Just want to talk about it....(triggering)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JmpMster, Oct 10, 2013.

  1. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I have had far too much time on my hands the last day or two as I have been quite sick. This is not new to me at all anymore. 5 years ago I got sick, had to stop working from a very successful career. Lost 70% of our income for 2 years (wife still worked as a school teacher, but I made far more than her and the mortgage and car payments, and all the bills were set at that income level. Realistically, I was very fortunate. It only took me 10 months to get permanent disability approved after spending a year pretending I would get better. That is incredibly fast for New York State, and even though it went to the hearing stage the hearing was 3 minutes and the judge told me I was approved on the spot- far easier than many face in similar situation. It was still a huge cut in income but it is doable and I cannot complain. I am in physical pain , all the time really. Ranges from tolerable to not. My Dr is decent enough about pain meds though so it stays tolerable in one way or another. I did not think it was for the first couple years but still being here now despite different intent 3 years ago tells me it is in fact tolerable. Tiring some days and weeks.

    I ask myself why a lot still. I had some answers. I do not believe in fate or destiny but things have a way of happening sometimes. I end up here for a couple years and get myself in a reasonably good state of mind the majority of the time. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was more burden to my wife and children than help. I did not work, I do not go out often and never for more than a couple hours really. I do not go on vacations anymore. I have stints where I need a home visiting nurse. I cannot drive anymore, and living a good way out in the country that is problematic.

    Then a situation occurred that made all of that into nothing. In June, 2012 my 13 year old daughter was forcibly raped by a 45 year old man while spending the night at a friends house. Her screaming woke people up, there were witnesses, the rapist's own wife and children made police statements and she went directly to the hospital - had the full forensic exam and statements done. Evidence was collected, DNA, it was an absolute open shut case we were told.

    We are fortunate, we have decent resources and we immediately had her in counseling and everything. Except for being a little quiet for a week she seemed fine. We asked her and she said was fine. She was not. She went on a downward spiral that got worse and worse despite the best counseling, fully supportive family, everything that could be done was. She started extreme risk taking behavior, quit all activities, by the December she was able to stay at school maybe 2 days a week. We didn't know it but she had begun cutting in September. Every court appearance resulted in another delay.

    The trial was set for 3 times. It was adjourned 3 times within a day or two of the trial. She attempted suicide 2x, each within the week the trial was supposed to start. Then I truly understood the meaning of pain and helpless. She was inpatient at the psyche hospital for a week in February and then again in May, and in July/August for 40 days.

    She sees more counselors now and is on meds. The DBT therapy for the PTSD has helped a lot. She has only missed one day of school this year. The last time she cut was early September - though it was 56 stitches. That was when the court case finally ended - an open shut case of 15 months. They did a plea deal while she was in the mental hospital for 3 1/2 years in prison. Down from the 7 years they had been offering because she was not available to testify and "might not be as credible because of the extended times in the mental hospital". She has learned to talk to us now. And we have learned to listen when she is not talking as well.

    I am not sure why I did not kill myself a few years ago when I got sick and decided I was a burden. I am glad I did not, neither my wife nor my daughter could have made it through it even as they have managed if I had. She writes a lot of poetry. That is how she talks to us when she doesn't want to talk. She has her own website of poems and thoughts now that have given her a voice , along with the counseling and meds to take the edge off. Sitting here very sick, I was reading her poems today. That made me glad I was alive to talk to her and read them. It made me thankful once again she was still alive. They give me hope that there is a light at the end of her tunnel as well. I wanted to share a couple of them -

    This was in the first week of her extended stay inpatient - titled "Inpatient"

    I'm sick of
    Being told that
    I need help in recovery.

    The only one who
    Can change me is me.

    I don't need the assistance
    Of half ass-ed nurses
    Pushing pills down my esophagus
    Or psychiatrists slamming
    Diagnoses into my brain.

    I am not interested in your life boat.

    I'm the hero of this story,
    I don't need to be saved.

    This is one of the exercises she did at her counselors a week or so ago when discussing SH and he urges - when asked to put herself in the position of seeing somebody she loves cutting. It came about from multiple explanations of how people do not understand how it feels and was pointed out that she may not understand how they feel either.

    If you want to cut yourself,
    Take my arm and cut
    As many times as
    You would yourself.

    Don't dare tell me
    'I couldn't bear to hurt you
    Like that.'

    Because by cutting yourself
    You'd be doing just the same.

    And this is reference to a boyfriend that she broke up with late last spring - and had been a trigger for her to SH since .....

    You know, when I met him I thought, "Man, I hope I don't mess this up."

    I'm just now realizing that I should've been thinking, "I hope this doesn't mess me up."

    I am proud of my daughter. I am glad I am still here to learn something from her. When I am sick , I remember the strange twists that have happened and why I am glad I am still here. Doesn't stop the thinking about it on occasion when sick and depressed. Certainly has been a lot of downs with not a lot of ups in the last 5 years. But if she can pull herself out of what she went through as a 13 year old, and start to see some small positives, the least I can do is stick around for her.....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and her words hun wow she is so intelligent so in tuned to what it is she is feeling
    She will heal hun she will get strong again with your guidance and understanding and her moms she is a fighter like you are hugs
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    With that much insight she will heal.
    She won't be who she was, a trauma like that changes a person, but she will be strong and good parents helps no end.
    I just wish the bastard got life :rant:
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    She is so strong, and so lucky to have a caring and supportive family, willing to help her at every stage of recovery.
  5. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Something I have noticed, is that a lot of people end up feeling that they have to live for someone else, not for themself. If one can only live that way, then is it really living?
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I guess in the last few years I have learned to be pleased when I do not have to try to think of reasons and they are just there. Accepting things are not how they were for me, but that I am still the thing that is most important to me is enough. My children mean far more to me then anything else I have ever done in my life. If being the thing that is most important to me is living for somebody else - I will take that.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    NYJmp, thank you for sharing your story, your daughter's words. You are both brave and strong. :arms: Terry is right - your daughter is insightful and that is good for healing. You are also insightful. Life always seems to be a mix of being there in our own life, but also being there in significant ways for others. Life is richer when we do things that have meaning for us and for others. And family, one's child - what could possibly be more important? :arms:
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Very powerful, thank you for sharing.