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Just trying to hang on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bayareagirl, Feb 17, 2015.

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  1. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    I've been feeling depressed and suicidal for a year and I think about it constantly. I dread waking up in the morning and doing my best to chug through another day and only feel relief when I go to bed at night when I can escape these feelings. This urge is overwhelming. I've had therapy, 3 months in a Partial Hospitalization Program and nothing shifts. The only way I have considered doing this is by rather 'peaceful' means and that's not easy to come by. I'm too scared to do anything violent. What do you do when your courage to live runs out, yet you can't summon the courage to die?

    It's like being in purgatory. I'd like to hear what others think because I really can't even talk to anyone about this, friends, family, spouse, not even my therapist wants to talk about this never ending ideation.
  2. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member


    I will say that you are not the only one with this feeling.
    Not along ago I had that exact hate for mornings, going through with ache and pain and just being a bit relieved with night when I can runaway in my silence, in my solitude and in sleep ... until the point you feel you want to stay like this forever and never wake up again.

    It's good that you've been able to go see a therapist.
    Maybe if this one isn't helping you should look for another one. It takes time to find the one you need I think.

    But anyway right now, you are here so please stay with us.
    No violent or peaceful way out will really bring you peace, that peace you can actually enjoy because for that you need to live in that moment of peace.

    DOn't lose hope.
    When I felt very suicidal, I had that thing, it is probably a bit sketchy, but I think, if I am about to quit, if really nothing matters anymore I have to act like it.
    - put everything in order so people who will be there after me don't have to deal with burial matters.
    - I have to do something I have never done : a lonely travel, going in India to help poor people with whatever I have ... I can give everything away because I won't stay anymore.

    I just think if I have to live I want to be useful at least once so I would have been there for something and I might have prevent someone to come to the same end I chose.

    Hold on and if you need to talk please ... just don't hesitate.

    But for now stay here with us.
    We are all unique but you are not alone.
  3. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you Dewonderland. It really is a matter of getting through each minute, five minutes for me. Also, I do feel the need to put things in order, write lists, document finances etc. I think you hit the nail on the head with hope. That's the hardest thing to hold on to and when that slides, well, it just feels empty.
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    to add- when hope is gone, inspire from those nearby.
  5. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    I actually just put a few financial affairs in order and drafted a good bye note to my husband. It actually feels like a release.
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