Just tired of being a failure./

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RNsteve, Feb 20, 2013.

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  1. RNsteve

    RNsteve New Member

    So i'm 26 year old, my first year registered Nurse. I just started working in July, hired as a full time float. I have been positioned in the long term care home until the last 6 weeks, when I finally got moved to an acute care floor.

    I'm just failing horribly at my orientation on the unit, and in a few days i'll find out if that will be extended or if i'll just be sent back to the nursing home for work. I don't mind LTC, I work great with the elderly patients, received praise from the family of them-but theres just not much of a future for a RN so its just not helping me in the future.

    I feel like a failure. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure, a lie. I just find myself wishing that something would just take my life in a way that I wouldn't hurt my family. To be honest I just feel ashmaed at what people would think or remember of me if I took my life. So...i'm just find myself wanting to be a accident.

    Its a small town- I have friends..but not really. just when your in such an environment where between shift work and lack of options I have social ins. Facebook in this new edge allowed me to keep in contact with people, some friends from university but...just never close friends. Never been a popular guy, more so a loser but I made up a lie for myself. I'm tall, broad, force myself to be in decent shape- hell i've done alright with women. That has always filled me with this superficial ego, but I take my inability to have a girlfriend after 2-3 years of various dating as just that my little show has a pretty short term goal. So its just a revolving door of me being charming enough to have someone interested- through facebook/txts but never anything real. I have gym, work, and has been just starting to drink more for the lack of nothing in my life.

    This all sounds so pity and superficial but I just am not happy. I just keep trying to build a lie, fake till I make but I never make it. I had a councilor through nursing school, am on effexor and have pushed to have the dose increased up to 100mg over the years.(well...3 years)

    Parents have divorced over the summer- not a shock. Moms on a power trip with this self empowerment bs ever since she started being heavily involved in mary kay. Shes strong but all she ever has to say to me about my problems is the self empowerment bs. Dad....he means well, but he just over worries about everything and is really suffering after the separation.

    My brother and sister are busy living their lives....I just can't talk to them. I just want a convenient accident sorry to ramble.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You hun are a RN and everyone choses their field of interest hun I myself could not work with the elderly i found it to sad really and others find they love working with pallative care patients some with mental ill hun YOUR chose what field you work in that is what is so special with being a RN you get to chose what field you are best in. You are still very new hun so you cannot learn everything overnight. It takes years to be comfortable to be forward and take charge hun. Here a new RN works with a nurse that has been in field for years so they are buddied up with someone that can show them the skills they need to survive hun. Do not be so hard on yourself you graduated you deserves so much praise for that.

    Work where it brings you joy hun that is what you got into nursing for to help others so help them in a field you are comfortable at hugs
  3. RNsteve

    RNsteve New Member

    It would destroy my dad if something happened to me-honestly I just know deep down inside that i'm not happy and if he wasit a factor I would hurt myself. My mom, sister & brother could deal with it.
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