Just want some advice... feeling used

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theonesatinthecorner, Oct 16, 2016.

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  1. theonesatinthecorner

    theonesatinthecorner In armour, I fight battles; I must win this war SF Supporter


    Its been a while (few months) since I last used this forum.

    Basically, I have been feeling quite down the last few days. I have been considering a lot of things I haven't for a while. Ranging from severe self harm to suicide itself. I won't go into more detail, because I can't, but yes...

    Anyway, I feel used. Essentially. I am in complete turmoil.

    I am an over qualified healthcare assistant, essentially, which does not bother me. I am happy to work in a job I am academically too bright for. That's not the bug bear. I am in a job, so that's something I suppose. So...

    I work in a hospital for people with mental health problems, its very specialist. Its an environment where I am pretty well expected to hide all my problems (which I have a hell of a lot of). The problem is, I am sick to death of not getting help. Perhaps that sounds selfish?

    I have BPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). I am currently experiencing severe psychosis, I have stopped taking my anti-depressants, because basically? They don't help. I have been denied counselling by the team who took my referral, because basically? I am not good enough... At least I assume that is why. Because they want me to die?

    I am on a stupidly long waiting list for help from a specialist team or two (one team the waiting list is 4 months + the other is 12 months +).

    I feel like the world is imploding. I feel like I help people, just to get it thrown back in my face.

    I feel like literally, I work so hard, in four different things, just to get ignored when I need help....

    Advice people? Am I pathetic for feeling this way? Because the voices in my head? They tell me that I am.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    First tell the voices they are wrong. There is nothing wrong for feeling as you do. It simply is how you feel.

    Stopping medication cold can be dangerous to your mental health. I would start taking it again but may at a reduction to help you ease off. Get in contact with your prescriber immediately and tell them everything.

    4 months is an exceptionally long time. Are there groups or other options available to you? Is there a case manager who can help you find some?
  3. theonesatinthecorner

    theonesatinthecorner In armour, I fight battles; I must win this war SF Supporter

    I have spoken to the doctor, who is very keen for me to restart my anti-depressants. He was very adamant that non-compliance would result in an alert to the psychiatrist who would be likely to consider sectioning, from self harm risk or something, which would only result in more medication. So apparently it is easier (for them?) if I return to taking my medication, and sure I'll feel bad for a few days going from none to full dose, but honestly, it is better than a psychotic breakdown. I don't think he entirely understands. I am a smart(ish) man, I may act like I am not but I am. I know what is the theoretically better option. But when I was last fully psychotic, my emotions levelled out a lot more. Maybe I just didn't notice them? I don't know, but I remember feeling oddly numb.

    With regard to other options? Not really, not that I have been made aware of.
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    You talked with your family doctor and not with the psychiatrist? I can understand why the doc wanted you back on your meds immediately and used threats to coerce compliance.

    Talk with your psychiatrist about med changes and about any help they can provide for expedited services.

    If a case manager is available to you I would use their services since their jobs revolve around finding options.
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