Just to destroy

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by scarlettdrknss, May 3, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i'm not sure if this thread belongs here... but since it's also about SH i thought i'd put it here...

    anyway, point is that i sometimes hurt myself just because i want to 'destroy' my body. seeing my skin unscarred just makes me want to cut it all up. i don't know why. it's not just with cutting though. i often get the sudden impulse to break something, destroy it. and the more that thing means something to me, the better feeling i get. it's not just about destroying my body or breaking my things. sometimes i choose to do things that will make me feel bad and make the depression worse, even though i would never do those things normally. for example, i hate arguing/ yelling at people and lying and i do those just so i won't get close to them and later on i feel alone and distanced even though i know i could so easily grow close with those people.

    i'm not really conscious about how strong i am, i often break things on accident if i'm not careful and even though it makes me feel good, i get in trouble and then i feel bad.
    and i have also always been proud of my cuts and scars. even as a small kid. i was ashamed to brag about them ( even though i wanted to ) because i didn't hear anyone else bragging about their wounds. but i hated to wear band-aids and would grin anytime someone mentioned it.

    best thing to break: a glass. i love the shattering sound of it ( i like hearing stuff break or explosions). then it bursts to millions of pieces and you can use those pieces to cut.

    if there maybe something 'wrong' with me that makes me want to destroy? i thought it was the depression at first, but then i remembered liking my cuts and scars as a kid...
     
  2. kookykrazzy

    kookykrazzy Member

    wow, i feel the same way. i thought i was the only one who felt that way. its nice to know im not the only one.
     
  3. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    really? cool. i mean, not cool but... you know what i mean. at least someone understood what i mean ^^
     
  4. kookykrazzy

    kookykrazzy Member

    ya, i was shocked when i read that, it was like i wrote it.
     
  5. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i also usually don't need to eat much but i liked to 'starve' myself, so not eat until i get stomachaches and everything cuz of hunger and then i ate so much that i almost threw it all up again, i wanted to but my parents would've noticed so i couldn't. now i feel like throwing up whatever and whenever i eat...
    do you act clumsy? like 'accidently' trip to get hurt? i haven't done it often, but i think about it a lot. i'm usually very careful but once i decided to screw being careful and slipped on ice, landing flat on my back. all i could do was laugh.
     
  6. kookykrazzy

    kookykrazzy Member

    yes, i have done that before. i acted like i didnt see that step and fell down a small flight of stairs. i sprained my arm and ankle, plus i was all bruised and scratched up. it was awesome.
     
  7. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i hate to say it, but that does sound awesome...

    the things i destroy most are pencils. i once (actually kinda accidently) broke one in school and it snapped very loudly. the teacher looked at me wide eyed and took a step back with his hands raised, saying "it's getting dangerous here" (in an ironic way, but that didn't change the fact that it felt wonderful) my friends wouldn't let me here the end of it afterward though.
     
  8. MrsStavrogin

    MrsStavrogin Active Member

    I've done those things too... I deliberately play with my weight (too chubby-too skinny), I deliberately drop a cigarette on my arm and say it was an accident, and so on... I also love it when I'm sick. I'm always kind of disappointed when everyone around me has a flu or something and I don't. My wrists are all cut up and I can't cut anymore because people check-up on me regularly, and will send me to a mental hospital if they see that I cut again, or put out cigarettes on my skin.

    It's like everything normal people dislike because it's painful or harmful I intentionally seek. My psychiatrists says it's because I intrinsically don't love myself., but I'm not so sure. I generally think I'm ok. Not always, but on the whole... yes. But when I think about it, I always feel as if I DO have to be something else if I want to be around people. Let's be honest - no one wants a friend who might pick up a knife at a restaurant, cut her arm with it like a butcher and watch the blood flow to the tablecloth in exhilaration.:D
     
  9. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    oh yeah, i know what you mean. i love getting sick and pushing myself to the limit. a while ago i had worked so hard and i felt so bad, i was actually shaking all over and crying. it was the beginning of a flu or something but i usually have total control over my body and very rarely cry. luckily no one was home but i was on the verge of telling everything i felt (something i never do) and whining and pleading (also something i don't do) but i fell asleep before anyone came home. once again luck.

    i miss cutting. i used to cut regularly a year ago, at least every other day either one deeper cut that bled or LOTS of shallow ones but they check on me now as well. every time my wrists are exposed, they stare and every time i put a bracelet on, my mother freaks out thinking i cut again.
    i can't not hurt myself though, so once in a while, i 'scratch' myself now at places where it doesn't seem like i was the one and i bite myself out of frustration. sometimes this also scars but mostly it's just red and disappears within a day. i bump into things or don't move if i know something's going to hurt me. sometimes i bruise myself. and since i'm sensitive to heat i always turn the water on hot when i take a shower, so my skin is all red afterwards. but one thing i often do is kinda choke myself before going to sleep. i've always had sleeping problems, even as a toddler, so when i get too desperate to sleep, i choke myself and when i let go i get all dizzy and my mind seems to slow down and i fall asleep easier.

    i've had bad experience with my psychiatrist. i felt awful when i talked to him, probably cuz i lied though so i didn't really even give him a chance to help me. but my parents are sending me back there when they had found out i bit myself. i'm thinking of actually being honest this time. I also think I'm okay. I tell myself, I'm fine, that nothing's wrong with me, that I'm just making up all those problems, and sometimes i really hurt myself when i feel good, just cuz it makes me feel better. when i try to look at myself from someone else's view and i think about all the things i do, or i read about how other people think about it or describe it, i know i'm something they consider unnormal and somehting to stay away from.

    you're completely right, we DO have to act differently when we're around people. people get nervous when someone is talking about something they don't understand. they can't see things the way we do. though i feel drawn to people who think similar to me. it's actually hard for me to be friends with someone who's completely... i don't even know how to name it. i mean, all my friends are always cheerful and lively in general. they get moments though where they break down and confess everything and you know they've seen something similar you have. you can also see it in their reactions normally. my friends always look deep into my eyes and pause for a milisecond when they mention cutting or suicide. (i never wanted to tell them but it was necessary for their good). we've talked a lot about depression and suicide in school this year. and really the only thing the students could say to the situation was "Those people ARE NOT normal,"
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.