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just want out

Harmony

Well-Known Member
SF Supporter
#1
Things are getting to be so much more than I can handle. The panic and depression. I don't want to live like this; I'm only ok for intermittent periods and then right back down again. I've tried to remain positive, distract myself, fake it, only to end up back in the same spot. I'm on medication. Everything feels so out of control inside and my world is such a dark place. There is nothing worth keeping me here. I don't have the energy to even try anymore and I don't care either. I just want peace.
 

Xanthas

Well-Known Member
#3
Maybe the medication isn't working because you're mentally healthy. It is just that your life isn't going well and so life itself is making you unhappy.

Since suicide is not permitted, I think you might just have to accept that you'll have to wait until natural causes finally brings you peace.

Maybe there's solace in remembering that you won't live forever. Most people die between 70-90. It may take a while, but there is an end to the pain of living. Maybe keep that in mind. It helps me.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Things are getting to be so much more than I can handle. The panic and depression. I don't want to live like this; I'm only ok for intermittent periods and then right back down again. I've tried to remain positive, distract myself, fake it, only to end up back in the same spot. I'm on medication. Everything feels so out of control inside and my world is such a dark place. There is nothing worth keeping me here. I don't have the energy to even try anymore and I don't care either. I just want peace.
i'm sorry that you're suffeing so much right now. i know what you're talking about. no mater how hard you try you cant get to that good place and stay there. emotionally i'm kind of in the same boat right now. i can't do this alone so i decided to see a psychiatrist. i know you're on meds but they may have to change the meds or adjust the dose. don't give up, keep fighting. if you want to talk my inbox is always there...mike...*hug*shake
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#6
Things are getting to be so much more than I can handle. The panic and depression. I don't want to live like this; I'm only ok for intermittent periods and then right back down again. I've tried to remain positive, distract myself, fake it, only to end up back in the same spot. I'm on medication. Everything feels so out of control inside and my world is such a dark place. There is nothing worth keeping me here. I don't have the energy to even try anymore and I don't care either. I just want peace.
So many people in this world do not recognise how they feel, so you're already one step ahead recognising the 'panic & depression'
It may not seem much to you right now, but to me it shows a slight ray of light from the bottom of what must be a very dark pit.
Panic & depression go hand in hand, they both have very close friends called, 'anxiety, loneliness and worthlessness' hang around with all these long enough and they'll bring in all there other mates as well. Before you know it you have every negative friend hanging out in your head absolutely rent free.

As you probably know already depression is going over and over the past trying to change something that has happened before. Endless hours over endless days/months/years spent thinking about something in the hope it will somehow change. Where as anxiety is the complete opposite, it's worrying about the future and all the bad things that you kind of convince yourself is going to happen. Either way the past and future are 2 points of time that do NOT exist.
The past has gone and can't be changed, if it could I would go back to the point where we all evolved and show them this picture

so on a positive note you are recognising your feelings, and on top of that you have decided you deserve peace, use this energy to start challenging that little voice inside which is constantly battering you down, go outside and walk through the park, watch , the birds, bees, wildlife and insects, fight the internal voice which is keeping you in the familiar ground which you have become accustomed too, remember life isn't forever anyway so it's just not going to always be this way, choose to spend whatever time you have on this planet to do things you enjoy, and never give up giving up, remember to fight that internal voice every time it .tries to tell you negative stuff. Yes life is a battle, and you've just got to try and fight within yourself to win... Take care
 

Harmony

Well-Known Member
SF Supporter
#7
Panic & depression go hand in hand, they both have very close friends called, 'anxiety, loneliness and worthlessness' hang around with all these long enough and they'll bring in all there other mates as well. Before you know it you have every negative friend hanging out in your head absolutely rent free.
Thanks for this reinforcement of the situation. I definitely know this to be true, but I can't stop feeling a pull in the other direction to self destruct. It is so strong. Also, another component you pointed out is the anticipatory anxiety which is a ruthless contender. A lot has happened, recently at work with the pandemic, while irrational I wish I would have passed right along with those who did not make it. It's all consuming.
I'm probably not making much sense here as my thoughts are so jumbled but I appreciate your response.
 

Ash600

✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#8
Thanks for this reinforcement of the situation. I definitely know this to be true, but I can't stop feeling a pull in the other direction to self destruct. It is so strong. Also, another component you pointed out is the anticipatory anxiety which is a ruthless contender. A lot has happened, recently at work with the pandemic, while irrational I wish I would have passed right along with those who did not make it. It's all consuming.
I'm probably not making much sense here as my thoughts are so jumbled but I appreciate your response.
I've only just came across this thread. Harmony, you know where I am if you need to talk it through.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#9
Thanks for this reinforcement of the situation. I definitely know this to be true, but I can't stop feeling a pull in the other direction to self destruct. It is so strong. Also, another component you pointed out is the anticipatory anxiety which is a ruthless contender. A lot has happened, recently at work with the pandemic, while irrational I wish I would have passed right along with those who did not make it. It's all consuming.
I'm probably not making much sense here as my thoughts are so jumbled but I appreciate your response.
You are making perfect sense, it's quite obvious to me that you are an extremely strong character, for the feeling to self destruct being so strong then I would certainly want to be by your side should we ever have to go into a war situation together. I'll put money on it that you would become strangely calm when all hell was unleashing around you.

I made the reference to war because life is a battle, so many people on this planet walk around like a zombie, they get up, have breakfast, go to work, come home, have some food and go to bed. Saturdays they wash the car and Sundays cut the lawn. So routine in fact that they live there whole lives like it (and we think that we have problems)

This pandemic has caused a massive problem, but all you can do is protect yourself and be careful what information you take on board, especially from the media.
I'm not saying don't treat it seriously all I'm saying is protect yourself by not listening to everything they are trying to flood us with.
I changed complete direction when it all kicked off, I did something I had never done before, I started farming. It was a redundant farm and I am bringing it back to life. I have no clue what I'm doing either, I got some chickens and then I got 2 cockerels/roosters. All hell broke lose in the hen house when I introduced them all, even now one of the cockerels goes all Bruce Lee on me when I step into the chicken coop.
I'm growing veg, or I should say I'm trying to. Some stuff is coming up, other stuff is doing nothing, I'm completely out of my depth but I've changed direction completely for now. In other words I'm protecting myself, and that's all you can really do. If you're not right nothing will ever be right, including all the friends and family around you. One way of seeing that more clearly is to look in a mirror, if you see a stressed face then everybody else is going to see that as well. Yet change it to a smile and people change on just that alone.

Use this internal strength which is pulling at you in a negative way and flip it around, it just means you need to keep recognising it and challenging it when it comes at you. The more you do this then you will begin to notice the negative pull starts to fade.

I haven't got this all worked out at all, but this is all I do every day, it's not easy but I would rather be like I am than like one of those zombie type people I spoke about above.

 

Ash600

✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#10
What with you being on meds, I'm not going to suggest to have them reviewed, as it goes without saying you'll know yourself whether that's needed or not. You know yourself that they are merely an adjuvant in helping you to manage your situation better.

So cast your mind back to the convo we had last Saturday and how you felt a bit more calmer afterwards. Yes it was short lived, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Perhaps longer exposure to chatting about what's going on in your mind is what's needed. Anxiety feeds on a maelstrom of thoughts based on fears hypothesising on morbid outcomes. At times it can feel as if it's a self propagating phenomenon.

Maybe then, discussing your anxieties, bringing them into the open and dealing with each one in turn may help you to rationalise these thoughts. By making sense of them, it could help hopefully to discover logical conclusions and so dampen down your fears to at least more manageable levels.
 

Shade.

Well-Known Member
#12
Things are getting to be so much more than I can handle. The panic and depression. I don't want to live like this; I'm only ok for intermittent periods and then right back down again. I've tried to remain positive, distract myself, fake it, only to end up back in the same spot. I'm on medication. Everything feels so out of control inside and my world is such a dark place. There is nothing worth keeping me here. I don't have the energy to even try anymore and I don't care either. I just want peace.
I don't have much advice I can only to commiserate with you. Ive had stretches where I've felt good again but it seems meaningless when I end up in multiple week dark spells. I'm in therapy, on medication, tried all I can think of and it hasn't seemed to get me anywhere. I'm not sure it's worth it... the small oasis' of joy wrapped in such discomfort. At least you know you're not alone. *hug
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#13
I don't have much advice I can only to commiserate with you. Ive had stretches where I've felt good again but it seems meaningless when I end up in multiple week dark spells. I'm in therapy, on medication, tried all I can think of and it hasn't seemed to get me anywhere. I'm not sure it's worth it... the small oasis' of joy wrapped in such discomfort. At least you know you're not alone. *hug
*console*sadhug*shake
 

Harmony

Well-Known Member
SF Supporter
#14
I've always been determined and resilient. Maybe it has just gotten to be too much as there is only so much a person can handle and I don't have it in me anymore...I just don't. Why isn't it ok to accept I've accomplished what I wanted in this world and It's ok to let go?
 

Ash600

✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#15
I've always been determined and resilient. Maybe it has just gotten to be too much as there is only so much a person can handle and I don't have it in me anymore...I just don't. Why isn't it ok to accept I've accomplished what I wanted in this world and It's ok to let go?
Current circumstances have no doubt caused this feeling of being overwhelmed. To say it can be fatiguing is an understatement to say the least. There are times such as these where you may feel that drive and determination have abandoned you. The danger of course, is to let it spiral which could lead one to contemplate that letting go is an option. - Probably because it may currently seem to be the easiest one.

Why isn't it ok to accept I've accomplished what I wanted in this world and It's ok to let go?
By questioning this goes to prove that you do still have that spark within you and that there is more for you to do and acomplish. That's the part that refuses to succumb to whatever dark thoughts are swirling around inside your mind. That part that refuses to give up, that's what I call the "bastard mentality" which if harnessed can help to drag you through these troubling times as it has many others, including myself.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#16
I've always been determined and resilient. Maybe it has just gotten to be too much as there is only so much a person can handle and I don't have it in me anymore...I just don't. Why isn't it ok to accept I've accomplished what I wanted in this world and It's ok to let go?
Well it depends on a few things really. I only got to think about this after my attempt.

If you live a solitary life with no close friends/family or children then I guess it's ok to quit.

But only after I tried this and got found out did I get to realise that those left behind (kids/family/close friends) are so distraught that it runs the risk of them trying the same thing, or worse than that moving into the same ground as you're in with regards to feeling so overwhelmed & depressed with everything.

The trouble is though nobody thinks about that (me included when I tried it) and it was only afterwards I was told how much damage it would of done to certain close people.
Nowadays I just know life isn't forever anyway so in the meantime I'll just wait until it's naturally over and make the most of the cards I've been dealt!
 

Harmony

Well-Known Member
SF Supporter
#18
The Dr who was taking care of COVID patients in the hospital committed suicide and she had so much more to live for than me. I'm in no way suggesting it to be a "monkey see monkey do" situation but with my dad having passed from this virus now, I really have no one that would be deeply hurt..to lose me or even needs me. I love my niece and nephew but they will be fine with my sister and brother in law.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#20
The Dr who was taking care of COVID patients in the hospital committed suicide and she had so much more to live for than me. I'm in no way suggesting it to be a "monkey see monkey do" situation but with my dad having passed from this virus now, I really have no one that would be deeply hurt..to lose me or even needs me. I love my niece and nephew but they will be fine with my sister and brother in law.
Hi Harmony,

You are educated. You know the illness and medication. Hard to be ill and rationally know why you feel bad. I think you are right. Stressors are affecting your mental balance. Pandemic, suicide of colleague, loss of parent, . . . Those top the list. Can you take a break from your job? So many triggers there. Spend time doing self care.
 

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