Just The Usual Hopeless Relationship Post... :(

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Frances M, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm just so torn...I know that no advice will help me, because I have to kind of hit rock bottom with him. I'm a strong woman. But he reduces me to humiliation. I feel so weak right now, like I deserve everything I get. This is NOT me. It's very rattling. :(

    If I decide to break up my relationship, it'll be over, no chance for reuniting at all. So I have to take this very seriously and decide if it's really what I want or not. I know that my boyfriend won't break up with me, he told me so. He said he'll never leave me. He's so confident that I'll never leave him that he says stupid, hurtful things, "knowing" that I'll eventually get over them.

    If he decided to leave, and really leave that is, I'd be very shocked. He's broken up with me often, but changes his mind when I agree. He has it way too good here and he knows it. I kind of wish he would.

    Here are my reasons:

    - he is emotionally abusive: when I try to talk about my feelings, he frustrates the hell out of me to the point where I am LITERALLY pulling my hair out (I did that today). He won't let me talk, he always cuts me off, changes the subject, picks on me, won't listen, swears, calls me names, degrades me, rejects me then ignores me, making me beg for his attention. If I don't swallow my pride and apologize for something I haven't done, he will continue the verbal game until I do. He refuses to accept my apologies, refuses to forgive, holds grudges and emotionally punishes me until HE'S ready. He threatens, orders me to leave the room or he'll ignore me. I feel so low when I'm ordered to leave. I don't feel like myself. I hate him.

    THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH

    - he's on social assistance and doesn't contribute more than 10% of the expenses. Thank gosh for my disability income.

    - he's selfish, lazy and narcissistic, half the time I simply agree with him to avoid a fight. I do most of the house work, all he has to do is clean the bathrooms weekly. After months, I finally cleaned one of the bathrooms it was so disgusting. The other one hasn't been cleaned in two and a half weeks. I do all the other housework, I cook, I plan the meals, I shop, I drive, I deal with the landlord and I mostly take care of the pets on my own. But he always has a criticism, yet won't lift a finger.

    - he believes I'm an alcoholic. Oh, in his words "hooked" on wine, but of course, I'm such an addict that I don't see it. I haven't had more than a few glasses of wine since the end of August. Yup, I must be addicted.

    - he breaks promises all the time. "I'll look at the dryer tomorrow." Really? It stopped working in July. After a while of cooling off and ME tinkering with it, it worked again. Today it stopped working again. "I'll look at it later or tomorrow"....REALLY? But you didn't the last time, why should I believe you now? He doesn't appreciate how much this messes up my own schedule since I'm the one who does all the damn laundry. It will be ME who has to drive to a laundromat if I want clean clothes, NOT him.

    - he's negative and complains constantly. It gets old, and I mostly ignore it now but gosh it affects me.

    - the lazy thing...he CLAIMS that once we get our property, that he will be HAPPY to do renovations and work around the house. I simply DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Why not now? Because we're renting? What if we have to rent for 3 or 4 more years? Will things NOT get done now but MAGICALLY they'll get done when I own my property? I don't think I have faith in him because of all the broken promises.

    - he makes me feel so alone, that I've resorted back to cutting to handle the anxiety. I hate myself and him for that. I usually say nothing, but today I told him that I felt like I needed to, would he please help me, he said "go ahead".

    - he is starting to remind me of my father - which is a terrible thing.

    - we rarely have sex anymore. Not because of me. Once every few weeks now. It used to be a few times a week, then once a week, we're moving towards once a month now. And honestly? I'm losing my sex appeal for him because he just doesn't try anymore. I feel terribly insecure about my body and I never did before I met him.

    - his sleep schedule. Okay, this isn't completely his fault, but he makes no effort to change it. He SAYS he wants to change it, but he doesn't. I wake up at around 9am. We spend maybe half an hour together. He "works" (passes the time on the internet, but we call it "work" to make him feel better) all day and then falls asleep around 4pm. Dinner time I'm alone (wow that sentence just made me burst into a frenzy of uncontrollable sadness and tears). I'm alone all evening. He wakes up and an hour or so later, I go to sleep ALONE. It's not like his work keeps him so occupied that he can't sleep. It's HIM. He doesn't TRY. I suggested so many things, he won't do them. It's the same with his digestion, I have suggested so many things, he won't do them. He seems to prefer to suffer then take it out on me.

    - no shows of affection. No little notes, no candles anymore...no romance. I feel like a roommate.

    ***********************************

    So why won't I end this?

    1. I HAVE NO CLUE.

    2. I do love him because he's shown a nice, caring side. But that's getting old for me too. I feel like he makes an effort to show he's so nice, so that he can get away with being lazy and making no effort in the relationship. I feel like he's just humouring me.

    3. He buys me things to make up for not being there emotionally. I don't want materialistic crap, I want HIM.

    How's that for the negative outweighing the positive? So why can't I do it? What the hell am I afraid of? It used to be that I didn't want to be lonely, but I'm SO LONELY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

    I used to be afraid to live alone with 3 dogs, but I can handle that. I have enough money to survive. I will actually be BETTER OFF not carrying him along. I just can't handle the finances right now alone.

    I'm just tired of:

    - the doubt I feel, that I'm staying with him for the wrong reasons and that he will render me homeless when I lose my income in 17 years, or that I will have to go back to work at age 68 to survive. I can't save a penny for my retirement at the moment because I'm supporting us.

    - feeling unloved, having to beg for his affection when I need it the most. I told him today that all I wanted him to do was make me feel loved. He insisted I tell him how to do that. I just gave up.

    - being alone while my boyfriend is in the same building as me.

    - doing most of the housework on my own.

    - not being able to trust him when he says he'll do something. I need and want so much to count on him.

    - his negativity.

    **************************************

    Now what do I do? I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of to make this work. I've been understanding, patient, very VERY loving and generous. I've been there for him, I take care of him. I've done therapy to try to figure out how to deal with such a person. I've detached, tried to be more independent. I've talked to people, I've left him alone, I've talked to him...I can't handle it emotionally anymore. I feel like I'm dirt to him.

    I would LOVE for him to just pack up and leave, but he has no money and no friends to help him. I'm TRAPPED with him unless I leave but I can't afford to do that right now. But this is MY HOME. I built this place into something I feel comfortable in. I CAN move, but I don't want to again. I'm so tired of renting. I vowed two years ago that this would be my LAST rental and that the next place I lived would be MINE.

    Thanks to anyone who actually read all this. I hate myself at the moment. I hate him...I'm usually so damn positive. I hate this situation so much. Why won't he see how good I am, how loving and how caring? Why won't he give me the love I need from him, when all I do is make him feel loved and cared for? It's such a pain in my heart to admit all of this. :(
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Can you talk this over with a domestic abuse worker?

    You may still be there because you have slowly gotten use to the situation.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2016
    Frances M likes this.
  3. Piexes

    Piexes Well-Known Member

    kick that leech out. I think he is using you because he feels he can get away with it. Why should you have to leave? He needs to learn to be self-sufficient. He isn't growing from this situation, and he is hurting you, KNOWINGLY.

    HE is not trying to make this work. HE has CHOSEN to not try. This relationship should not be 90% your responsibility while he kicks back and treats you like an abused servant, while you actively work to manage your own health as well as his, while you make him dinner every night. GODDDDD!
     
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I wish that you two were here right now to help me. You know, I chose a hermit life because of my social anxiety but fark...I really feel so alone and trapped at the moment. I think I have slowly gotten used to this and I'm embarrassed. @lillium I'm so ashamed to admit this, he TOLD me he gave up on me last January and I refused to give up on him. I'm ashamed because I see how pathetic it is. I feel like I'm either the maid or his mother half the time. I just want this all over with. @Rockclimbinggirl I live in Quebec, it's all damn french here...that's part of my problem, I'm not completely bilingual and I want out of this province too. I can't see a therapist or anyone here in my chosen language unless I travel all the way to Montreal, it's a 3 hour drive each way. I have no energy left to do anything. What happened to me? I was doing so well...
     
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about crisis centres for abuse victims. What about calling an abuse hotline to talk about your situation?
     
    Piexes likes this.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'll have to look up to see if those hotlines exist because I have no clue.
     
  7. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Hi Frances,

    You can do better. You need to kick him out asap.

    You are showing signs of depression, I think you should see a doctor and tell him/her all this. He might help for both the depressing state and the gridlock in your life.

    I live in Quebec too, there is a lot of home for women in troubles. They could advice you. Communication might be a little problematic but please try.

    Here is a link with the homes, there is also a phone number to a help line.

    http://maisons-femmes.qc.ca/region/general/

    Good luck!
     
    Piexes likes this.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Wow, sorry you are going through this stuff. Look up definition of mental abuse and cover up your name and reread what you wrote reading from a strangers perspective.

    Have you tried to get counseling for yourself or a friend to vent to? Perhaps try to make a list of goals to accomplish self-independence from him

    If you still want to be with him, maybe give him a list of things to do and cut off the internet and the cable tv and see how fast he gets those things done (wink) wishful thinking.
     
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Frances, I just found this post now. I'm so sorry you're being treated like this, your BF doesn't know or appreciate what he has in you. I wish I knew what to say that would help you, but it's something only you can decide. Just know that I and many others on this site care about you very much.
    Hugs my friend
    Brian
     
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  10. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I too just saw this post. I'm so sorry I didn't see it earlier, and I am really hurt that your spirit is being broken like this. You were doing better, and you ARE better than this.
    He really is getting away with murder basically. But I know there are lots of emotional and other considerations that may make it not a black and white 'rational' decision to make.

    Please don't let him steal our bright star, Frances. I'm really alarmed at the reverting to cutting as well. I'm so saddened :(
     
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    All the things you describe about him sound like symptoms of depression in my opinion which may explain a drastic change in his personality.
    Lack of motivation, bad sleeping pattern or too much/too little sleep; becoming introvert and wanting to be alone; finding it hard to make decisions; reduced libido; constant negative thoughts.

    The fact he is being abusive is unacceptable in a relationship. There are boundaries you should not cross and when he said "go ahead" when you were in dire straits is probably your answer to the question of if you should leave him. You shouldn't have to put up with him projecting such negativity and lack of consideration when you yourself struggle from serious issues.
    Sometimes we must look after ourselves before others or they may drag us down with them. Barry is right, only you can make this decision but whichever way you pick we will be here for you.
     
    Piexes likes this.
  12. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    I'm so sorry to hear that.

    I really think the best thing was for you to think about yourself. Break up and kick him out if possible.
    You deserve so much more and much better than this.

    I'm sorry to hear you started to cut again, since you really don't deserve to feel like you have to and such.

    And please don't hate yourself, you are such a wonderful and helpful person.

    I understand there's many years and good times in your relationship too. But you really deserve better. And I also get that it's difficult with finances etc now too. Sadly I can't give any advice on that part.

    But if you really can't "let go", maybe try and suggest couples counseling or therapy?

    And I'm sorry if I'm not that good at advice, but you really do deserve better. And it does seem like the best thing for you, is to be strong and be yourself and leave him. He doesn't deserve you, at all.

    And I hope it gets better for you at least. :)
     
  13. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    Frances,

    HUGS. For your own safety it may be time to try to get something like a restraining order put on him -- in order to force him to move out and keep him from coming back. I am no legal expert but I'm hoping there is a measure that applies to your situation. You don't need someone in your house that literally encourages your self-harm. If you need time to figure things out away from him, there might be a 'safe house' in your area. Please take care of yourself.
     
    Piexes and Dikta like this.
  14. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi, Frances,

    I didn't see your post earlier. It's absolutely heart-breaking. You've formed a trauma bond with this man; that's why it's so hard to break.

    He doesn't love you. This is not love.

    That fact that THIS man doesn't love you does not, however, prove you are not worthy of love. You absolutely are.

    Here is a list I've found of services for abused women in Quebec. I'm sure there are other places, too, but as you will see, many of the ones on this list offer help in English. One place has a 1-800 number: http://amiquebec.org/women/.

    On the positive side, you have become so self-sufficient, you WILL survive once you're on your own. You will do better, actually, financially and emotionally.

    Keep trying to see this situation clearly. Your impulse will be to deny what you've written above. You may read it now and feel nothing, as though it happened to someone else. You may feel you were exaggerating. But you weren't. What you wrote is real. If you feel nothing, take that numbed response as proof that you're dissociating the emotional content because it's so painful. You've been traumatized. Everything is not okay.

    Please seek help. You deserve a good life. You deserve safety from exploitation and abuse. You deserve the love of at least one good person. You deserve--and can create--and a more secure future.

    JCQ
     
    BarryW likes this.
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Frances...

    just giving my support to you as you go through this. It's not easy to make changes but they are necessary. He is abusive, end of story. You deserve better. I promise you do.

    I've used rainn previously... if you google that you'll bring up their website, a phone number and online chat. The online chat I've used as I find it extremely difficult to vocalize about certain things. I know it's for the US but I don't think they'd send you away. The website used to explain how to delete your computer history etc., should you need to do that.

    Please take care of you, you are important and are deserving of peace.