I posted here a few months ago about my life. And, of course, its gotten even worse since that post. The band I was in is breaking up, members are leaving, and I'm once again in square 0. Its extremely frustrating when my dreams and aspirations are held in the the unsteady hands of other people. We were so close to being able to play a show too. I wish that I had never picked up a guitar. I wish that I had never seen Metallica on MTV and been inspired to play. The 10 years I have been involved in music, it has lead me down the darkest, sickest, most twisted path imaginable. All of my working out, all of my outgoing behavior, all of it has done nothing for my life. I don't have any friends. All my efforts to make friends have failed. I can't get a date. I've asked a few girls out since I last posted and have been rejected each time. This puts the total number of rejections in college at around a dozen, total number of dates: 0. Its gotten to the point where i've just given up altogether. It really hurts inside, and I don't really see the point. My family hates me. And I hate them. Today I had the biggest fight ever with my parents, and it actually ended with my mom pulling me and my dad off of each other(I was winning). I was trying to talk to them about how I'd been feeling recently and my dad said something like "You know you just have a whole long list of problems don't you. I'm tired of you bringing all your problems over here and worrying your mom and I with them" -something inside of me snapped. We were in the garage during this conversation, and I picked up his tool box and hurled it through the front of his jaguar. He hit me, I hit him, back and forth etc. I have insomnia. My doctor refuses to prescribe me sleeping pills because I have a long history of depression and she believes that I want to use them to end my life. If I'm lucky, I sleep 1 or 2 hours a night. Most of the time. 0 hours. I have a theory that some people just aren't meant to be a part of this world. I certainly don't feel like I belong at all. Both in the human race, and in this society, and in my community. What is the point of living if I cannot enjoy the simple things that others around me enjoy? A relationship with the opposite sex. Friendship. etc. Hell. Whats the point of living if I cant enjoy SLEEP!? The best means of suicide I have right now are a belt and the hanger pole in my closet. Or I could drive my car 120 miles an hour into a tree or a wall or something. Both not preferable. At this point you are probably thinking. "Roads, just wait man. Tomorrow you could meet the love of your life. Or, in a few years, you might not feel this way anymore." To that I don't really have a good answer. But I would ask this: What is societies obsession with keeping potential suicide victims alive? So that ONE day they MIGHT be somewhat happy? Lets face it, happyness has not found me in my 20 years on this earth, and it isnt going to. Even if an angel came down from heaven and told me that in 5 years I was going to be the happyest mother f****** on earth, but that I'd be sad and depressed and suicidal until then, I'd STILL kill myself. Its just not worth it anymore. If an animal was in this much pain they would put it down immediately. And if they didn't, they'd be sued for poor ethics. sorry this was so long, good bye.