Just wanna DIE

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jessikah2k8, Sep 16, 2008.

  1. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    My whole life has just COLLAPSED. I am so upset. My boyfriend who is 4 years older than me, dumped me once I told him I was pregnant. I was absolutely devestated. He did it over MSN. I learnt a lot of things nearer the end- lots of lies he didn't tell me, including his ex who got an abortion with his kid. I put that at the back of my mind though, but I think it bothered him that I knew this as this seemed to be when our relationship went out of control. The night before he dumped me, he slept with me, despite feeling this way for days. I felt used and violated and really upset. I gave him everything. He's 19, I am 15.

    When I split up with him; I didn't know what to think about everything. My mum obviously knew and phoned the police but they still haven't got back to me. I took a couple of overdoses just 2 days after the split, and the day before I went on holiday. The day afterwards, before my holidays, I started bleeding and having really bad cramps and back pain, a bit like period pain. I remember being so shocked I ran down stairs to my mum, tears streaming my face, telling her I was bleeding and that I was losing the baby. She tried to keep me calm but I knew it deep down. I was so stressed out. I think the drink and overdoses did it and I can't live that down, everyday I am blaming myself and crying. That afternoon, the hospital confirmed I was around 3 weeks pregnant and lost the baby in an early miscarriage. I had to take tablets on holidays, to try and flush it out because it was still there. I phoned my ex as soon as I got home, and he didn't care. He thought it was a weight off his shoulders. I was crying and crying, and I took another overdose when I got home, which my mum does not know about; 24 paracetamol with a bottle of whiskey. I just wanted to die.

    It's about a month now since this all happened and I'm still crying everyday and it's never getting any better. I have since discovered, while my ex was in Amsterdam, he had 2 hookers, behind my back. This made me so angry and upset at the same time. My mum reckons I don't need counseling but I'm struggling. I feel like I am so alone because I can't tell my mum what I'm feeling because she's already lost my dad- which is the only thing that stops me killing myself now- the fact of it would break my family's hearts. It's knowing by now, the baby would be nearly 2 months on, it breaks my heart. He dumped me because of age. Apparently I was too young and I couldn't go out clubbing and stuff like that.. the day after I come back from holiday he has a new girlfriend, who he claimed he met one day after he dumped me. I have sources though, telling me he met her even when he was with me, which I can't bear the thought of.

    I can't trust anybody now after this, and I feel like I am not good enough for anybody, even though I know I am quite a pretty girl. I always think everybody is going to be a dickhead to me and that I will never get another boyfriend to treat me the way he did- which was like a princess. He treated me so well.

    I just want to end it all. I feel so down and upset and I can't bear living in this world knowing I probably killed my own child, and that the lad I still love is off shagging somebody else and doesn't care. Why has he changed so much? And do you think I should press charges?
  2. Jehuty

    Jehuty Senior Member

    I'm sorry to hear that.
    If you want to talk with someone just send me a PM. :hug: