Just wanted to share with someone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sasmy, Dec 21, 2014.

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  1. sasmy

    sasmy Member

    I've felt suicidal all day again today. I can't / won't do it, because I have a child who really needs me, but I lay there fantasising or wondering about it a lot. I feel like life is enduring it day by day and sometimes I feel like it's just so tiring to be in so much pain day after day.

    I'm not depressed, but I have been through a really bad time the past year.

    I was living in a foreign country with my son and my fiance. I absolutely adored my fiance and we were really happy. Then one day he just left us. Completely abandoned me as if he had never even known me.

    I became homeless, I was far away from friends and family living in a foreign country with him, we had to move and he left me in a very bad financial state. My son has been devastated. It was humiliating, confusing, impossible to understand.

    I try really hard to live with it, but after a 15 months it's not much easier.

    I know worse things happen to people. I wish I could dust myself off and recover, but it feels beyond the scope of what i can do. In all my life, I have never loved or trusted another person more and I feel so shocked and frightened and confused. I have night terrors, and find sleep difficult.

    I carry out a normal life, I put on a smile for people, but I stare at traffic fantasising about jumping in front of a car and no one knows.
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Are you back in your home country closer to your family/friends that can give you the emotional support you need?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome,

    You did not mention if you are in your home country now? If not can you not go back? Where are you living now since being homeless.
    Try and forget the humiliation etc... nothing is more important than your son and your health. It happens to a lot of people and in time things can improve.

    About this
    You should never compare problems because everyone deals with things differently, so even if worse things have happened to others, you are just as much entitled to feel the way you do as anyone else is.

    I think you need to get help from professionals,can you tell us more about yourself so we can help?

    I hope things do improve, keep us updated please!
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are grieving a loss of a dream right now hun This person used you but do not let him destroy you and your child ok Show your child that you are what is important and you will fight back ok If you can get some profession therapy to help you deal with this betrayal to help you move forward for YOU and your son
    YOu are worth the fight hun
  5. sasmy

    sasmy Member

    Thanks all. I'll try and tell you a bit more.

    We lived with his son and my son, our kids really loved each other too and my ex raised my son (his own Dad disappeared long ago) so my son's pain was really difficult to cope with.

    When he first left, it was 4 days before my birthday and a few weeks before Christmas and we were in a hotel just about to move into our new home. He left me in the hotel room with my son. I didn't have a job or any money. Everything was fine and normal, he just sent me a text to say he was gone.

    I was in shock really and didn't know what to do so we spent around 4 months "homeless", staying with various friends and I had to pull my son out of his school.

    I moved to my home country after four months or so when I realised he was serious. I just thought it was a joke. He'd seemed really happy with me and he'd never said anything to hint this was coming. He was also a really good guy, he had no history of treating people badly and my friends and family saw him as a pillar of the community. No one understood.

    After I moved to my home country, I had been there a month and he finally contacted me. He told me he thought there was something wrong with him and he asked if he could talk to me. He got a flight over to me, and when he arrived he was crying and saying he was sorry. He said he had been feeling suicidal for a while and had been hiding it from me. He had financial pressures, job problems and a recent bereavement and he said he had just "collapsed" mentally.

    He had to go home after a few days, but I encouraged him to go and see the doctor. He was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, or some sort of breakdown, and so I helped him by talking to him on the phone every night because he was scared. He asked me to find a place to live nearby him, so he could get treatment and we would put our family back together.

    I finally saved the money to move back to be near him and brought my son, and he said he was excited and relieved and was really grateful to me for standing by him through his illness, but the moment we arrived he very coldly told me he never wnated to see me again. Again this time, no explanation and he was really cold and almost cruel.

    I'd already paid the deposit and my son was back in school so we ended up staying there for six months to ride out the lease.

    I just finally moved back home permanently a few days ago.

    My ex is still very ill. Since he left he's had extremely severe depression, that is resistant to treatment and he isn't getting better. I tried to help him but he acts like he hates me and wants me to go away. He's shunned all his friends really. He's lost a lot of weight, he doesn't eat, he doesn't go anywhere and at times he can't even work.

    It's hard to stay angry at him, because I feel sorry for him and worried about him - but he acts like he never even knew me.

    My son is okay now. He cries sometimes. We both miss my stepson. Life feels very weird but we are adjusting.

    Just deep down I feel all this pain and just don't understand how to get it to go away. It's hard to explain but he went from being the most loving, caring person in the world to being almost evil. The things he says to me are absolutely horrible sometimes and then he says he does't even remember saying them.

    I feel like my life just disappeared, and I miss him all the time.
  6. Standpoints

    Standpoints Member

    Dear sasmy,

    I am sorry for the difficult time you are having. We depend a great deal on those we love and when they "break" as it sounds like your fiance did it can hurt us a great deal. I am sorry for the pain of what happened to you. Know that you are not the only one mourning this hurt.

    We are all sad at things, we all go through difficult times. But these pass. They fall away in time and we can start again, and perhaps have a better start because now we have the benefit of the experience. We can say afterward, "I went through that and came out the other side. How remarkable and resilient am I for having done so." How remarkable and resilient YOU are, have already been, for overcoming each negative thought you've had.

    I would not try to read too much into your fiance's state of mind. We all often make assumptions about peoples intent which is unwarranted and does absolutely no good. It sounds as though his mind is broken and broken minds can't really be read or understood...at all. So, if I were you, I wouldn't try to do so.

    Finally, your life has not "disappeared" as you said. You are still heard on this board and by your son.

    P.S.--Please talk with someone in real life if you can (that has a good heart) about your problems.

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