Hello all, Well.. Its come to this. And I'm very afraid. I don't want to die.. but I know suffering is inevitable. I'll try to make this clear as possible. My own social anxiety and depression generally costs me grades in college (sophomore). I have one thing I turn to for therapy : art. Namely film and video. But I always want to do that just constantly.. I never pay attention to my gen-ed courses. Well now.. its almost the end of the semester. I'm certain I'm going to make a C in at least one-two of my courses outside art. My parents threatened this months before.. but went easy because of a danger of my own suicide.. But they are going to pull me from college, and make me work a job to pay for every dollar of my tuition from now on. This is difficult.. because.. -All the little jobs I've had (theater, food, etc.)- I've never really talked. I can't have fun at work. I am not social, and going to work is the most painful experience to me without even connecting to a single soul. -I have no friends close enough to stick by me through it. I am certain I'll just be forgotten while everyone else will run up ahead of me. -I'm too proud of a person to fall under such circumstances. Proud of my art at least.. not of me. My face is scarred off and on.. I'm creative (half the time I think just due to bipolar).. i never make eye contact, even with family.. and half the time, people ask me to repeat what I said cause I'm so soft spoken. I'll be trapped away from anyone and everything. I'll fall down a ladder, with everyone laughing at me and forgetting me simultaneously. Not to mention I'm depressed to the point of suicide even without these circumstances. And regardless.. film? Video? I also like acting in my videos.. and its humilating. I'm so ugly.. nobody wants to see my face. And i can't have other people in the videos.. I don't know a soul willing enough to do that for me. My choice of career doesn't suit me.. And its too late to change. Basically.. I'm deciding to kill myself at the end of this semester. I'm just.. buried. I have the ambition to do things.. but not everything. And in order to succeed.. I have to do everything. I'm ugly. I need to make up for not being confident. I'm nerdy. I need to overcompensate to be cool. Not to mention every girl I ever wanted and get close to.. ends up deciding the same factors about me. Maybe its also a chip in my tooth that's causing me pain.. or another blemish on the side of my face that hurts as well. I want to scream. I want it to go away.. Without anyone missing me. But I know some will.. But that's becoming a dream of mine. The only moment I will be loved.. is not when I make some art piece.. but when I die. Sorry a lot for making this a long read. And maybe unclear.