Just Traumatized

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ScarlettHurts1990, Apr 26, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I have been so mistreated my whole life. I feel sort of guilty posting in here because I have never been physically abused. But I have been mentally and psychologically tortured almost my whole existence. I love my mom but growing up I had to be perfect. She always yelled at me for everything I did and every day I would come home from school in incapacitating fear of her screaming at me. As a teen, she treated me like a Barbie Doll and I had to look flawless- she even MADE me go tanning (who cares if I got skin cancer, apparently). I respect my mom for having depression and being a single mom but growing up with just me and her (from ages 12-18) was very difficult. She always found ways to make me miserable and I was basically her therapist after my father moved us to anther state and then left us there with a huge mortgage my mother could barely afford. My father took off with his new girlfriend and wasn't very much involved with me after that. I mean, he was better than most dead-beat dads- he took me out for pizza every week and I was forced to see him every other weekend, but he would just drop me off with my grandmother. He continuously dragged my mother back to court and we were very poor. When I was 16, I met a woman my father knew from his camp days and I got very close to her and her family. She was like a sister to me- until she betrayed my trust (that's too long of a story to explain here right now). Let's just say she ruined the friendship and harassed me- she was almost 40 and I was only 18. She manipulated and threatened to kill me- a child at the time. What a piece of shit she was. She caused me to have a severe mental breakdown in which I was hallucinating and delusional. I ended up in a psych ward and my depression was so bad that I was seeing people turn into apes (I know, it's amusing) and planning on ways to kill myself. When i went away to college everything got bright for me again. I met the love of my life and was involved in many clubs and activities. I got straight A's and excelled there. I got engaged to the girl I began dating when college started and she was my soulmate, my absolute best friend. My family hated her and so i cut most of them out of my life. She was the one and she treated me like gold. I couldn't understand how anyone couldn't see what I saw in her and I thought they just didn't like it because we are both females. Finally my mother came around and invited us over for dinner. We cooked and had a great time and they got along for once. A couple days later my mother emails me saying that she can't stand my girlfriend, that I've gotten ugly since dating her, that I exhaust her and so on and that I have to chose between her or my girlfriend. Needless to say I was pissed and hurt so I wrote my mother a cutting letter and didn't talk to her again. 13 months later my girlfriend and I get into an argument and she tells me that SHE was the one who wrote me that disgusting letter. She hacked into my mother's email account and sent it from her screen name. I was shocked, completely shocked, but stupidly forgave her thinking that everyone deserves a second chance. But then after 5 years of us being inseparable, I find out that she had been lying to me. She didn't stop the behavior and she went so far as to slash her own tires so that we'd have to share the same car, texted my mother behind my back, an was stealing my money and wallet. I broke it off with her but had to live with her for the next 5 months before moving back home. Needless to say I feel helpless, lonely, and miserable. I still see and talk to my ex because I miss her so much and I can't seem to let go of what we had. I love her so much and everyday I hope that I die. being dead beats feeling so miserable any day. I feel so fucked up in the head and screwed up mentally and emotionally. I don't want to go on. I had to quit graduate school as a mental health counselor because I got too sick to continue the program. It's very demoralizing to be back feeling suicidal again after doing so well for so long.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am sorry to hear that you are down but have to remain strong. You are currently feeling low but please remain strong. I know you are hurting and trying to come to terms with what your beloved did to you. It's hard to believe but in your heart you know if she truly loved you she would have not been so hurtful. You are truly hurting and no doubt every day is hard to deal with. Please remain strong and keep posting here.

    You can rebuild your life again like you did before. Please draw strength from yourself like what you did when you was young. I know it's hard at the moment but let us help to do it again. You are not alone no longer but please keep posting here for continuous support.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.