just thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JBird, Aug 21, 2008.

  1. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    Going back to my foster parents tomorrow, kinda good. Its pretty clear that the only place i'll ever be able to call home is there seeing as me and dad have clearly failed at trying to be a family, i only pray that he'll treat Theo right and they can be a family with me on the sidelines. Mums all over the place at the moment, she's moving from place to place, somehow still managing to keep the nail bar open. She clearly wasn't made to be a mother, kinda feel sorry for Linnie, i guess she's had it worse coz she's had mum in her life the whole time.

    But yer, i'm going home tomorrow. I'm happy to go back because i've missed everyone and my lifes kinda gone off the tracks since i left. I'm scared to go back, for those that don't know, my foster brother Tristan was in a really bad motorbike accident :/ he got hit on a roundabout by a 4x4 who wasn't looking properly!!!! He sustained pretty serious head injuries, broken leg and chest trauma. Well, he got out of hospital the other day, he's having my foster parents bedroom downstairs because he can't walk much at all and last time i saw him he was a complete mess :sad: I love Tristan to bits, he was one of the most confident people i knew, a real ladies man and really fit. Hes always been around for me, he always came out with me and we worked on our sports together. He always forced me to go on the youth trips so i could make friends and have the same experiences as he did. He can't do that anymore. Its harder knowing i have a trip with the youth club coming up because it'll be the only one i've been to without him, i'll more than likely have no credit for my phone so i will actually have to do it by myself. What if everything is going to change for long term? what if my foster parents decide that they can't cope with all of us now after Tristans accident? What if they have to make a choice between keeping Tristan or us? I don't know how it works and no one will tell me because apparently i'm too young to understand and i'll just panic. Why do parents say that? saying that just makes me even more panicky! Atleast if they tell me then i'll know what might be to come, instead i'm doing what i am now and completely going over the top worrying.

    Went to the shops today...i've been doing good going to the shops on my own. I don't like going to the shops on my own because all the 'chavs' are there. Now i wouldn't say i was cool or popular or anything but i know most the people on the estate and when i'm out you can garuntee i'm round the most popular person on the estates house. I'm always round their house, i thought maybe that'd give all the sarcy comments from the groups hanging around the shops a knock on the head but they haven't. The last couple of days i've been going to the shops earlier so i don't bump into them but today i didn't get there til about 7pm, all of them were there and they started calling me stuff and throwing their rubbish at me :sad: the embarrasing thing is that they were little kids, if it was one little kid on his own i would completely kick the living shit out of him but he wasn't alone, there was a massive group of people from the age of 12 through to 24 so i couldn't do anything. The people you think are your friends on the estate just join in with the taunting as you try to walk by as quickly as possible with your hood up, trying to hide yourself. They are horrible, i'm trying to build my confidence up, after over a year of illness i'm stupidly underwieght and nowhere near as fit as i used to be, it kills me every morning knowing that i my half hour jogs 3 times a day would put me in bed exhausted for 2 days, it kills me to think that when i finally do get back to school i'm gonna be going in a car instead of enjoying the hour-2 hour trek on my bike. Very soon, i'm gonna end up getting in trouble because the next time they say something someone will actually die, whether its one of them from me beating the shit out of them or whether its me from the group flying on me for retaliating. Or i could just pick one of them off at a time, when they aren't with the group, all alone i could just slide up and kick the daylights out of them, i want to do it so much and if i cross them alone i actually will. i don't care, i want to take everything away from them, everything that made them feel so proud to be a bully, i'm gonna turn them into the bullied.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2008
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Just wanted to give ya a big hugs, Beaks :) :hug: :hug:
  3. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: beaks you know where I'm at if u want to talk.
  4. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    thanks guys. i can feel myself getting worse :/ starting to feel very alone and bit suicidle :/ everything very fuzzy and going in slow motion.
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Beaks :sad: you know im here if you wanna talk :hug: