Just want to sleep

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Roads, Apr 11, 2008.

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  1. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    I posted here a few months ago about my life. And, of course, its gotten even worse since that post.

    The band I was in is breaking up, members are leaving, and I'm once again in square 0. Its extremely frustrating when my dreams and aspirations are held in the the unsteady hands of other people. We were so close to being able to play a show too. I wish that I had never picked up a guitar. I wish that I had never seen Metallica on MTV and been inspired to play. The 10 years I have been involved in music, it has lead me down the darkest, sickest, most twisted path imaginable.

    All of my working out, all of my outgoing behavior, all of it has done nothing for my life. I don't have any friends. All my efforts to make friends have failed.

    I can't get a date. I've asked a few girls out since I last posted and have been rejected each time. This puts the total number of rejections in college at around a dozen, total number of dates: 0. Its gotten to the point where i've just given up altogether. It really hurts inside, and I don't really see the point.

    My family hates me. And I hate them. Today I had the biggest fight ever with my parents, and it actually ended with my mom pulling me and my dad off of each other(I was winning). I was trying to talk to them about how I'd been feeling recently and my dad said something like "You know you just have a whole long list of problems don't you. I'm tired of you bringing all your problems over here and worrying your mom and I with them"
    -something inside of me snapped. We were in the garage during this conversation, and I picked up his tool box and hurled it through the front of his jaguar. He hit me, I hit him, back and forth etc.

    I have insomnia. My doctor refuses to prescribe me sleeping pills because I have a long history of depression and she believes that I want to use them to end my life. If I'm lucky, I sleep 1 or 2 hours a night. Most of the time. 0 hours.

    I have a theory that some people just aren't meant to be a part of this world. I certainly don't feel like I belong at all. Both in the human race, and in this society, and in my community.

    What is the point of living if I cannot enjoy the simple things that others around me enjoy? A relationship with the opposite sex. Friendship. etc.

    Hell. Whats the point of living if I cant enjoy SLEEP!?

    The best means of suicide I have right now are a belt and the hanger pole in my closet. Or I could drive my car 120 miles an hour into a tree or a wall or something. Both not preferable.

    At this point you are probably thinking. "Roads, just wait man. Tomorrow you could meet the love of your life. Or, in a few years, you might not feel this way anymore."

    To that I don't really have a good answer. But I would ask this: What is societies obsession with keeping potential suicide victims alive? So that ONE day they MIGHT be somewhat happy? Lets face it, happyness has not found me in my 20 years on this earth, and it isnt going to. Even if an angel came down from heaven and told me that in 5 years I was going to be the happyest mother f****** on earth, but that I'd be sad and depressed and suicidal until then, I'd STILL kill myself.

    Its just not worth it anymore.

    If an animal was in this much pain they would put it down immediately. And if they didn't, they'd be sued for poor ethics.

    sorry this was so long, good bye.
  2. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    I'm 24 I want to say something reassuring and 'right' but for me everyday is a battle and it just gets worse. I get offers from women but I always blunder them....at least you can afford collage.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    When do you finish school? Could you move to a larger city then, somewhere where you'd find more musicians, and a better music scene? I lived in NYC for a long time, there were always many opportunities for musicians.

    Don't give up on your dreams.

    As for your Dad, what a cruel thing for him to say. Do you have any other supports, like a counsellor? Or someone who really understands what depression feels like? You say that you will feel suicidal for the next 5 years, but feeling suicidal is really just a symptom, either of depression or some other mental illness. Once you untangle the related issues suicide looks less and less tempting as an option.
  4. uglykidjoe

    uglykidjoe New Member

    Hi Roads,
    Got your point, yeah no kidding :mellow:
    I myself is on the brink of leaving too, im just gonna make sure/confirm that my very last hope is gone, cause at this stage damage is beyong repair and time itself cant do much :tongue: ! As for the means i'd prefer the one that does not make me suffer anymore as i've had it all i think, no big deal some might say comparing to violence and atrocity that is going on out there (Darfur/Iraq rape/killing, etc...)
    Its getting more n more precise now, everyday is killing me slowly...
    God bless You All whether you are all a believer or not! :biggrin:
  5. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    I feel for you roads i know what your going through, I don't know if it means much to you though.
  6. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    At the rate I'm going, I finish school in about 2 and a half years. So 2 and half years of utter torture.

    I used to go to a psychiatrist on campus, but it really didn't help. It just made me more angry because he'd only tell me to go do things that I have already tried to do and failed (try to make friends, get involved in school activities etc)

    I know that the root of the problem is loneliness. I can't make friends, I can't get a girlfriend no matter what I do. People simply do not want to be around me. I'm really not a bad looking guy in my eyes, I dress well, I'm in shape and work out a lot, but maybe other people see me differently. Even if I wasn't depressed and suicidal, would others outward opinion of me change? I don't see why it ever would; I'd just be going through life the same way I have been for all of my existence thus far.

    Is it so much to ask just to want to get laid? Jesus Christ.

    I live in Orlando, and the music scene is decent. There are a lot of musicians. But the problem isn't finding musicians, its finding good ones, who can mesh as a group and not have schedule conflicts.

    Why shouldn't I give up on my "dreams", they have caused me nothing but pain and anguish thus far.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    That psych sounds like a goofball. You deserve someone better, maybe a counsellor instead of traditional psychiatry or something? They make it sound so simple... go out and meet people... when you are just dying from loneliness!

    Your dreams are important because through them you are sharing your unique vision or point of view with the world. There is only one you. The music you make, the songs you write (or want to write) are so special for that very reason. My outlet is photography -- easier than being in a band in a way 'cos I have only myself to depend on -- but still scary because there is so much of the 'inner' me in my work.

    Don't give up. You will find new band mates and I have no doubt that somewhere out there is the perfect girl for you.
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