Just wanna blow my brains out...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by curtn34, Jan 23, 2012.

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  1. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I've posted on here before, I don't really remember what I said to be honest. I graduated college and returned home a little over a month ago. I've always felt lonely, since middle school I would say. I didn't have any friends in High School. This was due to social anxiety, I was scared to talk to people. I went away to school though and made some friends. Good friends? I wouldn't go that far. But after spending high school alone, I knew what it meant to fully appreciate any friendship I had. So yeah, I went through college with some friends. Not really anyone close, I've never had a best friend, but I had people to talk to, people to go out with, people to keep me sane. But now I'm back home and I literally have no one. No friends. I'm pretty fucking depressed. Actually, I do have one friend but he lives kinda far. It's really annoying for me to get to him or vice versa, he also isn't available to hang out that often. In the month that I have been home he has asked me to do things three times. One of these was last minute so I didn't go. Another was New Years Eve, I was intending on going but something caused my night to go to shit for the night so I decided just to spend it with my family. Pointless details aside, I don't really have any friends. Not anyone I can see on a regular basis. So, for a month I've been sitting in my house, alone, doing nothing. I guess I have some internet friends. It helps, a little, but it's kind of an unhealthy thing to depend on.

    I started dating a guy about 5 months ago. Within 2 months he broke up with me, I was already in love though. Well, whether or not it was actually love is debatable...but I definitely had strong feelings. He promised to be my friend and to be there for me once I was home. He stopped talking to me about a month ago, he couldn't deal with my suicidal thoughts I suppose. I've been trying to talk to him. He just ignores me though. He actually told me how much better his life is without me in it. That really didn't help.

    I can't find a job and I'm kinda scared to look, because of my social anxiety. I really have no idea what to do to find one and I just wish somebody would help me. Somebody here. Every time I think about looking for a job I become unmotivated. It doesn't help that I have only ever held one job before and was fired from it. So I have no experience. I have a college degree but that doesn't really help much in this day and age. So, I feel incredibly unmotivated. It's easy to feel that way when you spend your days sitting alone in your house doing absolutely nothing. Same goes with exercise. I would love to exercise. I'm not lazy. I once lost 50 pounds from diet and exercise, I'm just entirely unmotivated though.

    I don't get along with my family. My parents can be pains in the ass but they aren't so bad I suppose. Same goes for my sister. I'm not happy though. I'm utterly and completely depressed so i just withdraw. If I was happy I would treat them better and I wouldn't lash out so easily. I'm also an incredibly jealous person and I feel like everyone is better than me. Not that I'm a bad person. I don't think I am. I have a good heart, I know that much, but people just seem more capable then me. More capable and more adapt-able. I kinda suck at driving. I can't parallel park to save my life and I have no sense of direction. This doesn't help with me never leaving the house. And it's just one of many things people can do that I can't. I'm kinda useless.

    So yeah, I'm just rambling without much direction. My days consist of me waking up at 1 pm, laying in bed for 2 hours or so trying to think of a reason to get out of bed. Eventually, I get out of bed and sit on my computer for awhile. Then I might play some video games. Basically my life is a mixture of video games and computer. In the past month I will usually go about 5 days without leaving my house. Then I'll go somewhere with my parents one day for a few hours and come back. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I just have nowhere to go and nobody to see. I did promise myself that the next time my one friends invites me to do something I will not make any excuses and just go. Oh, I also cry a lot. Unexpectedly. We have a treadmill and the other day i was running and 15 minutes in I felt exhausted so i got off to rest for a minute. I randomly started bawling at this time for about ten minutes straight. Yes, I guess I cry about 2 or 3 times a day. i can't really help it to be honest. It's weak of me but what am I gonna do.

    Basically, yeah, I wanna blow my brains out. We have guns since my dad was a cop. They're locked away in a safe. I guess my Dad was smart in that way, as he never told me the code to the safe. If I was gonna do it though I guess that would be the way for me. It just seems so instant. I wish I could get a hold of one. Pills don't seem sure enough. I was thinking of jumping in front of a train but that just seems harder for some reason. I don't know. Sometimes I think about shooting myself in the head and blaming my two ex boyfriends...I know that may seem selfish and cruel, to blame someone for something like that, but they both really did abandon me. I don't know. All I've ever wanted since High School was to live my life, the reason I want to die is that no matter how much I try to do that, and believe me I have tried, I always end up back in this same place, alone and feeling hopeless. What's the fucking point anymore? I just wish I had a gun....
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    It is really hard to be lonely, I know because I don't have that many friends either. Maybe a few in real life that never spend time with me, and a few on here, but that's better than being completely alone. There is always someone to reach out to on here when you're feeling awful, so it can make you feel less alone. If your friends aren't there for you, you can always start to get to know new people. Sorry to hear about the breakup, but if he said he's better off without you in your life, you don't need him in your life. If he isn't going to support you then he isn't worth your time.

    It's hard for me to look for a job too because I'm scared and unmotivated, just like you. I know I'm not lazy but it feels overwhelming to be around people all day. I don't get along with my family either, even though I'm nice to them they hate me. That's good that you know you aren't a bad person. Sometimes I feel that I am even though I'm not. You aren't useless, some people are better at things than others, but that doesn't mean you aren't good at anything.

    I cry a lot too, and I feel like a weak person when I do it, but it's good to get it out instead of keeping it inside. I tend to feel worse when I bottle it up and that can be bad. It's good that the guns are locked up, that takes away some of the temptation of using them. It's a good idea to keep away from anything you could use to hurt yourself. Guns don't always work the way you want them to and things could end up badly. No method of suicide is foolproof and that's one reason I haven't done it yet. I've been abandoned by a lot of people too, but people come and go in life and the important ones stick around.

    I know I'm just a stranger but I can relate to how you are feeling and I would care if you killed yourself. I hope that you will stick with us and continue to post so we can help you. There are so many supportive and kind people here and it's good that you are reaching out.
  3. shan

    shan Member

    i guess the point is to find a point. you sound angry. sometimes it helps me to direct my anger, so i write. i write about who i am angry at. alot of times it comes down to me being angry at myself.

    try to forgive yourself for all of the shame and bad feelings you seem to be holding on to about what you did or did not do in high school, in college, those days are over. start small. if you are too afraid for your job set a goal for yourself to get up at noon instead of twelve and spend that hour really enjoying a bowl of cereal, or a walk, or listening to your favorite song over and over. something you like to do. you need to invest in yourself and build p confidence in you again.

    your post was really well written and articulate, i know the subject of your writing was not happy but don'toverlook the fact that you seem to be pretty good at it.

    also dont worry about the jerk guy who broke up with you or worry about who you have or have not dated. i am 22 i graduated college last august, and the only guy i ever dated broke up with me after 10 days too. i am just starting to realize now he is the loser and not me. be nice to yourself. write a love letter to yourself. thats what alanis morrisette says haha.
  4. shan

    shan Member

    sorry about the grammatical errors in that response.
  5. shan

    shan Member

    Also, I believe you that you have tried to live your life. There is this buddhist proverb thing i found that says "no pearl without inner irritation". I really think that the fact that you continue to struggle and obviously want something more from life is a beautiful thing and I do believe that something beautiful will come out of all this for you.
  6. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I think it's really scary of how hard it is to get a job let alone a good job these days. The professional aspect keeps popping up in almost all the stories I read.

    I'm living a situation similar to yours. I graduated college about 5 years ago, got a few low-paid jobs in my field then tried to make things happen on my own but they didn't work out. I'm also largely friendless and with an almost non-existent social life (I basically have one friend I go out to drink with on weekends)

    I can't get a job because neither me or my relatives have any contacts in my field, so I sit around all day paralized and depressed. I watch a movie, play some video games too and watch videos on Youtube (about science, mostly).

    I had so much promise and love for my profession, but it's all going away so fast. To be honest today the only thing I'm probably looking forward to today is Mass Effect 3 being released for the Xbox 360. (lol)

    I don't take any medication, but I guess my brain has learned to keep itself in a low-frequency mode so I can at least continue breathing. At this point I really need some external force to shake my life around, because I tried doing that and nothing happened.

    Still, you're just out of college, so your chances are greater. The more the years pass the harder it is to get in.

    Regardless of everything, I highly advise you not to blame it on anyone or choose a method that involves other people (such as jumping in front of a train). I believe in Karma and I think if it's your choice to leave this world you should avoid at all cost involving third parties in it and potentially causing suffering to them as well.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2012
  7. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    this is in reply to Witty Sarcasm

    Yeah, it's hard not having anyone. That's the thing though, I don't know how to make friends. I had a hard enough time in college and that's an environment kinda designed to have you meet people. Now that I'm out what am I supposed to do? The simple fact is that most people make friends through other friends. At least, that's what it seems like to me. Online friends that I have have told me that once I get a job I will make friends. It's possible I suppose but it could be a long time before I find a job, so that doesn't help much. Also, I really feel that I have no skills.

    Also, yes, the fact that they aren't foolproof is the reason I haven't done it yet. I feel like it must be pretty rare for someone to survive a gunshot to the head though.

    As far as people coming and going, it's one thing for someone to just disappear unnoticed out of your life or for them to quietly become distant, which has happened pretty frequently on it's own. It's another thing to have someone make a conscious decision never to talk to you again, no matter how much you beg them not to. It's not a mutual thing. And this has happened with the only two boyfriends that I have had. There's got to be something wrong with me...no?

    Thanks for the reply, it's appreciated, of course.
  8. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    You hit the nail right on the head with that comment about the point being to find a point. My life is utterly meaningless at the moment. And yes...of course I am angry. Who wouldn't be? I'm 22 and single and I don't really have friends, never had a best friend, I never go out, I can't find a job, I've been screwed over so many times....I could go on and on. So, yes, I am angry.

    Well, the thing is, I've been trying to go to bed early and wake up early because I know it will have a positive effect. Then the night comes though and I become restless. Still though I try to set goals for myself everyday. I tell myself and my online friends that I will get up in the morning and I will look for a job and I will exercise and I will try to be as positive and productive as can be the next day. For some reason though, the mornings are the worst for me. Like I said, I just lay in bed, trying to find a reason to get up.

    And thanks for complimenting me on the writing...it's not the first time someone has, maybe there is something to that, who knows.

    Also, it's kinda hard no to think about him when I know he's out living his life while I'm stuck here alone. It just seems unfair.

    On an unrelated note, I really do love Alanis Morissette. I would say I'm somewhere between a casual and more devoted fan in that I don't only know her singles but I have not listened to all of her albums in full.
  9. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I'm sorry that you've had trouble finding a good job, that must be rough after 5 years. May I ask what field you are in?

    I can relate to that comment about Mass Effect. Like I said, I have been playing video games to pass the time and keep my mind occupied. I am currently in the middle of two Zelda games. It's something, I guess. I'm also very much looking forward to the Superbowl. Not because I'm a fan of football, truth is I despise it, but because Madonna will be doing the half time show and I am most certainly a fan of hers. Along with that she will have a new single and album coming in the next few months. I am looking forward to that, in fact, that's all I am looking forward to at the moment. It helps, a little, to have SOMETHING.

    On the note of not blaming anyone, I don't know. When someone says they love you and promise to always be there for you and when they know you have no friends and they know you want to kill yourself and when they are a mental health counselor on top of all of that it's kinda hard not to want to blame them when they decide to cut you out of their life and then tell you how much better it is without you.

    Anyway thank you for the reply, I really hope things turn around for you soon.
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I don't know how to make friends either, but I still try to talk to people. Maybe they won't become my friends but at least it's good to give it a try. It is easier to meet friends through other friends, but sometimes you need to do things for yourself. It is rare for someone to survive a gunshot to the head, but sometimes they do and end up with damage. So it's just something that can be a big risk. There's nothing wrong with you, maybe the guys weren't right for you. Almost everyone in my life has abandoned me but I don't give up the hope that I'll be happy one day. And you can't give up hope either...please don't give up.
  11. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I could really use someone to talk to right now.
  12. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You can talk to me if you want
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