I've felt suicidal all day again today. I can't / won't do it, because I have a child who really needs me, but I lay there fantasising or wondering about it a lot. I feel like life is enduring it day by day and sometimes I feel like it's just so tiring to be in so much pain day after day. I'm not depressed, but I have been through a really bad time the past year. I was living in a foreign country with my son and my fiance. I absolutely adored my fiance and we were really happy. Then one day he just left us. Completely abandoned me as if he had never even known me. I became homeless, I was far away from friends and family living in a foreign country with him, we had to move and he left me in a very bad financial state. My son has been devastated. It was humiliating, confusing, impossible to understand. I try really hard to live with it, but after a 15 months it's not much easier. I know worse things happen to people. I wish I could dust myself off and recover, but it feels beyond the scope of what i can do. In all my life, I have never loved or trusted another person more and I feel so shocked and frightened and confused. I have night terrors, and find sleep difficult. I carry out a normal life, I put on a smile for people, but I stare at traffic fantasising about jumping in front of a car and no one knows.