just venting/rambling

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cole624, Jun 18, 2014.

  1. cole624

    cole624 Member

    today was tough, worked 13 hours sweating my ass off. the entire time i was thinking of her. i was thinking of her and all the stupid promises we made each other "oh we are gonna get married, of course we will be together forever, don't worry i wont ever try to kill myself again" holy fuck i was naive. now im just stupid. i was naive to think that my love was special. i should have caught it when i always told myself "oh but our love is different!" now im stupid, why you may ask? because i still love her. dear God do i love her, more and more every day and it's been over 2 fucking years since i last saw her. i hate it. i hate not being able to let go, i hate dreaming about her at night, i hate lying to people about my virginity because in truth i was saving myself for her, now she is gone but i still cant let go. how could i though. she saved my life, and when she is going through her worst i cant be there for her, when she is going through her best i cant be happy with her. i realize i have a problem and i hate that too. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...............i always tell myself i just want her to be happy. im not so sure thats entirely true. "I" want to be happy but the only time i was ever truly happy were the 3 years with her. sometimes i wonder if God led us to each other just so i wouldn't kill myself 6 years ago. and when i promised her i wouldnt he gave us a little more time and BOOM cole doesnt need to be happy anymore. no explanation, no goodbye just gone FUCKING GONE!!!!!!!!!!!! last fucking words were i love you and havent heard from her since, thought i would hear from her the next day. time is a ruthless bastard we all grow up. a mutual friend of ours posted a picture of their graduation. God she is still beautiful, i thought i was going to vomit from longing. by now you are probably thinking "this isnt love this is obsession" maybe it is, maybe its not. all i know is she was (is)my everything, she is gone so now i have nothing. again i was naive all those sweet words young couples say to each other because it's cute. i was dumb enough to put my heart and soul in every single word, i meant every thing i ever said to her. so at the moment im living off of a dumb fucking promise a stupid kid made. and this stupid kid is more miserable every day and this stupid kid misses his everything. this stupid kid is gonna polish off a bottle right now, maybe itll numb the pain a bit