just thinking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wheresmysheep, Jan 15, 2009.

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  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i've been think nearly all night. and this idea has been bouncing around my head for a while

    i am all for 'recovering' and getting better.

    but i truely believe i will never be better.

    i can never escape what has already been done to me. i will live with those moments for the rest of my life. there is no way of solving it.

    i have been punished enough by my, all be it , short, life. i dont want another 60ish years of this. i dont want another minute of this.

    how are you supposed to get over abuse, rape, being left to fend for yourself the majority of your life?

    i've really genuinely had enough.

    no "stay strong" i've always been strong.

    no more.

    i dont want it any more.
  2. KennethJones

    KennethJones Member

    Life is supposed to be hard, its supposed to hurt. Thats the natural order of things. You have to live to fight another day because death does not always ensure you will be pain free.
  3. KennethJones

    KennethJones Member

    When you die before your time, you may be left with your "subtle body". Your subtle body is a spirit body that has physical desires that are only satisfied by the physical body. Many people who kill themselves will have this subtle body still attached to them. The end result is a soul that roams the physical plane with human desires but those human desires can't be met because there is no physical body. That is the ultimate torture.

    There are many souls in the spirit world trying to work out their problems that originated from their lives on earth.

    Also you may be forced to see the affects your suicide has on loved ones you leave behind on earth. I heard a story of a young man who killed himself in his family's back yard. His soul remained in the back yard and he was forced to watch his family discover his body. I guess this story was obtained by a man/woman who could talk to souls who had passed on.

    Do not think death means the end of your awareness. You will die only to find out that you are very much alive with the same problems. Its better to work out your problems on the physical plane before you cross over into the next dimension.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Wheresmysheep,
    It is possible to put it behind you. I was molested by a guy in my neighberhood and felt dirty because of this. I was only twelve. By the time I was thirteen I tried to commit suicide. I chikened out because I just couldn't go thru with it. I damn near succeeded wether I wanted to or not.
    After a few years I locked it away in the back of my mind and continued on with my life. I hadn't thought about it all these years until a couple months ago when I was talking to someone here on the forum and it resurfaced and I told them about it.I am so old and feeble now that I don't care one way or another because I had made peice with it years ago when I locked it away in the back of my mind. I don't beleive there is away to get rid of it for good, you just need to decide if you are going to let it keep beating you down or are you going to continue on with your life and enjoy all the positive things to come.
    The only one who can do it is yourself. You have to come up with a way to put it to rest. You know the son of a bitch had his way with all the boys in the neighberhood and we took him to court and all the judge did was tell him he had to move. That was it no jail time. Anyhow I hope you will one day be able to continue on with your life and be trouble free from it. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  5. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    i wish i had some advice for you, hun, but i dont.

    i hear you though. many of my problems are of a more permanent variety, and only stand to degrade with time. i know, as fact, that these things will never get better.

    i dont understand what allows some people to simply get over these things and move on, or why people like us seem to collapse beneath the weight. i often wonder how many years of isolationist missery ill have to endure before i come to terms with the things im incapable of changing, but this serves to remind me that there will never be a time when i wont be fighting against them.

    theyre ever present, and the only healthy option is to simply grow around them, like a tree around a severed axe head too deep for removal. but i, the glowing beacon that i am, opt to stagnate in still pools of self pity and loathing. terrified to move, perchance that someone may notice the ripples ive created, and follow them back to their epicenter.

    ever lusting for a more perfect place to hide.

    it almost beautiful how the subjectively transparant memory works; how only our bad experiences seem to stick as they pass through our consciousness, allowing the rest to slip by unobstructed. it allows us to relive them in a manner so perfect, its hard to imagine how something so complex could be so inherently flawed. the execution is impeccable, but the programming is wrong.

    maybe im assuming a bit too much on your end, and making absolutely no sense. in any case, its scary to think that what will be may only be a patchwork collage of of what was. parts never forming a whole, a million strong, and ever growing.

    as much as i know that we're not simply the sum of our experiences, i just cant seem to accept it. the hope that is, one day, a flip will switch and itll all become instantly clear. it may not be today's tomorrow, but it will be someday's tomorrow.

    until then, emma, youre more than welcome to come hide with me, or failing that, talk my ear raw. whether or not things get any better is anyones guess, but i know that coping with it can only stand to get easier from the bottom. i hope i didnt come off as too depressing, but i fail at cheerful optimism :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2009
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    thank you.
    i dont share your same optimism of 'growing arond my axe'.
    but everything you said rings true.
    i understand it all.
    thank you you keyboard dyslexic. :smile: i was crying and this made my laugh through the tears. i know it wasn't intentional but still.

    and if i ever find myself in your neck of the woods. prepare your consoles and fridge and drinking press.

    sequlision in golden. more so in a place no one knows you.
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    death does not scare me. i am ready for it. i am just here becuase i care for a few selct people who i want to be here for.
    but if the moment were to come and i had my means set out, i would be happy.
    the afterlife does not influence me either. as i am not religious nor spiritual. so i find those theories nothing but scare mungering.

    they fall off my back like water to a ducks.

    but ty for your input.
  8. Victori@

    Victori@ Well-Known Member

    Emma... I think a really really really big change would be good for you... Get out of there and move to Canada~~ ohhh yeah!!! Big change Big change... When nothing else works you gotta change the big things... the things that you think are impossible...

    i love you
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    heh thank you hun. if i had the balls to and i wasnt so scared i probably would move :hug: thank you
  10. Panos

    Panos Well-Known Member


    you've been working hard all day...
    life is unfair
    But this kitty loves you..
    And that's all you need to know!

    you don't know me well,
    neither do i..

    but from the few times i met you in chat,
    you showed me that you got the guts
    to make happiness out of nothing.
    Even when i watch your thread: "Do you need to pee? and the last reply was from you "No i dont " you make me smile inside.
    Maybe a little bit,
    but you give me a sign that feelings more than sadness and failure are still alive in me.

    The incidents that marked our lives will never vanish or wash away from our memories and that's a fact.
    Even a small everyday detail, is able to recall the whole incident, that marked our soul, in front of us.
    I think the best way to fend yourself from the negative reaction of such things, is to deal with it and accept it.

    I mean there's no way you can reverse time and do something about it.
    But there are many ways to do something for being better from now on.

    You know your weakness point now and hiding it or burying it more inside you just makes you run away from it.
    Dealing with it does not mean necessarily facing it.

    Man is haunted by his fears.
    Its in his nature.
    By running away from them makes them a legend.
    And legends tend to exist a large amount of time.
    Solving that myth, you actually see its logical face
    which will eventually make you deal with it with simple and logical means.

    And something else. there is no such thing like happy ppl. Not even 1 man in this earth is happy 24/7 . Sometimes you get sad, sometimes you don't, sometimes you're happy for something.
    The color range maybe be based on two colors, black and white, but they do make a large variety of colors when combined with many ways.

    Ps. i <3 your sense of humor.

  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :eek:hmy: Emma :sad:

    Don't go, I'd miss you so much :(

    You've been very strong in the past couple of months, please keep holding on :hug:

    I'm here if you need to talk x
  12. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    a flip will switch

    hahaha, its sad that even now, i still read it and process it as right. ah well, happy i could get a giggle out of you:pcwhack:.

    backwards brain for the win
  13. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    thanks all, i know i posted this in the suicide sub section but i'm not literally about to, just the urge is getting very strong atm and i do have a mean etc, but i'm not going anywhere just yet.

    for those that do talk to me and see me in chat you'll realise i dont really come in and say "oh my life is so terrible; x, y and z are happening to me right now...."

    i just say "meh" and avoid all that kinda talk, tho i'll welcome anyone needing a vent. i can handle pretty much anything it seems :laugh:
    so posting in the forum is a good outlet for me, and easier for me to talk about whats going on. and i know i dont make too many own posts, nor do i go into much detail about all that has gone on with me, i still need to get things out once in a while.

    thank you for all your posts.
    Panos: ty for apriciating me and my humour. its just the way i am. i need to laugh to stop from braking down mentally. happened once. starting to happen again, so trying to stop it. but at the end of it all, its just me. and i think the "do you need to pee?" thread sums me and my humour to a T.

    Lynn: huni ty i know your here, i just dont like unloading onto anyone. i'm sure you know that. and i'm not rejecting your offer by any means. its just easier not to talk for the majority of the time. :wub: you hun :hug: (still want you to come to a meet :mad:

    and alan: your stupid :tongue: but i like you :rofl:
  14. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i dont want to die right now, i want to be here to see other peoples lives unfold.
    but i dont want to continue living this hell that i'm in. come on the fuck what fuckin hope do i have.
    the doctors here are shit.
    they dont know what to do with me.i dont want to do anything.

    i dont want this any more.

    just take it awya. leave me as a shell please. i want to be here for the few a love and the cuddles. but everything helse can go, it hurts too much i want to scream my head uis sore from the presure of keeping in the scream.

    but hey why am i even posting this no one cares for sheep. you all pver look my post anyway.

    i want to go
  15. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    but obviously i am not worhty of words from any but it is fine for me to be here and support most of you.

  16. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    I'm here for ya, Emma :hug: :)
  17. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    yes you are sheep xx sorry not to have replied i got lost on the board... and im not sure what to say. but i wish you good things x
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