I'm just so torn...I know that no advice will help me, because I have to kind of hit rock bottom with him. I'm a strong woman. But he reduces me to humiliation. I feel so weak right now, like I deserve everything I get. This is NOT me. It's very rattling. If I decide to break up my relationship, it'll be over, no chance for reuniting at all. So I have to take this very seriously and decide if it's really what I want or not. I know that my boyfriend won't break up with me, he told me so. He said he'll never leave me. He's so confident that I'll never leave him that he says stupid, hurtful things, "knowing" that I'll eventually get over them. If he decided to leave, and really leave that is, I'd be very shocked. He's broken up with me often, but changes his mind when I agree. He has it way too good here and he knows it. I kind of wish he would. Here are my reasons: - he is emotionally abusive: when I try to talk about my feelings, he frustrates the hell out of me to the point where I am LITERALLY pulling my hair out (I did that today). He won't let me talk, he always cuts me off, changes the subject, picks on me, won't listen, swears, calls me names, degrades me, rejects me then ignores me, making me beg for his attention. If I don't swallow my pride and apologize for something I haven't done, he will continue the verbal game until I do. He refuses to accept my apologies, refuses to forgive, holds grudges and emotionally punishes me until HE'S ready. He threatens, orders me to leave the room or he'll ignore me. I feel so low when I'm ordered to leave. I don't feel like myself. I hate him. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH - he's on social assistance and doesn't contribute more than 10% of the expenses. Thank gosh for my disability income. - he's selfish, lazy and narcissistic, half the time I simply agree with him to avoid a fight. I do most of the house work, all he has to do is clean the bathrooms weekly. After months, I finally cleaned one of the bathrooms it was so disgusting. The other one hasn't been cleaned in two and a half weeks. I do all the other housework, I cook, I plan the meals, I shop, I drive, I deal with the landlord and I mostly take care of the pets on my own. But he always has a criticism, yet won't lift a finger. - he believes I'm an alcoholic. Oh, in his words "hooked" on wine, but of course, I'm such an addict that I don't see it. I haven't had more than a few glasses of wine since the end of August. Yup, I must be addicted. - he breaks promises all the time. "I'll look at the dryer tomorrow." Really? It stopped working in July. After a while of cooling off and ME tinkering with it, it worked again. Today it stopped working again. "I'll look at it later or tomorrow"....REALLY? But you didn't the last time, why should I believe you now? He doesn't appreciate how much this messes up my own schedule since I'm the one who does all the damn laundry. It will be ME who has to drive to a laundromat if I want clean clothes, NOT him. - he's negative and complains constantly. It gets old, and I mostly ignore it now but gosh it affects me. - the lazy thing...he CLAIMS that once we get our property, that he will be HAPPY to do renovations and work around the house. I simply DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Why not now? Because we're renting? What if we have to rent for 3 or 4 more years? Will things NOT get done now but MAGICALLY they'll get done when I own my property? I don't think I have faith in him because of all the broken promises. - he makes me feel so alone, that I've resorted back to cutting to handle the anxiety. I hate myself and him for that. I usually say nothing, but today I told him that I felt like I needed to, would he please help me, he said "go ahead". - he is starting to remind me of my father - which is a terrible thing. - we rarely have sex anymore. Not because of me. Once every few weeks now. It used to be a few times a week, then once a week, we're moving towards once a month now. And honestly? I'm losing my sex appeal for him because he just doesn't try anymore. I feel terribly insecure about my body and I never did before I met him. - his sleep schedule. Okay, this isn't completely his fault, but he makes no effort to change it. He SAYS he wants to change it, but he doesn't. I wake up at around 9am. We spend maybe half an hour together. He "works" (passes the time on the internet, but we call it "work" to make him feel better) all day and then falls asleep around 4pm. Dinner time I'm alone (wow that sentence just made me burst into a frenzy of uncontrollable sadness and tears). I'm alone all evening. He wakes up and an hour or so later, I go to sleep ALONE. It's not like his work keeps him so occupied that he can't sleep. It's HIM. He doesn't TRY. I suggested so many things, he won't do them. It's the same with his digestion, I have suggested so many things, he won't do them. He seems to prefer to suffer then take it out on me. - no shows of affection. No little notes, no candles anymore...no romance. I feel like a roommate. *********************************** So why won't I end this? 1. I HAVE NO CLUE. 2. I do love him because he's shown a nice, caring side. But that's getting old for me too. I feel like he makes an effort to show he's so nice, so that he can get away with being lazy and making no effort in the relationship. I feel like he's just humouring me. 3. He buys me things to make up for not being there emotionally. I don't want materialistic crap, I want HIM. How's that for the negative outweighing the positive? So why can't I do it? What the hell am I afraid of? It used to be that I didn't want to be lonely, but I'm SO LONELY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. I used to be afraid to live alone with 3 dogs, but I can handle that. I have enough money to survive. I will actually be BETTER OFF not carrying him along. I just can't handle the finances right now alone. I'm just tired of: - the doubt I feel, that I'm staying with him for the wrong reasons and that he will render me homeless when I lose my income in 17 years, or that I will have to go back to work at age 68 to survive. I can't save a penny for my retirement at the moment because I'm supporting us. - feeling unloved, having to beg for his affection when I need it the most. I told him today that all I wanted him to do was make me feel loved. He insisted I tell him how to do that. I just gave up. - being alone while my boyfriend is in the same building as me. - doing most of the housework on my own. - not being able to trust him when he says he'll do something. I need and want so much to count on him. - his negativity. ************************************** Now what do I do? I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of to make this work. I've been understanding, patient, very VERY loving and generous. I've been there for him, I take care of him. I've done therapy to try to figure out how to deal with such a person. I've detached, tried to be more independent. I've talked to people, I've left him alone, I've talked to him...I can't handle it emotionally anymore. I feel like I'm dirt to him. I would LOVE for him to just pack up and leave, but he has no money and no friends to help him. I'm TRAPPED with him unless I leave but I can't afford to do that right now. But this is MY HOME. I built this place into something I feel comfortable in. I CAN move, but I don't want to again. I'm so tired of renting. I vowed two years ago that this would be my LAST rental and that the next place I lived would be MINE. Thanks to anyone who actually read all this. I hate myself at the moment. I hate him...I'm usually so damn positive. I hate this situation so much. Why won't he see how good I am, how loving and how caring? Why won't he give me the love I need from him, when all I do is make him feel loved and cared for? It's such a pain in my heart to admit all of this.