Discussion in 'I Need Empathy and Compassion (No advice wanted)' started by Innocent Forever, Jan 29, 2017.
Thanks @Ash600 @Kira @JacsMom @na-taya
Super tired and confused.
Tired. Exhausted. But, it's not physical. I mean, that too, not like I'm ever getting enough sleep I'm just so damn tired of it all. Life just seems to be such a drag, and, I just want it to stop, and it's not like it's even so bad, like, all is good, all is okay, but, I don't know, I just want of and I'm not being given that option.
Confused re therapy. It's messing with my head so much. I feel like I'm destined to constantly be hurt by AH and then try to explain to him what I am hurt by and get passed it. I'm not asking for advice about this because, it's really my issue. I don't even know what is or isn't my issue. But I can't ask for advice unless I can explain the entire situation. So I don't know what to do. I'm hurt by him. If I put myself in his shoes, for what happened on Sunday, it'd be 'she said something that at face value meant what I took it to mean, and when I replied to it she told me I misunderstood, I told her that it was fascinating how that could happen because I think it's important for her to see how she speaks and how the world understand her, and to her this is registering as 100 on the richter scale'. It's kind of making me laugh to put it in his words. To me what happened is that I told him I feel bad for him (when anything he was saying was just met with silence, I wasn't talking). He asked why and I couldn't answer. Later on I told him why, it was really brave of me to tell him why for it says so much that I don't feel ready to share. He dissed what I said and said something really hurtful. When I told him so he told me how fascinating it was and then put down instead of dealing with the fact that he said something that hurt me, even though there is nothing he could've done to make it right............ I know it. And, I don't know. I don't know what I want. And yeah it's mostly my issue. Mostly because, because fact is that it is what it is and I need him to deal with it in a way that I can cope with and I don't know. So that's what's with AH. And he misunderstood me either way. And I don't know. And I gained weight. A lot. And I don't want to because it makes me feel fat even though I'm not fat and I don't even care if I am it just makes me feel like I look ugly although I know that I don't and look pregnant although I don't know if I do or don't and I don't know. And I just don't want to try.
And the world is good. Life is good. Or, it may not be, but I'm really doing so much better than I ever was. I'm not messing up with anything. I'm living in the world. I'm not tuning out as constantly as I was - used to constantly tune out, now I actually sometimes notice before I do that I'm about to, and, stay with it. That only happened once, but, it's so major that it happened. And I don't know. But it just doesn't seem worth it. and I'm tired and confused and tired and tired and tired. And I don't know what I want and have been ranting I guess. And I'm no clearer on what I want. I guess I don't need to know. But, yeah, whatever. Thanks for listening if you bothered to.
Hi. Just hope u feel better. U brighten our mornings every day and I want to thank u for doing that. U do so much good around here and u are obviously a truly lovely person. Thank u for all u do for us. Sending peaceful vibes your way.
What does AH mean? Amazing hubby???
Thanks for posting!
Just wondering that the tiredness and confusion may be because you are tuned in and so experiencing so much more than before? As the more you get used to it, to borrow one of your quotes, it too will pass, and the confusion and tiredness will dampen down.
AH are the initials of my therapist, and that's what I mostly call him. I never call him by name, but I think of him as AH.
Thanks. I wonder. I guess we'll never know, but, it makes it logically easier to think that it is.
Not really tuned in, but definitely am a whole lot more than ever was.
Annoyed and frustrated.
I need a break. Now.
Thought of going away for the weekend, Thursday night until Sunday. I asked AH his opinion. He said that he ain't enthralled at the idea of me going away alone where no one knows me, basically, being isolated for so long. And, that's kinda the reason I asked him although I wouldn't have been able to put it into words. Because, it has the potential - going away alone - of being extremely positive, or extremely negative. Or both - which wouldn't matter as long as I don't act on anything. Which I don't think I would do, but still. It's like, is the fact that I need a break, that I really need a break, worth going away alone for 3 days and taking the risk. It's only a risk. For it doesn't have to be an issue. It could be awesome to be alone and it could be that I won't go spiralling in my head (like I have been doing the past few days). Though yeah planning to go out Sunday and take off Friday work and see if can do something, but just annoyed about it. Coz' I planned it. Knew where I would go et al. And now I think I've decided not to. I know I've decided not to. And I'm disappointed and frustrated, and it's so insignificant.
Just finding it all so hard. I think just the living in this world business. Nothing specific. Just living with reality. Eating too much junk. At least I'm turning to that and nothing else but have to stop. Argh. Oh well.
I feel like it's way past the end of the week. But somehow it's only Wednesday today. Still Wednesday. Oh well.
I hate this world and everyone in it.
There is no sugar. And no cornflakes. So I can't make food I wanted to.
I can't go away for the weekend coz' of the risk (planned sunday out with a friend instead which will be nice, but just want to be away kinda like now). Or that's how AH sees it. Not that he's telling me what to do. I don't know what I think. I think it is a risk, but kinda who cares? (I care, I guess)
'We think the 2 of you are so the type, we were talking about it...' oh, thanks for telling me that you speak about me. What else do you have to say about me?
My tooth is agony. Yet again. Have an appointment on Monday for this root treatment, which I'm not looking forward to. Sorry. Sorry. So excited for it, it'll be such fun.
And, I don't know. Everything is good. Really. But just, I don't know... It's too much and I want out and, I also don't, but I do and I don't and I do and I don't.
Just tired. And stressed. And it's too much. And I know it'll pass. Or I'm believing that, but, but yah.........
It's not fair that she's hurting. It's not.
She's helpless. Not completely incapacitated but hurting and can't do anything about it.
I can't drink in front of her for she can't swallow (and that gave her pneumonia). Yeah, she'll hopefully get better. But it's not fair.
and maybe it's coz' we weren't there for her ever. She wanted to be loved, to be cared for, to be wanted, this way, being in hospital, she gets our time, she gets us to be with her, she's not constantly alone as she always was.
If I can't handle it this much, how much can't she handle it????
* Hugs *
I hate that I'm messing with food. Not really. Just obsessing about throwing up and not eating as much, doesn't have to mean anything and it can still mean nothing.
I know it's not so but it kinda takes away all I've done until now.
Just breathe Inno, just breathe. Need a way to handle life and I don't have the tools....
Breathing is a way to handle life so keep on breathing. I could start taking about nirvanha (the sanskrit meaning and not the rock band) but it's Monday and my brain is not geared up for this at the moment.
What you are currently going through does not take away all that you have accomplished until now. As if you look at it, it shows you can attain what you wish to accomplish.
I think the title says it all
Just want someone to come and hold me and promise me it'll get better and everything will sort itself out.
Let the storm pass, without rain, nothing grows.
Everything will likely sort itself out in time. Sending tons of hugs your way @Innocent Forever
:grouphug1: for all.
Thanks @Lulabelle @Ash600 @Karmitkurmit @shania @Shadowlands
Honestly, I've spent enough time crying. That's something AH gave to me. He hurt me enough (even if he didn't do anything wrong) that I've actually been crying. I've never cried. I dunno how to cry. Crying isn't safe. He gave me of gift. Of tears. Which is kinda ironic. And I'm tired of crying over him. Any time I try to think what to do about therapy with him I just end up in tears. So I try not to think about it. He doesn't deserve the tears. And he's not worth messing my life up over. I want to escape how much it hurts. He doesn't deserve it. And I know I've done all the wrecking of the relationship but doesn't help. Whatever, as they say. Not sure why I've been rambling.... and yeah I just want to cry right now. It will sort itself out. It has to.