sigh. not even sure i'm gonna even post this, just wanna get it down. some of you have been following my ups and downs with mental health services here, esp. the community nurse i've been working with. i found a therapist to work with and we had our first meeting on monday this week. talked to the nurse on tuesday for our regular bi-weekly call. agreed that i'd talk to her in 3 weeks to update her on how it's going. at her suggestion - weeks ago - we agreed i'd disengage from the mental health services as i started therapy, that way i wouldn't have competing approaches in terms of treatment and recovery. yesterday i was in a great mood and thought i'd send the nurse a card saying thanks for all the help she'd given me so far. she got the card today and called me, worried that it was some kind of suicide note. she asked "was i thinking of harming myself" blah blah blah.... sigh. what i feel like is: are you even allowed to get better? does everything have to be interpreted in the worse possible light? i feel like a moron. an idiot. a loser. i just want to cry. and mostly i really, really want to cut. i'm embarassed that i sent the card and for some strange reason i just feel so hurt by this. sadness. once again, and i don't know how, i screwed things up. man, what a moron i am.