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Just want to die

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The title says it all, and to be honest, I don't recall a time in my life where I didn't feel this way. What's it like to be happy?

I had a miserable childhood that I will never be able to just let go. My parents fought constantly, causing me unimaginable anxiety everyday. It wasn't the fact that they were fighting; it was the noise. Why couldn't they just shut the fuck up? On top of that, they felt the need to beat me when I was too small to fight back. That wasn't so bad though. It was the yelling that killed me inside. When I look back at pictures of myself, I see an emotionally crippled boy who was just the result of bad circumstances. There's never a smile on my face.

Right now I live alone, have no friends, no hobbies, have never had a girl like me (despite my overtures), and am studying in a program I hate. On any given day, I'll say between 20 and 50 words, and I'll only speak out of necessity. If I could have it my way, I'd just sleep all day. I only get up because I have to survive (via school and work). There have been so many times where I thought I would end it. When I was a kid (here we go again) I intentionally starved myself for months in hopes that I would just die from malnutrition. I became a skeleton, and even stunted my growth. However, I did eventually regain my health (and started growing again, thus reaching my genetic height potential). I couldn't care less though. Tall, short... what's the difference? Either way, I'm miserable.

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from posting this. It's not like I'm going to experience some sort of catharsis out of it. I guess I'm just an emotionally immature, vulnerable young man who wants to be coddled. It's sad, it really is.
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sounds a bit like me, live alone. Its been about two months that ive just been alone and alone. Go to uni 1 day a week. Hardly talk during days. want to die but can't. No happiness, no nothing. I also live in this discusting hostel. What i do is just try to move forward. Eat, study, sleep, eat, study, sleep. also, i eat if i have food. so to put it simply: suffer suffer and suffer.

Ill do my best and try to get through this. And if there is no light at the end then i guess its my fate and fck it all then.


Staff Alumni
First, let me welcome you to the forum. I am glad you found us and had the courage to post how you were feeling. I was wondering if you had ever sought any professional help for your childhood issues? It is not that we let the memories go, it is that we learn how to process them and deal with them in a way that we can go on. You said you were in a program you hated. Any way you can change that and study something you like? Maybe making some small adjustments in your lifestyle can make a vast difference. I truly do hope things get better for you. Take care and don't give up. :hug:


The biggest loser ever to live.
I'd like to say that I also have no friends, never had and probably never will have a girlfriend/significant other. I just go to university, go to class, study a b it thats it and everyone else has such rich, fulfilling lives at college and I hate it, I hate them, I know I shouldn't, why am I so inferior?

My parents have fought very very little in my childhood but even the yelling caused me so much pain, I'm so emotionally weak as well, even if they fight now that I'm 19, I still feel like I'm 8 years old again and they are fighting and it causes me the same amount of pain, even though they very rarely fight. :sad:
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