Just want some hugs


What will be will be
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Sorry you're feeling down about your therapist Inno. Crying can actually be pretty cathartic if not done to excess, but i'm happy you're not letting what happened dictate how you go forward. Keep on keeping on and I know you'll get there one day :)

Sending lots of hugs your way

Innocent Forever

Go as long as you can. And then take another step.
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Why do I find everything so damn HARD?
Everything that seemingly everyone else finds so easy.
Like making a fool of myself in front of others.
Like wrecking every relationship I've been involved in. Almost every. I've still got 3 friends.
I worked it out with AH. He hadn't done anything wrong. I just couldn't handle it. So instead of telling him what was going on for me I tried to push him away. I'm not sure why he hasn't yet run away. It's made me realize how messed up I am when it comes to relationships. It's not just relationships though. It's everything. And just, why????????
I'm not really asking. Everything just hurts and, it seems so unfair. And it's not only that it's unfair, it's that I want to be handling it.
I want to want to live in this world.
I don't want to be wondering if it's worth it to spend money on something for my room 'for how long will I be here to make it worth it for'. Hell yeah it's worth it. Even if I'd end up destroying myself the next day. And I feel guilty that I think that way. Enough that I couldn't write killing myself. Whatever.
I don't want to have someone tell me they're not comfortable with something and ignore them without realizing that hellooo what on earth? Yeah I didn't care. And she didn't say she was uncomfortable. I was talking with A about doing something the way B wanted - tracking. About B in front of her. B said, you know, I'm here. I just continued... and she said it again. And I continued... whatever. I hate that I could do that. (just left her a whatsapp voice message saying it wasn't nice of me).
I hate how much I eat.
Gosh. Should stop seeing what I hate and rather what I like.
Except that I don't like anything about myself at the moment.
I'm loyal. I shouldn't be, then I wouldn't feel I have to keep on trying.
I'm honest. I shouldn't be, for I'm honest to the point of brutality (as one of my 3 friends just told me. Brutally honest, she said, stressing the brutally.
Everything is covered with a film. I wish it weren't. I can't remove the film for it's just there.......... and probably will be so long as I'm turning to anything at all to escape, and whatever, can't not.
Enough complaining. Everything is wonderful. Just that I haven't been choosing to focus on it.
Everyone is awesome.
D'you ever feel like you're about to break?
Like you're in freefall waiting to see what'll happen?
Hi lovely, I think I know the feeling - at the minute my heart and head are racing so fast but focusing on nothing. It feels like I’m about to faint for no reason. I’ve been reading your posts and it seems you are overwhelmed - possible to the point of emotional exhaustion. I’m not clever like the others with advice, Innocent, but I can honestly tell you that my heart is with you right now. I want to come over and hug you till you fall asleep. Folk on here love you so much - you have helped me time and time again sometimes by just reading what you post to others. Try to stay strong sweetheart. You are so special .... I just wish you could actually feel all the hugs zooming your way from SF xxxx
D'you ever feel like you're about to break?
Like you're in freefall waiting to see what'll happen?
Yes.. A lot of the time. Like I’m out of control and some awful thing is about to happen, even though the rational part of my brain knows it isn’t. I guess it’s classic anxiety but sometimes it’s so uncomfortable all I can think about is how to make it stop (which nearly always involves some substance.)

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