Just want to know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Distressed, Mar 7, 2010.

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  1. Distressed

    Distressed Member

    I just want to know... im so confused. Im Depressed. I had a very... troubling conversation with my wife. One minute she was happy, telling me how much she loved me. Then the next how much she hates me and how she no longer wants me. That shes bored. That i am worthless and so on. We had a miscarriage two years ago and she mentioned how relieved she was that she didnt have it. That she would be stuck with me for the rest of her life. She is out of town visiting her father and her best friend committed suicide last year almost to date. This is the second time shes flipped out on me in the past three weeks like this. She apologized quickly last time. But this time she said so much more. And it was so much more personal. I've looked up several ways that would make things easier for me, and easier for her to move on. I already don't have a good outlook on life at the moment. I was laid off, I had legal problems. I just found a new job and pulled myself out of the legal issues. I can;t take the roller coaster feeling anymore. This is the second time. I already have an ulcer that if it doesnt get better i will need to undergo surgery. It is quite painful and it is increased by stress. I just want someone to say something. Anything. My wife thinks that i lie to her, which i dont. Im so upset i cannot even release by sobbing. I don't know what to do. I dont want my wife to know because her friend who committed suicide last year. I dont want her under any other pressure. All my friends are also hers. So i cannot talk to them. Just say something.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I hear you and hear how stressed you are and how overwhelmed and alone you feel right now.

    Has your wife had any sort of support to help her cope with the miscarriage and also her friend? Have you and her thought about anything like marriage counselling?

    Do you think having someone like a therapist may benefit you?

    Please keep talking if you feel it helps.
  3. Distressed

    Distressed Member

    I have thought about counseling but we really can't afford it just yet. She is doing EMT classes which are costing an arm and a leg. I have been laid off for a bit and have been depending on my bank account to get us by. I just landed a new job but I wont have income on it for a couple weeks. I know she pushes away when she gets stressed out, but this is just so much more than she's done before and the only times shes ever flown off the handle like this is when she is out of town visiting her mother or father. She never does this in person and very rarely over the phone, yet she seems to give herself just cause to do it as long as it is via the internet. She is a very loving and caring person so it really throws me a curveball when she says an hours worth of things meant simply to hurt. And, like anyone who knows someone deeply, she knows just what to say to toss me over the edge. I just dont know what to think or do. I probably sound whiny but there are so many details that are lost in the translation. It is very hard to hear the "I love yous" and the "lets start a family" followed immediately by "I hate you" and "go kill yourself and dont mess up this time".
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for how much you're hurting right now. I hope you'll continue to post and talk to us.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You don't sound whiney in the slightest. You sound like someone who is understandably distressed by what is going on in your relationship.

    Maybe counselling might be one to think about for the future? Also, I don't know what country you are in, but there may be charities or free counselling around, or support groups that may be appropriate.

    Have you tried talking to her about what is going on for her and what causes these out bursts?
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't sound whiney. You're hurting, and that's totally understandable.

    I think seeking counseling is a good idea. Or talking to her face-to-face when she's not attacking you, to see if she has an explanation or even remembers how she acted toward you.
  7. Distressed

    Distressed Member

    I live in the United States. And if she has these outbursts she usually becomes very apologetic after she comes to her senses. The disturbing part is that I am very quick to forgive her, due to how much i care for her. I don't like seeing her upset and so i let it pass by without a seconds notice when she apologizes. I dont know if perhaps i should talk to her more about the ramifications of these outbursts but at the same time i dont want to guilt trip her. -shakes head- this time it was just a bit more vicious and it really gets me wondering about the whole thing. about how long shes felt this way, or if its just another outburst. Get's me wondering why i try anymore. it really feels like i've accomplished nothing lately except the new-found drama with my wife. She doesnt need that and i know her parents have quickly dropped opinion of me. That really doesnt help seeing as how her parent's acceptance has always been very valued by myself.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think its important to talk to her and try to find out why she has these outbursts, what triggers them, etc, and also it IS important to let her know that they hurt you. Actions have consequences and she does need to understand that what she does does impact on you and that sorry does not make it all ok again; you are left dealing with the pain and confusion of what she said.

    Try to pick a calm moment to talk to her, or maybe write her a letter.

    It sounds, from what you said, like she is trying to hurt you- for whatever reason. Now, it could be something triggers an emotion and she doesn't know how to deal with it (such as anger, sadness, fear), it could be that something has triggered it and whatever the trigger was was 'the straw that broke the camels back' so to speak and maybe its all bubbling under the surface and something brings it out, it may be that she has not dealt with those horrendous things she (and you, with regards to the miscarriage), have gone through. It does, however, sound sort of typical of an abusive environment for you. Whatever her reasons, she is still being abusive, and the quick apology is also pretty 'classic'. Is there a risk this could turn violent from her side?

    Does she do this with anyone else, or just you?

    Whilst you forgive her so quickly, that's not actually beneficial for her because there's no want or need to change the behaviour because there are no consequences, and this is why I think it is important to talk to her and tell her how it makes you feel so that she realises there are consequences and it is improtant for her to know she is hurting you. It's not designed to be a guilt trip, just so that she understands how things are for you. Likewise, its important to try and understand how things are for her.
  9. Distressed

    Distressed Member

    No, theres no real danger of things turning violent on her side. Im quite a bit bigger than she is as i am over a foot taller and i work out quite alot. She is the nicest thing in the world when shes in front of me. Shes always very kind and loving. I dont know why she gets this way when shes out of town. Her parents are hard on her, and i know thats stressful. I know it sounds bad, but when this happens with her, i wish taht there were some accident to where i wind up in the hospital. I know forcing something like that to happen would only make matters worse between my wife and i, so i find myself wishing for an unintentional happenstance to where i find myself waking up in the hospital. If shes there then i know she cares. If shes not there then i can pretty much assume what she says is the truth and then i can let her go and leave her alone. I have spent so much of my time with her that im not sure what i would do without her. I dont want her to be my personal crutch. I dont want to put extra burden on her or my family. and thats what i feel like when this happens. I cant go to my family without their personal feelings affecting my relationship. So i wind up by myself googling things i really shouldnt be. Usually a warm shower is a great release. I can do anything in the shower and feel slightly better. But its not helping. Ive drank a bit tonight and its not helping either. I quit smoking 4 months ago but unfortunately i started up again tonight. I know that is going to piss my wife off more. It just seems to be cascading.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Size doesn't matter when it comes to violence. Make sure that if it does turn violent that you do everything you can to keep yourself safe.

    Has talking on here helped?

    Could you maybe start to look for activities and friends outside of your relationship and friendship group? Maybe pick up some hobbies? Or volunteering? Or, like previously suggested, support groups? It might help to have others around.

    When this happens, that is NOT you causing the burden. The burden is her behaviour. You are a victim of that.
  11. Distressed

    Distressed Member

    I know that i've been on this website before when i hit some rough spots but i have no idea what the username and password was. What happens if all you know disappears and what your left with is confusion? Because if she leaves, i have no idea what to do with my life... one part of me just wants to throw it all away, the other fears taht this is some sort of sick test to see how im going to react. And i dont want to fail that test. she doesnt really pull this with anyone else that i know of. Not her family or friends. I know she gets upset with them but usually when she gets upset with them, she vents to me about it and i can give some sort of outside opinion about it. She mellows out and that is that. But with me she doesnt really tell anyone so theres nobody there to tell her that shes being irrational or childish. Then i have to worry about what shes going to do in the mean time of her outburst. I trust her with everything and shes proven that shes able to have that trust, but it really makes me wonder when this happens. i dont know what to believe because she says both extremes. I cannot sift thru the BS and the truth when that happens. if what she says when she flilps out is the truth, then i feel like ive lost everything. My best and only friend, my wife, the mother of my future children, and the reason that i work to better myself. I lost her once due to my actions and it nearly killed me. Im unsure of what to do. Do i fight for what i love? Do i get mad? do i get hurt? Or do i simply reassure her of how much i care for her in case the reason shes doing this is because she is feeling inadequate. Im just so confused. It feels like my whole life is being torn apart at the seams.
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think you need to talk to her. Very honestly and you both need to hear what the other has to say.

    Your relationship is not just about her, which is what it seems to be from what you say, you have to realise you are in it too and its ok for you to say what you think and feel and be honest with her.

    I wonder if maybe she acts this way with you because she knows she can 'get away' with it and no one else would take it?

    I also think that starting to look for a life outside her would be healthy, not just because it gives you something if you and her split up, but it gives you some space and maybe some times to build some confidence and esteem, as well as add some more interests into your life.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you have to put up with that rubbish...
    you sound like a very kind , fogiving person....
    I going to be really blunt here though..she needs help...
    she needs to see a therapist to work through whatever (maybe the miscarriage ) it is that is making her take her anger out on you...
    sounds like she has a lot of issues that need to be dealt with at a therapists office not unloading on you....
    take care of yourself....
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