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Just want to let it all out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by No1_knows_me, Sep 30, 2010.

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  1. No1_knows_me

    No1_knows_me Active Member


    I just felt like I have to write this, maybe it helps me clear my thoughts a bit.

    Nothing interests me anymore. I just repeat the same routins every day. I get up late, maybe past 12, depending on school. I skip lectures since I'm not forced to go there to pass the courses. Might not be a smart idea but I don't have what it takes to get back to "normal" day rhytm. If I have something I can't skip, I do go there. Unwillingly but still. If I have nothing, I turn on the computer, spend a few hours online and then switch to my 360 and play till 5am. That's when I get to sleep wishing I was someone else.

    Wow, I have such a great life. I always want to change the way things are going. I put the alarm clock to wake me up at, say, 9am, but then after 10 minutes I make it 9:30. Then a bit later 10. Then finally 13:30. Then the same routine just repeats. When someone asks me how I'm doing, I just tell them I'm doing fine. What I would like to tell them is that nothing's okay and that I just wanna jump off a building or something. Different day, same shit.

    I really DO want something else but I just seem to be unable to do any changes. and then again I'm not sure if I even wanna try. I often think that life's just not for me and that it would be better without me. Only my parents would miss me and they're old, you'd be surprised how old they are. It's not like they'd miss me for the next 40 years. I actually have plans for suicide, all I now need is the courage to make them come true. And I also need to make sure the way I'm gonna use is failproof.

    I feel guilty for my situation. I guess there are no "good enogh" reasons for me to feel like this. Well, okay, I only have 1 friend, my parents and some animals so I'm lonely. And now that I live in another city I can't even see them that often. Junior high school was pure hell as well. I was bullied for 3 years non stop. Eventually I just felt like I wanna take an axe with me and decapitate that one boy who was the cause of it all. I hate people who bully, they just don't seem to understand what it can cause. But yeah, other than that... I'm healthy, I do have loving parents, we're not poor, I have a place to study, none of the people that are close to me have died and so on. But still I feel like every day I'm trying to push through a 1.5m shit layer.

    I rarely feel happy. If I really think about it, only games make me happy nowdays, mainly only if I get an achievement or complete some game. when I found out I was accepted to university my parents were like "omg this is so awesome, I'm so proud of you!!" I just wanted to get back to sleep. I felt nothing. Well, maybe I felt a bit angry. It was so simple to just stay home. I guess it could've been better for me. I would've had time to think about stuff, like what I want from my future. I feel like everyone else has plans for their future and everything's good. If they weren't accepted to some school, they got jobs, they have friends, they have life. Me... Well, I'm stuck in my room thinking it would be so nice if I could call someone and ask that person to go out with me to maybe some bar or something. But I just can't do that, I'm stuck. I'm too tired to even try to change the situation.

    I've noticed I get angry from really small things. I just sometimes feel like I can't control my feelings. and that I have wrong reactions to what happens. When others cry, I laugh in my mind. When others all laughing, I feel like I wanna just nuke the whole world. And then all of a sudden I just wanna cry for no obvious reasons. Like this one time last summer after I had gotten my driver's license I was asked to drive my parents to a party. And I just wanted to cry. I somehow managed to control that feeling. And seriously, I saw a dead guy last July or something. Others were whispering how sad the sight was and so on. And I was thinking it was cool in some sick way to see a dead body. I can't help these feelings, I just get them. And I can't interpret other people's feelings or show my own feelings. That always creates misunderstandings. I wasn't smiling when you told me some old granny died on your sisters arms, dammit!

    I dream of killing myself really often. Thinking about fast ways to die and so on. I even fully imagine the situation, how I climb to some rooftop and look down and then jump. I've wanted to go get some help but I just can't do it for one reason or another. When I'm finally walking towards a health center, I'll turn back at the front door. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel like and besides, I'm not good at expressing this stuff IRL. It would be so much easier to just let go of it all.

    Really, I think I SHOULD die. I'm scared that some day I do something to someone. that it'll be like my mom says, I can't control my feelings and will kill someone.

    Sorry for this long message. I just felt like letting it all out and this is the only way I can do that. Sad but true.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am glad you let it all out here IT will help you not keeping all these thoughts inside. I hope you consider seeing a therapist as well to help with regulation of your moods. Talk with the doctor okay get on some meds for depression as well it will give you more energy to survive Definetly keep letting it all out here too okay I know it helps being heard you are heard here you are someone here okay so keep talking so others can help
  3. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Give or take a few details your just going through what I went through when I was your age. It's called maturing and I can vouch it's not fun, but it is for some reason necessary.

    Go for a hike in the mountains and count snow flakes.
  4. No1_knows_me

    No1_knows_me Active Member

    Well if this really is just maturing then I'm pretty damn weird don't you think?
  5. No1_knows_me

    No1_knows_me Active Member

    Finally I'm back home. This is what happened.

    I stayed up the night between friday and saturday. Then I went for a walk. I wasn't gonna do anything else. I just wanted to go for a walk. Anyways, I walk and reach this one bridge. Then I climb on the fence and am "half-sitting" on it with my legs on either sides of that fencne. I just wanted to see how high it was and how fast the cars went under that bridge and was just thinking if that's the place where I'll do myself in when the day comes.

    So, it started to get cold and I was already thinking of leaving and going back home. I turn around and guess what I saw? Yes, a police car with flashing lights. Someone had called the cops. So, this one cop then is under the bridge and looks up and says "stay there, I'll come up so we can talk". I said it's not needed and climbed off the bridge and was trying to dodge that cop. OFC it didn't work out that well and the cop grabbed my arm. Then those 2 cops took me to their car.

    We waited for an ambulance. I told them it's not needed and that I'm not gonna jump as it really wasn't my plan. Nope... The ambulance came and they took me to ER. I talked to a doc there and then he dared to write an "M1". I was sent to a fucking psychiatric ward. M1 means the patient doesn't go there on his/her own free will.

    Anyways, I was taken there and then I talked to another doc and some nurse. I told them I'm not gonna kill myself, that I have a date set in my mind and that staying there isn't gonna help me at all. Nope... A 4-day-observation. I was locked there on that stupid ward and I couldn't do anything. I just was there and got bored.

    Today I talked to another doc and a pdoc and that nurse and told them I'm not gonna kill myself if they send me home and that I'm willing to continue the treatment outside that fucking ward and that I thought no ward is good for me. So, instead of keeping me there the whole 4 days, I was there just for about 52 hours and got out. I have an appointment on wednesday and blahblah. They thought there's no reason for them keeping me in a ward against my own will as I said I wasn't gonna hurt myself, I behaved well there and I wasn't psychotic or anything plus I'm willing to go to that appointment and I have some plans for my future so it's not all "I'll kill myself, I'll kill myself, I'll kill myself".

    The bad thing is that now my parents know my situation. They only know I was sent there because of a severe depression. I'm not gonna tell what exactly happened on that saturday morning. I just told them I didn't hurt myself nor was I planning on doing that. The good thing is that now I'm getting help for my depression. And hopefully by next September I see some light at the end of the tunnel and have the will to keep on living.
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