Just want to yell..

[Axiom]

I had problems before I came here, I came here,.. wrote them down.. and i've just been reading them and they are the exact same problems except worse now.

Um.. Im really just lying to myself to be honest. I dont particularly think i really want to get better. I don't really see a point. Everything just.. god it's like someone says something and Ill cling to it,.. but give it sometime and it just.. wavers. I try for it, but I waver. Everything wavers, again and again.. and how I feel never changes. And im getting really good now at writting and saying what im writting at the sametime. I think i get a kick out of this fucking place. OR maybe it's a kick out of feeling like shit. Or maybe i's just the only way I can feel alive and me. So sue me whatever. Just stay away from me, and that is why, no one understands pfft i dont even. Old problems driving me insane. I've never been good at just accepting things. Infact I dont think I accept much. If anything..
I rarely get time to myself.. and it's like, two directions all the time infront of me. And both I just dont feel the point of it.
You know it would be fucking nice to be able to talk to someone who on some fucking level got me for more than a fucking week, and I got them. But that never happens. Its always god damn me. What fucking of a life is this to be honest? Greaat. I can have meaningless friendships. Force the topics and make thigns appear. Im sick of it, im sick of having to explain myself, as im sure other people are. What is the real point of this

~Obviously to post fucking threads about how I feel and humiliate myself by publically opening up. Whatever Im just going to use the excuse that I do it so fuckers who wonder will have something to read later on as a way of understanding. Sometimes I hope im a bloody mental condition, itd make things so much easier for others to just deal with. Just another waste of space. .. love to smash their heads in though. Everyones tbh. Just fuck off, what fucking good are u to me, and me to u. .. ug im on my final steps to fucking people off for good. I cant take this never ending chase for something. And Im not finding any answers inside my own self. Im just finding more questions and no way to feel or express them. I feel like shit today, like every other day. Except today, i just feel just that much more like shit and alone. But fuck it, one day Ill stop trying and just give up on some thigns to let other things have their moment to fail. er "try". Oh i cant wait for later today and tomorrow and even now! .. whole load of .. me being zombified and bored and numb and just angry and fucking confused and like what the fuck is the point of all of this stupid annoying continuous monotonous shit. Do it for the moment to get what u want! .. wtf do I want? What the hell is there to want... And if there is something, how the fuck is someone like me going to get it, and be able to be stable enough to keep it without destroying it or myself in the process.

Not going to fucking happen. Im sick of making lies up. Im sick of pretending and going with the flow of others on the precursor that there is something worth while in it. Im sick of trying on my own only to fail at everything i try. Now it's just.. ug.. yeah i acn't see the fucking good parts of the day when I keep getting shit, and then that shit getting leveled with the most BIZARRE emotionally shit, and then expected to find the good parts of life? How the fuck does that work.

Just yelling shit makes me feel better. I dont give a shit what u think anymore to be honest. .. That's a big problem, that I can see, I can see alot of problems. But to be honest, i don't give a shit. Why should i

 

[WildCherry]

Just replying so you know I'm listening.

 

[tweetypie]

Hey xx I dont know what you are talking about hun i wish i did im not going to belittle your feelings by pretending i do but i will say that if you need someone to just sit with or rant at you can message me anytime and im sorry that your having such a rough time xxx

 

[TooShyToScream]

Maybe you've improved in little ways that you don't recognize. Sit down and really think about what you may have done before that you don't do (or do differently) now. Even though in general, I'm still at square one myself, except now with drug problems to boot, there are some things about my BPD that have gotten better. Like I know that when I feel really emotional, I have to ask myself if those feelings will last through the day or through the week before I follow through with acting on them. I've stopped cutting. I don't make people chase me and probe me for answers anymore. I don't run from conflict anymore like I used to, I try to compromise more and tell people what's bothering me instead of making them figure it out. Just little things like that, you know? You might be able to find some about yourself too if you try...even if in general you've gotten worse, that doesn't mean there weren't any improvements at all.

So yeah. I don't know...this might not work for you and I'm sorry if it doesn't. Also, I have a lot of trouble letting go of the past as well. It's not just you. And if you want to talk or whatever, you can message me and I'll always respond, ok?

 

[Axiom]

Thanks for the replies.
Im not sure.. some people have been saying im looking for understanding or friendship, but tbh it's not really the case. I'd love to make sense to people, but the issue for me is I don't understand myself or what I want. Everything that I have to do, sure it feels ok, and creates a sustainable line that lets me go from day to day. But the more I do it, the more i lose touch with who I am. I get numb and then I just kinda go with the flow and lose myself in everyone else and everything else.
It's the difference between being there, and making who you are matter and mean something in the things that you do. Instead of just doing it to someone elses standards, doing it to my own standards. But why do I have standards, or more so, where is this desire to have standards to make who I am matter and mean something. What is the point in who I am, and what possible good is there in who I am to bring to the surface and put infront of me so I can let it breathe and grow no matter what is going on around me.
Sure I can make an imposed perception of what im "entitled" to as a human being and an individual, but it's not the same as feeling who I am, and who I am making sense, and wanting to interact and touch with things in the world properly.
More or less the same problems everyone else goes through I guess, atleast that's what people keep telling me. Kinda annoys me when they say that, cause it defeats the point of finding myself if you apply it to everyone else, but I suppose you have to apply who you are to everyone else as to not forget that everyone else matters too..? To a degree.. blah.
I used to care that people cared, but it seemed no one could or can care to how I feel. It's like I feel really shit inside, and yes I can kind of explain it to people and get them to understand, but their approach is very direct and blunt, which automatically makes me numb off and lose a sense of those feelings, probably because at that point I can't maintain how I feel and who I am, and take into account the perception and feelings of the person offering the advice or comfort/care. Something like that. Donno, it's not really a big deal at the moment to be honest.
Feeling like how I've been feeling over the past, idk 6 months, has been very.. damaging to the people around me. And sure I can more easily talk and be myself but it's not helping my life really. Nothing seems to really be helping, it's like i opened a flood gate and then had no means of using what was pouring out or was getting nothing in return or responce. I suppose responce would suggest I wanted some form of ... something from people, but I think I more needed it because I couldnt find it in myself to care enough about who I am. Probably because I really don't like anything about who I am, and the more I look at me, the more I realistically see .. that train wreck of a life.
So I donno. Now Im kinda, just doing what I have to do. Not really thinking about me all too much. Yeah I'll turn on a tune like right now and let a little bit out, but as far as I feel and where I feel I am? Well, if im as crazy as I am in what i write and that self centered.. Idk. Id rather not do damage to people. Kinda feels limiting limiting who I am. But I suppose on another hand, it's a matter of sustaining myself? Closing a valve to numb myself to certain feelings and thoughts so I dont think and feel them when im doing "normal" things, so I can simply just do them.
I've done this before I suppose, the problem was, I forgot I felt certain things and accepted the "numb normality" as my furthest feelings. Then .. blah. What can you do It's just one of thsoe things.

Oh well Alot of it all feels very silly, probably because im convincing myself that what I feel and think is dissociation and a dillusional reality with infinite scope but set in a specifc spot where I "feel safe to feel" and then start melding with what's around me. Idk. It's the shit im trying to spin to myself to stop feeling so much.

Thanks for the replies, they let me think alot. Especially about how difficult it is for people to understand what im on about, or if im on about anything at all and just "attention seeking" or what have you. Made me have to defend how I feel inside against my "assumptions", which lets me start to see them a bit easier I guess. Donno. Thanks for the replies I appricate the offers and thoughts. I defiantly don't do one on one talking. It never goes well tbh. But thankyou anyhow.