just today

I thought well what would a couple of screwdriver's hurt. OMG I am numb all over, I can barely walk, and everyone just ran off and left me, assholes!!!!!!! Now seriously, I've been debating on telling my doctor whether I want that prescription for that sleeping pill next week, cause if he gives it to me, I might be tempted to take it all, and why do I think this is all so funny right now, cause booze does the body good.. my head is spinnning/ wow after three sissy screwdriver's.. what is wrong with me...... i can laugh at my own misery right now. someone please tell me how to conquer feeling so drunk, cause I can't stand it. Woooooooooooooo weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

 

I laugh but then i want to just start crying... i might.. go take a nap in the shower, so if i fall asleep and drown, so what, i am just following my dad's footsteps so aren't I?

 

Sorry, if I could erase this post, I promise I would.. Night everyone, I had a good day but it's not so good now that I am all by myself. I am thinking the thoughts one never wants to think.. Let's let it end right here, right now.. I had one crazy day but then all I can do is get sad. WTF really. I think it's time to go take a cold shower.

 

what did you do with the screwdriver? Do you hurt yopurself because you want the physical pain to go away?

 

Hey there Brede! My man!

No mate she means a Screwdriver drink - vodka and orange!

VERY sneaky drink actually - tastes harmless but its ruthless!

I hope cutiepie has taken a nap - and alcohol does make you feel down - especially if you've had a party and everyone leaves!

In fact - you can feel lonely as hell boozed up and on your own in some club.

I think cutie pie will be OK after a few hours sleep.

We forgive/accept - don't care if people feel down and say things they might be embarrassed about.

I have no shame.

Feeling suicidal - it happens - and there's no nothing to apologise for.

Just don't actually do it!

Regards.

 

I had the thoughts before I got drunk. But, all I want is all this physical crap to go away, I'm not suffering emotionally, that is why it's so damn hard. I have the two greatest kids in the world, and I would never want to leave either one of them behind, but always have to endur fatigue and pain, sometimes you just get so tired, you just don't think you can take it anymore.

SOMETIMES, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND ME JUST THE WAY I FKN AM? SOMETIMES, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO FKN GIVE ME A DAMN HUG, AND SAY HEY, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY, I PROMISE I WILL BE HERE TO HELP YOU REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU DECIDE, AND I WILL UNDERSTAND NO MATTER WHAT DECISION IT IS THAT YOU MAKE.

omg, my daughter is so mad at me right now because she wants something to eat, and i am too drunk to drive, yet to make her happy, i said I would anyways, because yes, I love her enough to sacrifice the consiquenses. But she won't stop. Just wants to be angry at me when I am trying with her. I just bought her dinner at a restaurant hours ago and there is so much food in there, it would make a dog sick, but I am a dog for being a little tippsy right now I guess. Damn ME!!!!!!!

You think I sound bad, I am not as bad as I sound. Been laughing my ass off, and am crying alone right now. No one knows that but meeeeeeeeeeeee. She has no idea the horrific thoughts raging through my mind. The only reason I hang on is for her and my other child. But it's hard, to suffer, and be forced to live.....

I wish I could go somewhere after my son goes back out of state tomorrow, wish I could ask someone for help, but what the hell are they going to do with me ????????

 

No, I did that because I was angry a doctor wouldn't help me Friday. Only type of specialist that can help me get through this. A GP cannot prescribe the type of medications that I need. Does it even matter? IDK. How many people with CTD's are able to rant about being in remission and feeling okay?

Today I did it just because I thought it would be fun. Hahahaaaaaaaa.. I am not a drinker, that was more than obvious today.

I have hurt myself, from the physical pain. Overdosing to stop it, lack of any other choices. I am so sick that being my only option.

 

I guess no matter how much neurontin you take, it is not going to kill you. Guess I knew this when I took so many earlier but I did it anyways, until the point I was ready to vomit.

One thing I think I learned tonight, was that I never EVER want to take another drink again for as long as I live.

I realized that I want to live just as badly as I want to die. That's a hard one to come to terms with.

I have hesitated with asking for help. I don't want to go to the hospital, don't want to tell my GP what is going on, but I kind of have to, don't I? I hope I have enough courage to make that phone call tomorrow.