Just too much of nothing...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LonelyKid, Jul 11, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    I really have a lot of trouble expressing emotions with words which is why I've never been able to talk to people about my real problems... plus I find it hard to believe any of my problems are worth hearing or that they are problems at all. I always ignore my feelings until I just can't anymore in that case I just make sure I'm by myself. I have gone through a lot to try to suppress them I've been masochistic, I've withdrawn from friends and family, even two days after last Christmas I tried committing suicide... which is the only reason I'm reaching out now, I mean if I could then then why not again? I'm feeling the same as I did that day.. I feel hopeless, alone, worthless, and just terrible. I can't see anything I dream about coming to any fruition. I don't see my life getting past my mother's begging for money just so we can live. What's the point? I just try at everything so hard just to be told to give up. I can't do schoolwork right, I can't be a good friend, I can't play music, I can't write music, I can't write well, I can't even talk right. I'm not about to ask any of our family because they wouldn't like the real me anyway. All I find myself doing now is laying in bed occasionally taking a break to scream at my mother and she doesn't deserve it so why do I do it? I can't even be a good son. She's done all she can. I don't like being this talentless, worthless, unappreciative, angry jerk. all that's kept me from suicide again for so long is that I know it'd hurt my mother so much and she doesn't deserve that... but I couldn't stop myself last time so what if I can't again...?
  2. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Well, you stopped yourself enough for you to survive. Most people who attempt suicide, even multiple times, don't commit suicide and have natural deaths at an old age. So there is a lot of hope.

    However, you do need professional help, including help with your self-image.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2007
  3. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    That sounds terrible. To live my life until I die of old age, that sounds even more awful to me. Why?
  4. Aegis2003

    Aegis2003 Active Member

    I agree with you. I just canĀ“t bear thinking that I will be still alive in 20 years...
  5. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    I'm just so sick of everything... dealing with problem after problem going nowhere... tired of being nothing I just don't even know if I want to hold on anymore. I don't want to be me anymore.
  6. Rooftop

    Rooftop Member

    That's exactly how I feel.
  7. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    I'm tired of not having a life to live so please tell me now why I should live it alone anymore? I don't want to stick around living by crappy life anymore.... I don't want to do anything anymore. I just fell like giving up right now. I really mean it... I feel so alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2007
  8. SilverSonnet

    SilverSonnet New Member

    Ok, I know you are hurting and this is going to sound REALLY petty, but I'm a college English teacher. Writing is my LIFE. You say you can't write well--let me tell you that you write better than most of my students, and I've been doing this a LONG time.

    You want to be a musician, right? But you are apparently still young and living at home. Music can be an escape, so hide there if you need to, but DO NOT give up on the idea of writing music. You express yourself really well--even your punctuation is good.

    This pain that you are feeling now will come out later in your music, giving it a depth and reality you could not have expressed without it. All serious musicians pay their dues.

    You need to find music that helps you cope, something calming. My favorite CD for this is called The Immortal Kiss of the Vampire--and no, it is not dark and depressing, as it sounds.

    Hang in there, LonelyKid. You have what it takes, so don't give up on yourself.
  9. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Who says you should live your life alone? You need emotional support, especially the professional help a therapist.
  10. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    I can't explain that I'm scared of going for help... I don't know why. When I did want to I found out I'd have to get my mother to make my appointment I couldn't and wouldn't they just tell my mother about these feelings of suicide if they fear I'm in danger? I don't want her to know... I'm really good at hiding it. I just... I don't know. Sometimes I think about escaping here making her think I ran away and then do it. She would think I was still alive and not dead. That would hurt less I'm sure.
  11. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Only if you were in "immiment danger to yourself or others" in a legal sense. You can have all the suicidal thoughts and suicide plans in the world and even a long history of suicide attempts but what is required for the legal definition of "immiment danger" is, for example: Saying you will commit suicide soon and that you mean it.

    For example, when I was younger, my parents couldn't find me for a few hours and thought I may have attempted suicide. They called my therapist, who refused to tell my parents anything, such as where I may be located (and if I remember correctly, wouldn't even tell them if I had gone to the therapy session earlier that day).
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2007
  12. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    I was rather open with my parents but I would think the following may be factors:

    1. Internalized stigma against mental disorders
    2. Feelings of withdrawal inherent in depression
    3. Wanting to predict and/or control how others will react
    4. Conflicting needs for independence and dependence (unless we grow our own food and stop shopping in stores, we always dependent on other people)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2007
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.