Why do I find everything so damn HARD?
Everything that seemingly everyone else finds so easy.
Like making a fool of myself in front of others.
Like wrecking every relationship I've been involved in. Almost every. I've still got 3 friends.
I worked it out with AH. He hadn't done anything wrong. I just couldn't handle it. So instead of telling him what was going on for me I tried to push him away. I'm not sure why he hasn't yet run away. It's made me realize how messed up I am when it comes to relationships. It's not just relationships though. It's everything. And just, why????????
I'm not really asking. Everything just hurts and, it seems so unfair. And it's not only that it's unfair, it's that I want to be handling it.
I want to want to live in this world.
I don't want to be wondering if it's worth it to spend money on something for my room 'for how long will I be here to make it worth it for'. Hell yeah it's worth it. Even if I'd end up destroying myself the next day. And I feel guilty that I think that way. Enough that I couldn't write killing myself. Whatever.
I don't want to have someone tell me they're not comfortable with something and ignore them without realizing that hellooo what on earth? Yeah I didn't care. And she didn't say she was uncomfortable. I was talking with A about doing something the way B wanted - tracking. About B in front of her. B said, you know, I'm here. I just continued... and she said it again. And I continued... whatever. I hate that I could do that. (just left her a whatsapp voice message saying it wasn't nice of me).
I hate how much I eat.
Gosh. Should stop seeing what I hate and rather what I like.
Except that I don't like anything about myself at the moment.
I'm loyal. I shouldn't be, then I wouldn't feel I have to keep on trying.
I'm honest. I shouldn't be, for I'm honest to the point of brutality (as one of my 3 friends just told me. Brutally honest, she said, stressing the brutally.
Everything is covered with a film. I wish it weren't. I can't remove the film for it's just there.......... and probably will be so long as I'm turning to anything at all to escape, and whatever, can't not.
Enough complaining. Everything is wonderful. Just that I haven't been choosing to focus on it.
Everyone is awesome.