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Just trying to figure out this whole life thing...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by BelovedChaos, May 13, 2015.

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  1. BelovedChaos

    BelovedChaos Member

    Before I start rambling about my mental imbalance, let me say some things about my self. I have an anxiety/panic disorder, that covers all the bases, social phobia, panic attacks, generalized chronic anxiety. I also have Major Depressive Disorder, and PTSD. I would like to apologize in advance for whining about this, I'm sure there are others who need more help than I do. But I could use some guidance, or a support group, or something. I don't know if anyone is actually going to read this but I will give it a shot.

    Well, my sister told me about this site a while back and I made an account and save the URL just in case. A lot of things lead me here i guess. I don't really know what to say. I feel like i don't even have the right to say anything about helping myself. You won't find any scars on my arms, or hear of me flying off the handle due to drugs, drinking or physical self harm. I have seen too many people do that and I cannot let myself end up there. The last time I got majorly depressed, I dropped out of school, and basically just stopped. I became agoraphobic (at least thats what everyone kept telling me.) for the better part of three years. My depression comes and goes. I don't really know what causes the flare ups, but I hate it so much.. It terrifies me.

    I wasn't handed the best life, my parents were addicted to drugs. My sister, only five years older than me, is schizophrenic and practically raised me. When i was 7 we were taken away to foster care for a year before we were sent to my fathers home. He was an alcoholic with a sever anger problem. I don't really need to say much more, except: 1.) yes, my mother is still a drug addict. 2.) yes my father is still an alcoholic. 3.) no, i do not have to battle these things anymore (at least not in the moment, but sometimes the past comes back to me for a flash, but thats PTSD for you.)

    My life isn't like that anymore, in fact, I just turned 18, and am looking for a job and apartment for me and my dog. I feel like I should feel fine and dandy living life like a normal person, but I can't shake this feeling. I am afraid that my depression is going to keep me from doing any of it though, eventhough i know that the only person who can make me better is me.

    I apologize for my ramble. I don't ever air my personal stuff where others can hear, but I don't know what else to do.
  2. hide

    hide Member

    I just read everything, and although I am not very good in English (I had to translate it with google xD ) , I think you're a very strong person , everything is against you and still think in going forward , I admire that people , I I spent some time so , I locked myself in a lonely world , but I could escape from this world, I am now a completely different type , and if I could get ahead , I know you'll do well .
  3. BelovedChaos

    BelovedChaos Member

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It is always a great lift to read something so supportive. When you said "I locked myself in a lonely world, It definitely struck a nerve. I always cut myself off from reality, even as a small child. I would hide in my closet and pretend that all of the bad things in the world didn't exist. And, yes, it was lonely, but it was safe. Now I know that hiding fro the world won't change it. And I am ready and willing to work past my issues, but that's where I get lost. I just don't know how to go about this whole "Get a Job, Keep a Job, Pay the Bills, Go to School" Thing.. Sure I have applied for work, but an I going to be able to keep down a job? My mother, sister and uncle are all on disability, and I would qualify easily, but I don't want that to be my life. I wan't to go to college, At least I thought I did. I have a passion for science and astronomy, but I can't pursue that without at least 4 years of college and hundreds of thousands of dollars I don't have. Life can be stressful, but they keep telling me it's worth it.
  4. hide

    hide Member

    No matter what other people say , your life has only one owner, you must learn to take your wings and fly, no matter what they say to you , be strong , if you fall , you turn to stop, if you ever fall , you wake up , I fell many times, I reached rock bottom , that's when I realized I did not want to drown in a pool full of darkness , I wanted to laugh , wanted to live , wanted to change , and it is what I have done , I have not seen head down , I had many people who helped me , it's true , but still, the first support part by yourself and want to change , is to sit and put your mind you can change , and I know it will be difficult , will cost , but your only obstacle , only up to you .
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Welcome aboard.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, never apologize for seeking help and reaching out. You have had a very tough up bringing but you have come out of that even though the PTSD is still there. Your problems are just as important as the next persons! I also had severe trouble leaving the house, so I can relate to that and I also suffer from anxiety. I hope you can get through this safely. You don't deserve to be suffering. I really hope you can find a job and a nice little apartment for you and your dog. I wish you the best of luck.
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