Super tired and confused.
Tired. Exhausted. But, it's not physical. I mean, that too, not like I'm ever getting enough sleep
I'm just so damn tired of it all. Life just seems to be such a drag, and, I just want it to stop, and it's not like it's even so bad, like, all is good, all is okay, but, I don't know, I just want of and I'm not being given that option.
Confused re therapy. It's messing with my head so much. I feel like I'm destined to constantly be hurt by AH and then try to explain to him what I am hurt by and get passed it. I'm not asking for advice about this because, it's really my issue. I don't even know what is or isn't my issue. But I can't ask for advice unless I can explain the entire situation. So I don't know what to do. I'm hurt by him. If I put myself in his shoes, for what happened on Sunday, it'd be 'she said something that at face value meant what I took it to mean, and when I replied to it she told me I misunderstood, I told her that it was fascinating how that could happen because I think it's important for her to see how she speaks and how the world understand her, and to her this is registering as 100 on the richter scale'. It's kind of making me laugh to put it in his words. To me what happened is that I told him I feel bad for him (when anything he was saying was just met with silence, I wasn't talking). He asked why and I couldn't answer. Later on I told him why, it was really brave of me to tell him why for it says so much that I don't feel ready to share. He dissed what I said and said something really hurtful. When I told him so he told me how fascinating it was and then put down instead of dealing with the fact that he said something that hurt me, even though there is nothing he could've done to make it right............ I know it. And, I don't know. I don't know what I want. And yeah it's mostly my issue. Mostly because, because fact is that it is what it is and I need him to deal with it in a way that I can cope with and I don't know. So that's what's with AH. And he misunderstood me either way. And I don't know. And I gained weight. A lot. And I don't want to because it makes me feel fat even though I'm not fat and I don't even care if I am it just makes me feel like I look ugly although I know that I don't and look pregnant although I don't know if I do or don't and I don't know. And I just don't want to try.
And the world is good. Life is good. Or, it may not be, but I'm really doing so much better than I ever was. I'm not messing up with anything. I'm living in the world. I'm not tuning out as constantly as I was - used to constantly tune out, now I actually sometimes notice before I do that I'm about to, and, stay with it. That only happened once, but, it's so major that it happened. And I don't know. But it just doesn't seem worth it. and I'm tired and confused and tired and tired and tired. And I don't know what I want and have been ranting I guess. And I'm no clearer on what I want. I guess I don't need to know. But, yeah, whatever. Thanks for listening if you bothered to.