someone i trusted and loved but thats not going to happen. You know? Feeling happy.. i dont feel happy, i just feel like i need to get away all the time, and no matter where i turn its going to be dark as this.

LoveBeing · Jul 5, 2011

Well, in reality, there may be no real pressure, but your mind keeps setting you up against what is actually happening around you. That may be the cause of your feeling so down?

You are aware that your shifting procrastination is a problem…you can find motivation/strength to do something about that. As to your ability, it’s also relative. You have the ability to do something at this moment and that is good enough for this moment. (This doesn’t mean that you should stop where you are. You can still improve your skills and work towards a goal.) But your mind can make you believe that it’s not good enough for this moment while at the same time it’s not motivating you to improve your skills/ability…

You mentioned that you have a g/f? Are you still together?

How can one feel happy? If feeling happy depends on the external things, even if you achieve those things and feel happy sometimes, it wouldn’t be long before you feel lace of something and feel unhappy again. It’s the thinking pattern of the mind, which pattern you have the power to break. I know this may not be what you would like to hear now, but it is true - as you know, lots of people who seem to have everything may still feel miserable…such as some lottery winners who have committed suicide…

You have looked deep inside you. You feel closer to your heart. Please let the heart lead you. Go beyond the mind. Real happiness/peace/freedom can be yours. Some external help is important now as you may already know that some of your thoughts are distorted or contradictory. Also, don't worry about what might happen in the future and go get the help you can towards your hope or goal - whatever you worry about the future cannot be worse than how you feel now...and you do have a chance to succeed...

Again, things change…how you think and feel also changes…please give all your attention to how to live…get the help you need…

With hugs from the heart to you :hug:

justMe7 · Jul 7, 2011

LoveBeing said:

Nah. I feel pressure, but there is a distinctive seperation between this pressure and who I am. My problems are in who I am and my abilities. The pressure with what's around me drives me nuts. It honestly does, but it's managable. To be honet I could keep my cool through most things, but only if who I am is balanced and .. well lots of things.

idk it's hard to read your posts, because they are of a logical sense. You're talking to someone who has been logical, who has failed at being logical, whose let their feelings that he neglected and hindered through life come out and grow, only to have those feelings finding no connection that i dont fear anymore.

Yes there is a find degree of connection and seperation between thoughts and feelings. Thoughts inevitably are anchor points for feelings, and feelings inevitable motivation fuels and colour for thoughts. They both inspure and contaminate eachother.

My thoughts may be contradictory, but that's because im having to force myself to challenge and grow who I am. Im very tired because I can't keep my momentum going. Everything that I am is in what i am, and I feel so much like a failure. I keep going though :tongue: It's getting harder though. I wish I could crash against the world like a wave against the rocks, but return to my soul. It doesn't work like that though.

Bah.. I love talking about it, but I dont think anyone or anything can really help me. People give me a boost, an inspiration or a flow to cling to or follow, but.. who I am on my own. I don't know. All I know is the world has alot of beautiful people and expressions that I can feel.

Too bad i just dont agree with life in general lol. :tongue: it's so silly it's almost laughable, but it's not really. I think I just don't agree with it because it's far too daming to how I feel. I wish i felt something unique. Im just forcing anger alot, fighting myself trying ferously to destroy my splitted self, but in those final moments maintaining who i am and resisting and healing myself against those darker feelings that call for those final blows. I know that reads so very dangerously. But for me, it's the only way I feel like I exist, and that Im still me.

... :tongue:

What can i do?

Meh I just keep going that's what I have to do. Until i can't. I just worry all my pathethic inconsistant giveup attempts have been in vain. I feel drained. Narrowed with my ability to maintain my thoughts and inspire my feelings, so im canabolising myself to keep them alive. Iguess. Who knows anymore. Life just sucks for me. Not life itself, just me in life. I honestly am no good part of life. I just am here, and in a social sense I could create a justifiable string of why I need to go away. But Im not that stupid to believe it completely, so when I try to slice my wrists or drown myself, I my dreams and feelings and thoughts ignite to remind me that theres still loads of hope.
It's very annoying to be honest. To be such a failure at commiting to something.

I keep going, im still here. This isn't a new issue for me. These are the same problems I feel all the time and have felt since i was young. Just expanded upon. I don't know how to feel happy

I am too aware of my own thoughts, because who I am when I am not is someone I dont like. So Im kinda stuck. plus the fact im no good at anything. but hey theres always tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow Ill run off that dreary relaxing numbness from sleep that I may get, or perhaps if I wake too early Ill not have that and get that overwhelming feeling of failure and panic.

These are simple things, that I just expand upon to find me. Well I screwed that crap up too. I dont have any real issues, i just dont feel I exist, and I dont feel any connection from this world to the degree I need to validate that I am alive. Which makes me spiral out on the shit of "why do I need validation, and whose so important to validate, and are they more of a blah lbah blah"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLJf9qJHR3E

LoveBeing · Jul 7, 2011

Thanks for your openness...

Can you be a good friend to yourself? It’s always nice to have a good friend - who else can be a closer friend than yourself?

Our thoughts about who we are do not change the reality/truth of who we are. The truth is that we are all the same as human beings. What we do or have does not change this truth. However, I’m not saying what we do or have does not matter at all…

Your “keep going” spirit is respectable. You are very strong. You have gone through a lot and worked very hard. Is it possible that things may work out better if you are not too hard on yourself? Here is something about how to be a good friend to yourself:

Maybe when you are a real good friend to yourself, you’d feel more connected to life and others as well?

I know we are just talking :tongue:

p.s. I listened to the song...

justMe7 · Jul 7, 2011

Im not sure about being good to myself. Im fair and honest with myself in that regard. But I faulter easily so I have to keep myself in line. Im just very tired of trying to with myself and still making the same mistakes. I do get to a degree what you mean though. And as far as being strong and going throuh alot and worked hard, that's not true unfortunatly.

Can't hurt to try being kinder to myelf i guess

Just talking..

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