Im alone, so I guess I have a choice as to how I should feel. I should feel hopeful, and happy with what I have. And I can tell myself this, and I feel.. fine. But the truth is i am not happy. I dont know what that words mean to feel anymore.
Im not trying to waste time i just want to talk to someone tonight. I actually wanted to talk to someone so i could make myself do it, but I know I won't because I have this false hope of life infront of me. It's kept alive by the fact that I don't look at my own life in a realistic fashion anymore.
Im 25, i have no education, I can't recall a thing from highschool, I have learnt no skills since graduating highschool{Which i dont know how I did, I skipped over 200 classes in grade 12}. Ever since leaving things have gotten worse. I dream more than I live. I can't connect with people, I can only connect with their dreams, and it's.. horrible. It's horrible to be the one who fails at bringing those dreams to light when theyare so possible. Just feel like shit .. I dont talk about anything I just feel so.. I dont know anymore. Ive struggled to let how I feel out, because I was burying it beneath a life thats not my own. Nothing felt right it just kept going and going. Im not a passanger, but im not a driver either. Hell I cant even drive now. Ive not basic skills anymore. My social skills are gone. If you dont have some substance for me to latch onto straight away I dont know what to say. im socially lost. And that comes with it's own subsequent issues. My memories gone, I dont remember or know how to energise it. Or have the want anymore to try. My homes not my home, work? works been bottom feeding for the last four years. Im back at bottom feeding and its so incredibly draining its unreal. I feel slightly better saying that, its like it's an excuse for how I feel, and things will get better. But it's not that, this just amplifies my distaste for my life. I torment myself with hopes and dreams I can never have, and I know if I ever touched with them, who I am would ruin them in no time flat. There's no long a time when I feel comfortable around people for more than a few moments. I instantly think to family gatherings and things like that.. oh id give anything to be happy with who i am so i could be hapy around other people . but i dont change. and its getting so bad. It's swinging between total head pressure, like a numbing fire, to i feel sad to this is never going to change is it. It's been leading to this for over adecade, slowly, but surely. I needed hope i needed real substance and i never ..
oh dear.
nothing makes this easier, and the only thing that keeps me going is my bouncy mentality to the next step, to the next progressive place.
but im really tired. at the sametime. and it's two parts now and im having difficulty seeing tomorrow. I can see tomorrow, then i feel trapped by the failings that encompass who I am. They destroy tomorrow and leave me with today, and everything that happens today happens tomorrow but worse and worse. I have to lie about how I feel, i have to not share how i feel, i cannot share because ..
idk.
apparently im an emotional abuser aswell. Maybe.. i think i drain life from people to be honest. i dont know who I am, and the things that have been said when im low have, .. idk. they make me pause. I mean I dont react, ive trained myself not too because im hyper sensitive to everything, but that's because i dont let myself be me. I keep getting hurt mentally and emtionally when im me, that ive retreated into a shell that allowed me to function. Funny enough, people like my shell more than me. Infact, people love me like that, and that hurts. Im tired of being an idiot.. I had such a great perception on life, and things, I could see distance and i was working .. beginning to atleast work on doing things in the moment and just being me.
but now i want to prepare. I want to plan because im tired of trying and getting no where and enduring this and that, and having to beg for help and having the grace of even more humilation of falling to the floor and being looked after and pittied. I dont fall to anyone, im tired of opening up to people and having it used against me. Ive had my entire life ripped and distorted mentally by the people i care about. Yes, Im the fucker who provoked it, so that justifies it in myeyes. But I cant escape the feelings i feel in responce. and getting so tired of it. I dont want to work tomorrow, infact i almost dont think i can. I dont want to go to sleep, i want to go to the waterfall. but i dont know. it's not just killing me thats te problem, it's accepting nothing. because i know that feeling leading to death. everything fades, every part of me disappears into nothing. the most important parts stand up for a moment to scream im here. but my conviction now is going the wrong way because what possible reasons do i have that i can actually share and love and experience? It's not changing its getting worse and i only lie to myself to keep trying and postpone everyting to keep going and hoping to end up failing and ..
oh dear..
my life like this is usually a fleeting burst and a moment. A way for me to, scream im here, i need a soul, i need a reason a truth, an unwavering connection.. but to not get caught up in it. now i cant escape it. ive done it so many times that its here so deeply, with so much mass. . it holds more importance and meaning, and ultimatly truth and reason then anything ive tried for in my life. I cant keep trying to live and care and be with people. I've proven that i hurt and drain the life out of those around me. And living for me is and has never worked. I mean i live for me and i would for those i love but its.. nothing right not a thing. it hasnt been. i dont know
my indecisivness keeps me away from this, but .. i kept coming back. But now.. when i pause and shift, I still feel it. I dont get a break. Some people make me feel so special and alive that i can literally breath. but thats going to lead to me using them and hurting them and i cant do that. plus i mean i dont do fuck all and icant commit to even the simpliest of things. everythings so ..gone except for a little bit of hope in me but that's.. right now im wanting forget this.. because i cant keep living a failing, and dreaming a dream. It really hurts so much that the contrast is driving me insane. I havet o keep dreaming otherwise I lose who i am. Who i am has been trampled on so much by me, and recently ..
everything screams help but whats that going to do. the only one who can get me out of this is me, i know that. i just.. im really giving into a numbness.. im tired of lies.. i live a life with lies and deciet. It hurts my heart and soul and those are all i have left to touch life and people with.
idk
Im not trying to waste time i just want to talk to someone tonight. I actually wanted to talk to someone so i could make myself do it, but I know I won't because I have this false hope of life infront of me. It's kept alive by the fact that I don't look at my own life in a realistic fashion anymore.
Im 25, i have no education, I can't recall a thing from highschool, I have learnt no skills since graduating highschool{Which i dont know how I did, I skipped over 200 classes in grade 12}. Ever since leaving things have gotten worse. I dream more than I live. I can't connect with people, I can only connect with their dreams, and it's.. horrible. It's horrible to be the one who fails at bringing those dreams to light when theyare so possible. Just feel like shit .. I dont talk about anything I just feel so.. I dont know anymore. Ive struggled to let how I feel out, because I was burying it beneath a life thats not my own. Nothing felt right it just kept going and going. Im not a passanger, but im not a driver either. Hell I cant even drive now. Ive not basic skills anymore. My social skills are gone. If you dont have some substance for me to latch onto straight away I dont know what to say. im socially lost. And that comes with it's own subsequent issues. My memories gone, I dont remember or know how to energise it. Or have the want anymore to try. My homes not my home, work? works been bottom feeding for the last four years. Im back at bottom feeding and its so incredibly draining its unreal. I feel slightly better saying that, its like it's an excuse for how I feel, and things will get better. But it's not that, this just amplifies my distaste for my life. I torment myself with hopes and dreams I can never have, and I know if I ever touched with them, who I am would ruin them in no time flat. There's no long a time when I feel comfortable around people for more than a few moments. I instantly think to family gatherings and things like that.. oh id give anything to be happy with who i am so i could be hapy around other people . but i dont change. and its getting so bad. It's swinging between total head pressure, like a numbing fire, to i feel sad to this is never going to change is it. It's been leading to this for over adecade, slowly, but surely. I needed hope i needed real substance and i never ..
oh dear.
nothing makes this easier, and the only thing that keeps me going is my bouncy mentality to the next step, to the next progressive place.
but im really tired. at the sametime. and it's two parts now and im having difficulty seeing tomorrow. I can see tomorrow, then i feel trapped by the failings that encompass who I am. They destroy tomorrow and leave me with today, and everything that happens today happens tomorrow but worse and worse. I have to lie about how I feel, i have to not share how i feel, i cannot share because ..
idk.
apparently im an emotional abuser aswell. Maybe.. i think i drain life from people to be honest. i dont know who I am, and the things that have been said when im low have, .. idk. they make me pause. I mean I dont react, ive trained myself not too because im hyper sensitive to everything, but that's because i dont let myself be me. I keep getting hurt mentally and emtionally when im me, that ive retreated into a shell that allowed me to function. Funny enough, people like my shell more than me. Infact, people love me like that, and that hurts. Im tired of being an idiot.. I had such a great perception on life, and things, I could see distance and i was working .. beginning to atleast work on doing things in the moment and just being me.
but now i want to prepare. I want to plan because im tired of trying and getting no where and enduring this and that, and having to beg for help and having the grace of even more humilation of falling to the floor and being looked after and pittied. I dont fall to anyone, im tired of opening up to people and having it used against me. Ive had my entire life ripped and distorted mentally by the people i care about. Yes, Im the fucker who provoked it, so that justifies it in myeyes. But I cant escape the feelings i feel in responce. and getting so tired of it. I dont want to work tomorrow, infact i almost dont think i can. I dont want to go to sleep, i want to go to the waterfall. but i dont know. it's not just killing me thats te problem, it's accepting nothing. because i know that feeling leading to death. everything fades, every part of me disappears into nothing. the most important parts stand up for a moment to scream im here. but my conviction now is going the wrong way because what possible reasons do i have that i can actually share and love and experience? It's not changing its getting worse and i only lie to myself to keep trying and postpone everyting to keep going and hoping to end up failing and ..
oh dear..
my life like this is usually a fleeting burst and a moment. A way for me to, scream im here, i need a soul, i need a reason a truth, an unwavering connection.. but to not get caught up in it. now i cant escape it. ive done it so many times that its here so deeply, with so much mass. . it holds more importance and meaning, and ultimatly truth and reason then anything ive tried for in my life. I cant keep trying to live and care and be with people. I've proven that i hurt and drain the life out of those around me. And living for me is and has never worked. I mean i live for me and i would for those i love but its.. nothing right not a thing. it hasnt been. i dont know
my indecisivness keeps me away from this, but .. i kept coming back. But now.. when i pause and shift, I still feel it. I dont get a break. Some people make me feel so special and alive that i can literally breath. but thats going to lead to me using them and hurting them and i cant do that. plus i mean i dont do fuck all and icant commit to even the simpliest of things. everythings so ..gone except for a little bit of hope in me but that's.. right now im wanting forget this.. because i cant keep living a failing, and dreaming a dream. It really hurts so much that the contrast is driving me insane. I havet o keep dreaming otherwise I lose who i am. Who i am has been trampled on so much by me, and recently ..
everything screams help but whats that going to do. the only one who can get me out of this is me, i know that. i just.. im really giving into a numbness.. im tired of lies.. i live a life with lies and deciet. It hurts my heart and soul and those are all i have left to touch life and people with.
idk