Just venting.. on topic though

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by thepainwithin, Jul 25, 2012.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I've been arrested for pot twice. I got over it. I learned my lesson. I don't drive around with anything, I don't smoke in cars, I don't ever put myself in a situation where I could arrested again. And yes, I still smoke pot, maybe a little too much. I smoke daily, after work, in the basement by myself. No harm, no foul. My dad knows I smoke, he's okay with it as long as I'm being safe. There's a time and a place and I only smoke in the time and place (safely at home).

    Well the other day my mom found out. We were smoking in my room on my birthday at my lake and she came outside and walked around the house and called my name and I came out and she's like "what we're you guys doing?" And I said smoking. My friends think I am idiot for telling her the truth, but quite frankly, I'm sick of lying and trying to hide it, etc... Needless to say, she was not happy. She's nothing like my dad when it comes to pot or alcohol.

    She said she was so mad and disappointed, that she thought I'd stop and learned my lesson. I did learn my lesson, I don't smoke in cars, I don't put myself in a position to get arrested, and I told her that. So then she says "Well I just hate how antisocial you are, and now that I know you're smoking, you're probably doing it everyday and that's why you won't go hangout with anyone." Okay. Granted I have been smoking every day, lately, for her to just assume that that's why I'm not hanging out with people, because I'd rather get high... just like... wow... I'll explain in a minute. Then she goes on to say "I'm just mad you're not rushing or doing the water polo team, I'm afraid you're just gunna sit there and get high all day."

    Ok. After she said all this. This is what I said to her. I can't believe you'd think I'm smoking every day, and that that's why I don't want to hangout with anyone while I'm home from college. There was a rumor I was on mushrooms at a party, and a rumor I was on cocaine at a party, and then there was a rumor I got kicked out of college (because I came home to transfer after my first semester) because I smoked too much and failed out. And you think I don't want to hangout with people because I'd rather get high? I'm too ashamed to show my face in this city because of what people have said about me. I lost a lot of friends because of rumors, and I lost a girlfriend that I really loved because of rumors that I was on cocaine and mushrooms and a drug addict. But ya, I don't want to hangout with them because I'd just rather get high... not because I'm ashamed to show my face in this city after almost getting sued over a letter I wrote and then arrested twice.

    I did smoke every day before she found out. And when she found out it was like I was this completely different person even though I'd talked to her plenty of times while I was high without her knowing... but just because she knows all of the sudden I'm some different person. That's what everyone is like. I'm around you high when you have no idea, then you find out and your perception of me changes and you get mad at me and can't look at me the same.... EVEN THOUGH NOTHING HAS CHANGED...

    I just wish she didn't care. I mean, I know she's worried, but for her to tell me I hadn't learned my lesson... you bet your ass I did. I wouldn't wish the court system on my worst enemy. It did nothing but leave me riddled with mental illnesses. I was 100% fine, sociable, had plenty of friends had a girlfriend while I was smoking before the arrest, but then I get arrested, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to be my friend, the court system tells me I'm sick, they teach me nothing about rehabilitation, and just make me pissed off and broke.

    So now, for the last two days, I've been bed ridden with anxiety because of what she said to me and what she thinks about me now. I got home from the lake at 5:30 PM last night and slept until 10 AM. I didn't go upstairs until 2 PM the next day. I told her I'd quit, but I'm most likely not going to, not yet anyway, just to get her off my back. I'm 22 years old and she gives me shit for drinking beer while my 2 older sisters drink beer and smoke cigarettes. She says she worried about me at college because she remembers how I called her crying 4 years ago that I was miserable.. Yes, 4 years ago, I've grown a lot since then. It's been 4 years but I've aged a decade in that time. And she's still treating me like I'm a minor, that I should be ashamed to drink because it's illegal or something.

    Srsly, fuck the court system. They didn't do shit but ruin my mind and put my mom through hell. All over a bowl and some dust in a grinder.

    I know you're all going to say "you should quit if it's causing her that much pain"... Well you know what, before two days ago things were fine when she thought I had quit. And I've sacrificed too much happiness in my life for others, I'm sick of it. When do I get to do things for myself? When do I get to make my own decisions and be happy about them? Why does it always have to be about others? They say to put others before yourself... but then others start putting themselves before me and expect me to put them before me too.... so who's going to look out for number 1? Who's going to put me first?

    I'm fine when I smoke. I don't get lazy and I most certainly don't avoid people because I'd rather get high. I'm sick of people thinking that's how I am.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2012
  2. bleedingrage

    bleedingrage Active Member

    Umm you lost me lol but hey, it could be worse. You could be hooked on dope :)
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Substances that get us high can change who and how we are - our real self vs our high self. Even if you are "functioning" when high, I'd bet that some people feel that they don't know the "real" you and they thought they did. That might be what makes them angry. :dunno:

    What are you like when you're not high? Could you survive the day without getting high? Perhaps that is something to aim for because it could help to restore people's perceptions of you. Not to mention there's always the risk of being caught out somewhere for using an illegal substance. Is it worth the risk of being in serious trouble again?

    I hope you can resolve all these things.
  4. Finance

    Finance Well-Known Member

    I understand what you're saying. You're fine with Cannibis and people you're tired of don't like it.

    You figured out the only negative thing about it is jail.

    I'd put more on here, except the site isn't for that. Cannabis or suicide? That's easy.
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