Thanks for this reinforcement of the situation. I definitely know this to be true, but I can't stop feeling a pull in the other direction to self destruct. It is so strong. Also, another component you pointed out is the anticipatory anxiety which is a ruthless contender. A lot has happened, recently at work with the pandemic, while irrational I wish I would have passed right along with those who did not make it. It's all consuming.
I'm probably not making much sense here as my thoughts are so jumbled but I appreciate your response.
You are making perfect sense, it's quite obvious to me that you are an extremely strong character, for the feeling to self destruct being so strong then I would certainly want to be by your side should we ever have to go into a war situation together. I'll put money on it that you would become strangely calm when all hell was unleashing around you.
I made the reference to war because life is a battle, so many people on this planet walk around like a zombie, they get up, have breakfast, go to work, come home, have some food and go to bed. Saturdays they wash the car and Sundays cut the lawn. So routine in fact that they live there whole lives like it (and we think that we have problems)
This pandemic has caused a massive problem, but all you can do is protect yourself and be careful what information you take on board, especially from the media.
I'm not saying don't treat it seriously all I'm saying is protect yourself by not listening to everything they are trying to flood us with.
I changed complete direction when it all kicked off, I did something I had never done before, I started farming. It was a redundant farm and I am bringing it back to life. I have no clue what I'm doing either, I got some chickens and then I got 2 cockerels/roosters. All hell broke lose in the hen house when I introduced them all, even now one of the cockerels goes all Bruce Lee on me when I step into the chicken coop.
I'm growing veg, or I should say I'm trying to. Some stuff is coming up, other stuff is doing nothing, I'm completely out of my depth but I've changed direction completely for now. In other words I'm protecting myself, and that's all you can really do. If you're not right nothing will ever be right, including all the friends and family around you. One way of seeing that more clearly is to look in a mirror, if you see a stressed face then everybody else is going to see that as well. Yet change it to a smile and people change on just that alone.
Use this internal strength which is pulling at you in a negative way and flip it around, it just means you need to keep recognising it and challenging it when it comes at you. The more you do this then you will begin to notice the negative pull starts to fade.
I haven't got this all worked out at all, but this is all I do every day, it's not easy but I would rather be like I am than like one of those zombie type people I spoke about above.