just want to give up

[*dilligaf*]

its really all i want
why wont people just admit they dont care about me? why wont they tell me its okay to go?
ive brought pills, them and what i have here...should be enough.
im loosing the strength to be able to not take them
and now im crying..never a good sign..first sign that im letting things out. and i know where thet always ends up.
please just tell me how much you REALLY hate me, how you DONT care if i go :cry:

 

[Guy Incognito XI]

its really all i want
why wont people just admit they dont care about me? why wont they tell me its okay to go?
ive brought pills, them and what i have here...should be enough.
im loosing the strength to be able to not take them
and now im crying..never a good sign..first sign that im letting things out. and i know where thet always ends up.
please just tell me how much you REALLY hate me, how you DONT care if i go :cry:

...

Hi I am new here. I'm not sure how this forum works, but I won't give you cliches.

You want to hurt yourself. You hate yourself. You really hate yourself. You have not done anything to anyone. Things haven't worked out in your life. You struggle on day after day and now you are tired. You feel completely alone and you feel like no one can understand you. Now you want to call it a day. Say goodbye.

Maybe that's how you feel, I know that's how I feel.

You want somebody in this world to make you feel like you have some worth. Right now you feel so worthless. There has never been anyone in your life special. There is no one now. Just for one night you want to hold and be held. Nothing sexual, just feel loved. To close your eyes and feel at one with another person in their arms. To hold them so tightly and absorb their strength, warmth and love.

Maybe that's what you dream of, I know that's what i dream of.

 

[letdown]

I don't know you sam, but I don't hate you at all. :hug: I saw your posts in the coffee house and I can see you are hurting. I wish I had the words to make it all better.

Like Guy Incognito suggests, people can empathise with what you're going through, if that is any help or comfort.

Do you have any Crisis Team that you could call up and have a talk?

 

[*dilligaf*]

Thank you both,

Letdown, no I dont have a crisis team.

I have slept now and am feeling ever so slightly better-it's ususally short-lived...maybe I do deserve all this

 

[Terry]

Hang in there Sam :hug: :hug: :hug: we're here for you

 

[letdown]

Why do you think you deserve all this pain? :hug:

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

I care. You deserve the very best in this world. Please hang in there, we are here for you. :hug:

 

[*dilligaf*]

Letdown, cos im a horrible person who's hurt too many people.

Its my birthday today and all i can think about is killing myself. says a lot doesnt it :cry:

Ty carolyn xx

 

[letdown]

But doesn't the knowledge that you're aware of the possibility that you've hurt people some comfort as to how much you do feel and you are aware of your actions, as so many people seem to go blindly around hurting others and not taking responsibility?

Also sam, when people are depressed and suicidal, there is an element of hurting people no matter what you do- because you're in a lot of pain. I'm not sure exactly how you think you've hurt people but when I read your posts I see someone who is very aware of herself and beating herself up about things. I don't know your situation. But I don't think you're a horrible person, I think you're hurting and feeling awful about yourself.

How do you think you've hurt others?

Birthdays can be awful, really awful. :hug: How old are you today?

 

[Marshmallow]

I'm not gonna tell you its okay to go and i'm not gonna tell you that i don't care because I'd be lying. Because i DO care and you know i do. I've told you so many times. I think its time you started believing me. You've never hurt me and i don't think you ever will. IF i was to ever get hurt then i'm willing to take that, your friendship means more to me than the prospect of MAYBE getting hurt.

Please take care hun, you know where i am anytime you need me and i mean ANYTIME.

Viks x

 

[smackh2o]

I can tell you're not the sort of person who deliberatly sets out to hurt people, if you have even hurt anyone that is. We all make mistakes, we say things wrong or do things and the consequences can make us feel like we do nothing right. But it is not all like that surely. You seem very down right now, and you sound like your mood yoyos by what you said about your sadness being shortlived. But it will keep coming back though won't it?
Right now the best thing you can do for yourself is stop thinking your a horrible person because you know it's not true. No one thinks your horrible here and if they do then sod them
Learn to love yourself, think about the good things you do, I know there is some. How long have you been feeling these sadness 'cycles', and are they getting more frequent or stronger?

 

[*dilligaf*]

Letdown, thank you for everything you said. I am 20 today btw.

Viks, thank you hun. Love you xx

H2o, the 'cycles' are not really getting more frequent but they are lasting longer. I am finding it much harder to drag myself out of them

 

[smackh2o]

Are you taking any meds for them at all, or have you not been to the docs yet? It's important that if you are depressed you know the difference between depression and sadness. Depression is the sort of thing that makes us feel like shit so bad we want to die. And you sound pretty depressed to me.
It's a bad sign that they are lasting longer, sorry, i;m not trying to worry you about it, but you need to think positivly about life and getting yourself happier. Happiness matters. And when your in places where you want to die the last thing on your mind is getting better. It's that resignation that's makes us feel like giving up and not caring what happens. But you deserve help if your not already getting it, and if you are getting it then you deserve better help.
I really hope you can get through this.

 

[*dilligaf*]

Hi, I have seen my doctor, I am on 20mg Citalopram. Have been on them for two weeks. I have my next appointment two weeks yesterday. Just need to get that far now :unsure:

 

[Marshmallow]

Ahem! you are gonna make it that far and im gonna make damn sure you do!

:arms:

 

[smackh2o]

Wow, I went on citalopram 3.5 weeks ago. I was really up and down for those first 2 weeks, and I had insomnia, but they seem to be getting better. Wait it out, they take 2 weeks to get into your system but maybe a bit longer to start doing anything.