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Just tired

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I am new to this and it took me a while to actually convince myself that I needed to talk to someone. I think the biggest problem is that my life itself is a good one. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am 30, I am a PhD student, I work parttime as a teacher, I live at home (sharing a floor with my two younger sisters ( we have our own bath, kitchen living room)), I do have friends and loved ones, no boyfriend, a cat, I do have hobbies, I meet people... I am just so damn tired of everything. Lately I have been thinking a lot about suicide, I am not sure if I would ever do it, but it worries me that this is a reoccuring thought. I imagine myself picking up a gun, filling my mouth with water and pulling the trigger, or going a way for a weekend trip with a bottle Tequila and pills.
I also feel as if I have been playing a certain role all my life and this isn't me. It is some stranger that I created in order to survive.
Everyone expects me to be the little sunshine (because as a fat person that is the persona I developed, over the decades, Í am always smiling and I make other people happy. I am a listener.). I don't want to be. I want to be depressed. I want people to know that I am depressed and I do not want them to fix it or me. I do not want any platitudes. I don't want to hear that this is normal. I just want to stare at the ceiling for hours without having to feel guilty about it. Or anything for that matter.
So I guess I just need someone to talk to who does not know me, who will probably never meet me so that I can practice being myself. Does that make sense?
yeah, please be yourself! welcome to the forums

what is it that has made you feel so bad in the first place?

oh, insomnia?
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