Just Thinking Aloud

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Andy76, Dec 2, 2013.

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  1. Andy76

    Andy76 New Member


    It's an odd feeling, my 'existence', like being in a theme park and seeing everyone else enjoying the rides, but somehow being unable to join in with them, even though I would dearly love to. I think i've always felt like this but i'm not sure I can put my finger on why. My recent experiences have given me a heightened sense of inadequacy mind you, and I've started to self harm for the first time in my life (i'm 37).

    I can see so much beauty in the world that it brings tears to my eyes as I type. Music, laughter, love, they are all such amazing things but I can't help feeling that I just wasn't made for this life. I know there is something wrong with the way I think and the way I interact with people. The problem is internal. I don't think the world is a bad completely place filled with evil and misery. I just don't feel like I 'fit'. My life feels futile. My experience feels futile.

    The only thing that stops me from ending it is fear that it's the 'wrong' thing to do, a sin if you will, even though I am not religious in any way. I know nobody would really miss me. Yes, a few people may shed a couple of tears but there is nobody out there that actually depends on me. After a few months i would just be a faded memory.

    Anyways, thank you for allowing me this rant. Perhaps i'll feel better for it. It's funny how you get to a point where talking really makes no difference anymore. It's almost like I just have to allow my thoughts to evolve and see where they take me.

    I wish every single one of you nothing but love.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression does that to us hun make us feel we do not belong anywhere and that we are insignificant You are important you presents in this world matters I am glad you are printing out your thoughts here so others can support you. I do hope you do not continue to self harm it will only take you down a path of more harm then compassion for you

    Keep talking to us ok hugs to you
  3. Andy76

    Andy76 New Member

    Thank you for you kind words.

    Of course, they don't really make a difference. People can give me as much encouragement as they can muster but, ultimately, I simply do not believe it. I know we are all in the same boat.

    The importance of my presence in the world now seems to be a solely philosophical matter. Is there something fundamentally wrong with taking one's own life? I don't know. I feel like i'm trying to convince myself that there are no consequences to suicide, that there is no hidden meaning. I must just take it day by day I suppose.

  4. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hey, total eclipse is right. Depression does that to you. You are more important to people around you more than you think. People tend to underestimate their own existence when depressed.

    I'm not sure about that. You see, no one depend on me too, and I do think they will forget me if I "give up" soon after I do it, but you see, on my first attempt, it was different. They needed me more than what I give myself credit for. You can be a pillar of hope to someone even if you don't do anything. And if that pillar of hope is gone, they will fall. You are special in someone's heart and you are more important than you think you are, that for sure.
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