Just waiting to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Twelve, Nov 15, 2008.

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  1. Twelve

    Twelve Member

    Hello all,

    Well.. Its come to this. And I'm very afraid. I don't want to die.. but I know suffering is inevitable. I'll try to make this clear as possible.

    My own social anxiety and depression generally costs me grades in college (sophomore). I have one thing I turn to for therapy : art. Namely film and video. But I always want to do that just constantly.. I never pay attention to my gen-ed courses. Well now.. its almost the end of the semester. I'm certain I'm going to make a C in at least one-two of my courses outside art. My parents threatened this months before.. but went easy because of a danger of my own suicide.. But they are going to pull me from college, and make me work a job to pay for every dollar of my tuition from now on.

    This is difficult.. because..
    -All the little jobs I've had (theater, food, etc.)- I've never really talked. I can't have fun at work. I am not social, and going to work is the most painful experience to me without even connecting to a single soul.
    -I have no friends close enough to stick by me through it. I am certain I'll just be forgotten while everyone else will run up ahead of me.
    -I'm too proud of a person to fall under such circumstances. Proud of my art at least.. not of me. My face is scarred off and on.. I'm creative (half the time I think just due to bipolar).. i never make eye contact, even with family.. and half the time, people ask me to repeat what I said cause I'm so soft spoken.

    I'll be trapped away from anyone and everything. I'll fall down a ladder, with everyone laughing at me and forgetting me simultaneously. Not to mention I'm depressed to the point of suicide even without these circumstances. And regardless.. film? Video? I also like acting in my videos.. and its humilating. I'm so ugly.. nobody wants to see my face. And i can't have other people in the videos.. I don't know a soul willing enough to do that for me. My choice of career doesn't suit me.. And its too late to change.

    Basically.. I'm deciding to kill myself at the end of this semester. I'm just.. buried. I have the ambition to do things.. but not everything. And in order to succeed.. I have to do everything. I'm ugly. I need to make up for not being confident. I'm nerdy. I need to overcompensate to be cool. Not to mention every girl I ever wanted and get close to.. ends up deciding the same factors about me. Maybe its also a chip in my tooth that's causing me pain.. or another blemish on the side of my face that hurts as well. I want to scream. I want it to go away.. Without anyone missing me. But I know some will.. But that's becoming a dream of mine. The only moment I will be loved.. is not when I make some art piece.. but when I die.

    Sorry a lot for making this a long read. And maybe unclear.
  2. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    This sounds familiar - I was thinking of doing the same thing at the end of the current semester. I'm a junior and I too am not attentive in my general ed. classes. Right now I am trying to save my GPA by avoiding the C I'll probably get. I'm so frustrated and depressed. Unlike you, however, I feel as if my death would bring about great hatred over me by my family members. I attempted a while back and the response was laughter and outrage...calling me "stupid" and such even though I was in intensive care! Now I just don't know what to do. My teachers will be dissapointed in me if I'm dead or alive...and if I die, my friends will think I'm foolish, and my belongings will get thrown away because nobody care for them. But life sucks so much that I'm eager and tempted to end it nevertheless. I don't know how.
  3. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    I'm not a very sociable person either, that's why I work in a warehouse.

    You don't have to communicate at all. Just move the pallet from point A to point B. There's not alot of stress involved.

    I get along with my co-workers anyway, though. Hey, you might like it.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't give up Twelve. A lot of people have social anxiety to some degree. You just have to learn to live with it. :hug:
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    hey Twelve, i also have severe social anxiety so I can relate to you..if you want to talk about it PM me :arms:
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