Just Want To End It

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by XxBrokenTearsxX, Jul 28, 2008.

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  1. I just want to go to the store and buy my supplies and say Im done. I feel so down right now. I'm bipolar and have been depressed since winter. My depressions have never lasted through the summer until this year. My antidepressents clearly aren't working and I've been changing doses and meds for quite awhile now. They put me on Topamax not too long ago and its not doing anything. I still feel the same way. My quality of life just sucks. Im in hell. Ive been through so many med changes it is unbelievable. I just want to give up. It seems much easier that way. I feel numb and depressed most of the time and not motivated to do anything. I have so much pain inside of me too on a day to day basis. I feel so hopeless right now. Like I'm defective or something. And I should die because of it. Just be put in the rubbish pile. Because I am rubbish.

    Plus, my boyfriend is away from me right now and its really hard. He's in an inpatient mental health facility for his problems and has been for months. We dont know how long he's going to be there. We used to do everything together. I wish he was with me right now. I really love him. He was the one I leaned on for support the most.I miss him a lot. :( It seems like he'll never come back to me. :( Maybe I'm the reason he broke down and had problems. Another reason why I shouldn't be here.
     
  2. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    i guess we depressed people always feel like EVERYTHING is our fault. I just give u hugglez and hoppe you make it thru ok.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Depression will drag you down. Sometimes I am o.k. energy wise and other days I can't hardly get out of bed. I find myself thinking negative thoughts because I have no energy, and I get down on myself. I end up going to sleep and everytime I wake up I get up walk around the house and go right back to bed. by the next day I feel a little better. Suicide is easy living is hard. I hope you feel better soon!!
     
  4. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    I am guilty of this too... but listen to your self talk? Your telling yourself that you are rubbish and you are believing what you tell yourself.

    Even if you dont feel like it... look in the mirror every day and say to yourself that your worthwhile, not perfect and a decent human being. You wont believe it at first but your telling yourself something positive... and you got to let that work in your mind.

    If you don't do this... then ask yourself if you want to remain depressed and if not you got to do something different to change the way you are or nothing will happen. Get out of the house, take some walks around your neighborhood... just get out.

    I been in 14 hospitals and had 4 attempts. I am telling you this from personal experience... if I want to change... only I can make it happen. Same with all of us here... we have to cry out, let go, and move on... or eventually we die.

    If we wanted to die, we would not be posting here, we would just go out and do it.

    I am in counseling now... that is my lifeline. I actually find hope in finding a purpose for my life just being around to help other people. It makes me happy to know that someone can learn something and avoid the mistakes I have made over the years. It makes the pain in my life a little bit lighter.

    I put a gun in my mouth 2 years ago... and broke down and cried. I learned after 4 attempts I really wanted to live... but could not cope with the pain. I did not start to change till I was willing to make a decision to change or just die in my tears. For now I am fighting to live... but my next attempt, will be successful because I am well prepared this time. But I want to focus on fighting to live... and even though I am prepared to die... I still want to live because I deserve a better life than the one served to me. I should not have to die to make it easier on those who abused me. Nor should anyone who has been through a violent life.

    The key is to choose to change. You must get to the point where you can not go any further... either you choose life... or you close your eyes and never wake again. That might sound alluring... but is it? Is it really? If death was worth dying for; we all should be dead right now... so why do we choose to live? Is it not because we are brave... because we are strong and have hope in a better tomorrow? Is it not because we are infact training to become the next generations leaders? One can not lead unless one has been tested through the fires of hell. We have.. and we are stronger emotionally than most others around us. This is not a time to give up; this is a time to fight and overcome.

    Now that I said this... do I really believe it? Personally, I have a shaky belief in this... but I am still in the fire and I am not healed yet. Maybe I never will completely recover. The silver lining is that people who are wounded can really empathize with other people who are suffering too. If we did not know pain, we can not encourage others because we would not care to help others... pain has a way of giving you eyes to see and ears to hear.
     
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