I never thought i'd be that guy. Moody, pitiful, alone in a bar, watching life pass me by. The guy this empty-headed, extrovert world just didn't want. Sure, they notice his loneliness....but, give him a chance? Get to know him? Iniate conversation with him? Empathize? Attempt to alleviate his condition? Of course not. Who has the patience for that? I thought I had what it took to survive. Even if i'd always been a bit on the withdrawn side, I could still make me people laugh and be pursued by girls. But that all feels like a lifetime ago. I'm an embarassment not even i'd like to associate with. How did this happen? Where did my wiring go wrong? How can a fairly well-adjusted boy turn into such a socially inept, emotionally chaotic mess of a man? I sometimes which I wasn't born with the misfortune of being a man. So consumed by my machoness - the american perception of masculinity that's been drilled in my head since boyhood...unable to express my emotions out of fear of appearing weak and vulnerable. Always expected to make the first move on women. Defined by my success with women. Expected to participate in this constant competition for money, status, and partners with other males...when all I truly want is happiness and an intelligent, caring girl to heal my wounds. A desire that i've finally concluded will never be fulfilled because I don't seem to fit the shallow qualifications of a suitable mate. I've lost my sense of self-indentity. I'm a different person with different goals, feelings about things, and career plans that never pan out from day to day. Looking to make the necessary changes, but absolutely incapable of doing it. Dependent on 'loved' ones who are unsympathetic about my pathetic condition. When can I finally find some feeling of contentment? A feeling of having a place in this world? What do I have to do to slow down the passing of time and get out of this 6 year funk? What do I have to do to be worthy of a simple 'hello'?