Hi,
I am new to this and it took me a while to actually convince myself that I needed to talk to someone. I think the biggest problem is that my life itself is a good one. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am 30, I am a PhD student, I work parttime as a teacher, I live at home (sharing a floor with my two younger sisters ( we have our own bath, kitchen living room)), I do have friends and loved ones, no boyfriend, a cat, I do have hobbies, I meet people... I am just so damn tired of everything. Lately I have been thinking a lot about suicide, I am not sure if I would ever do it, but it worries me that this is a reoccuring thought. I imagine myself picking up a gun, filling my mouth with water and pulling the trigger, or going a way for a weekend trip with a bottle Tequila and pills.
I also feel as if I have been playing a certain role all my life and this isn't me. It is some stranger that I created in order to survive.
Everyone expects me to be the little sunshine (because as a fat person that is the persona I developed, over the decades, Í am always smiling and I make other people happy. I am a listener.). I don't want to be. I want to be depressed. I want people to know that I am depressed and I do not want them to fix it or me. I do not want any platitudes. I don't want to hear that this is normal. I just want to stare at the ceiling for hours without having to feel guilty about it. Or anything for that matter.
So I guess I just need someone to talk to who does not know me, who will probably never meet me so that I can practice being myself. Does that make sense?
I am new to this and it took me a while to actually convince myself that I needed to talk to someone. I think the biggest problem is that my life itself is a good one. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am 30, I am a PhD student, I work parttime as a teacher, I live at home (sharing a floor with my two younger sisters ( we have our own bath, kitchen living room)), I do have friends and loved ones, no boyfriend, a cat, I do have hobbies, I meet people... I am just so damn tired of everything. Lately I have been thinking a lot about suicide, I am not sure if I would ever do it, but it worries me that this is a reoccuring thought. I imagine myself picking up a gun, filling my mouth with water and pulling the trigger, or going a way for a weekend trip with a bottle Tequila and pills.
I also feel as if I have been playing a certain role all my life and this isn't me. It is some stranger that I created in order to survive.
Everyone expects me to be the little sunshine (because as a fat person that is the persona I developed, over the decades, Í am always smiling and I make other people happy. I am a listener.). I don't want to be. I want to be depressed. I want people to know that I am depressed and I do not want them to fix it or me. I do not want any platitudes. I don't want to hear that this is normal. I just want to stare at the ceiling for hours without having to feel guilty about it. Or anything for that matter.
So I guess I just need someone to talk to who does not know me, who will probably never meet me so that I can practice being myself. Does that make sense?
