Just waiting

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by TheEscapist, Aug 17, 2012.

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  1. TheEscapist

    TheEscapist Member

    Not sure what to write here. I'm 22 and from NC. I live in Canada now though, with my boyfriend. Last Sunday, my world was shattered when my ex boyfriend died. We had a complicated relationship, but still loved each other more than anything. He was the person who kept me strong and gave me hope, but now he's gone. I feel like I'm just waiting to die now. I miss him so much and can't stop crying. I know he's alive still in spirit, and I want to be with him again. Three years ago, he tried to kill himself and I saved his life. After that he asked me if I would've joined him soon after, if he would have been successful. I told him I probably would have because I didn't think I could live without him. And now I know I can't.
     
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    You said that he is an ex boyfriend, which means at this point you have decided that you need to live your personal life without him; but now that he has passed, you are changing your mind.

    Rewind back to the part where he became your ex in the first place, and where you decided that you needed more, and different things; which is what made him the "ex" to begin with. That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to miss him, or hurt, or feel bad, or wish a different outcome, especially with his passing.

    Obviously he was determined to leave, and now he is gone. Obviously you were not enough for him, and he clearly said if he would have left, would you do that too?

    What kind of person wants to know if you'd be suicidal too? What kind of person knowingly wants another to die as well?

    Now you are saying that you want to be with him again. As for having a person who keeps you strong and giving you hope; hope is something that you have to learn to find in yourself, and learn to look for, and learn to have.

    He can be that stepping stone to starting that, but he can't be anything more. If he was so good at keeping you strong, how come he's abandoned you now? If he was giving you hope, where is he then?

    Obviously those things were coming from you then, and he just reminded you that you had it in you. I hope that you can see that now.

    In any case, you said that you have a boyfriend. Lean on him now. Let him help you up. Let him be what you need.

    It's really unfair to only allow that role to be to someone who was an ex, and who now has passed; and not give anyone else the chance to be that and more for you either.
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi and welcome escapist.. know loss of bf hurts terribly. but... you are young and there can be a life without him.. do not take fatal steps cause that takes away any chances for a better life.. i am 65 espcapit and believe me things can get better and changes can occur in one's life. but you still have to be alive in order for that to happen,,,,

    you say you live in canada.. have you thought about and tried any professional mental health counseling to help yourself??? highly reccomend gettting some professional help now for yourself.. also we have a loved and lost forum where this subject is psoted and talked about by many members.. also all sorts of other forums that may be a fit for you.. take care and please stay safe.. got any questions about this place please just let us know.. Jim
     
  4. TheEscapist

    TheEscapist Member

    Samara it was very complicated. He was my ex, but we still loved each other. The only reason we never got back together was because I didn't want us being together to negatively impact his relationship with his family and I thought it would be best if we just went our separate ways. I've always loved him and I've always wanted to be with him, I just didn't think it would be in the best interest for us considering what our families would say and how it would just be us two left alone if we were to stay together. He was my hope and my future. When I looked into his eyes I saw my life and I saw unconditional true love. Also with my boyfriend, he hated my ex because he always saw him as a threat, and even now he sees him as a threat, even though he's dead. He knew that he was my true love, and I don't love him anywhere much as near as I loved my ex. He was my best friend, he knew everything about me, understood me, and accepted me with all of his heart. I tried leaning on my boyfriend, but he's been of no help. All he did was grill me on if I still loved my ex or not, and then he went cold and tried to change the subject. I feel alone now, and like everyone is dying around me. Two days ago my grandmother's husband died as well, and now she's sad and so is my mom and sister. It's all just overwhelming.
     
  5. TheEscapist

    TheEscapist Member

    I don't like professional counselors. The last one I went to, tried to put me on medication for depression without really addressing my issues. So I'm very skeptical of them for the most part. I think I'll go look more at that loved and lost forum. Maybe someone there can understand me more. Thanks.
     
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