Just trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lost., Jan 9, 2010.

  1. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    I never thought i'd be that guy. Moody, pitiful, alone in a bar, watching life pass me by. The guy this empty-headed, extrovert world just didn't want. Sure, they notice his loneliness....but, give him a chance? Get to know him? Iniate conversation with him? Empathize? Attempt to alleviate his condition? Of course not. Who has the patience for that?

    I thought I had what it took to survive. Even if i'd always been a bit on the withdrawn side, I could still make me people laugh and be pursued by girls.

    But that all feels like a lifetime ago.

    I'm an embarassment not even i'd like to associate with. How did this happen? Where did my wiring go wrong? How can a fairly well-adjusted boy turn into such a socially inept, emotionally chaotic mess of a man?

    I sometimes which I wasn't born with the misfortune of being a man. So consumed by my machoness - the american perception of masculinity that's been drilled in my head since boyhood...unable to express my emotions out of fear of appearing weak and vulnerable.

    Always expected to make the first move on women. Defined by my success with women. Expected to participate in this constant competition for money, status, and partners with other males...when all I truly want is happiness and an intelligent, caring girl to heal my wounds. A desire that i've finally concluded will never be fulfilled because I don't seem to fit the shallow qualifications of a suitable mate.

    I've lost my sense of self-indentity. I'm a different person with different goals, feelings about things, and career plans that never pan out from day to day. Looking to make the necessary changes, but absolutely incapable of doing it. Dependent on 'loved' ones who are unsympathetic about my pathetic condition.

    When can I finally find some feeling of contentment? A feeling of having a place in this world? What do I have to do to slow down the passing of time and get out of this 6 year funk?

    What do I have to do to be worthy of a simple 'hello'?
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hello!

    I started with that because you were wondering if you were worthy or not and to me you are. Why because you are like me and if you are not worthy then I guess I am not and right now I am hanging on every once of worthiness I got.

    I really related to so much of what you had to say it made me rather sad. The whole notion of looking back and seeing such a different person, a different life confuses me but I do look back to try and see where it shifted so I can somehow get back on track-do you know what I mean.


    You asked if someone would take the time to..."Get to know him? Iniate conversation with him? Empathize? Attempt to alleviate his condition? " I DO!
    "Who has the patience for that?" you say...well again I DO.

    My name is Bambi and deal with sadness/pain and thank god I am not suicidal right at the moment but I don't trust that that can't change. I am most riddled with thoughts of inadequacy and general unworthiness. I am 42 years old and have more life experience than I care to - some of the experiences have hardened me. I once was a beautiful women filled with joy but like you somewhere I lost that.

    Well I would like to get to know you more and if what I have shared hits home why don't you PM me and we can get to know each other. If you don't I won't be offended in the least sometimes things just don't click.

    I hope you continue to post so that we may reach out to you and also to get the crappy thoughts out of your head.
    There is hope and you are amongst friends let me assure you of that.

    Take care and you are worth it to me,
    Bambi
     
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hello, Lost.
    I can understand and relate to how you feel in some parts of what you say. It's difficult to figure out what went wrong when you look back, because all you can see is the person you used to be, and the person you are now. You never know what is around the corner though, as even the most introverted, withdrawn people can find a partner and happiness. I thought I wouldn't ever find anyone who would put up with my socially awkward, strange ways, but then I met my ex-boyfriend and I realised I was wrong. Even if you find someone who is equally withdrawn, and it starts out as an internet based relationship, it can always happen.

    I hope things become somewhat better for you somehow, and I have nothing against talking and getting to know you more if you find you ever want someone to chat to. Just drop me a PM anytime. :smile: